WendyLJ's profile

WendyLJ
	Age: 32 Country: Province/region: City: Partner: Akili - Not Involved Children: Yes, 1 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: Pre-Paid Legal Associate
	Online: More than 3 months ago Last updated: 404 days ago. Member since: 565 days
\| Profile \| Photos (28) \| Children (1) \| Blog (0) \| Polls (0) \| Agenda (0) \| Comments added (141) \| Notepad

Members

My name is Wendy and I'm 32 years old with my first pregnancy lasting this long. 10 years ago I had a misscarriage at 9.5 weeks.

Jan. 30, 2006 I had gastric bypass surgery for weight loss and lost over 160 lbs. Come to find out less than a year after my surgery I found out I was pregnant.

This pregnancy was NOT planned as I was told by 2 doctors that I would never be a mother/conceive. Dad is upset as we were NOT a "couple" but good "friends". He didnt want anymore children as he already has 3 by different mothers.

Even though this was not planned to me its a miracle and I want this baby more than life itself. Since the day I heard my little Peanut's heartbeat I fell in love with this baby and the choice to keep the baby was made for me.

This hasnt been a smooth pregnancy for me, as I have had complications. At 13 weeks I was rushed to the Hospital by ambulance with heavy bleeding. The baby was fine on u/s and hb was strong, my cervix was also closed but the drs have no clue what made me bleed so I was put on bedrest for a week.

Once again at 15.4 weeks I was sent to the hospital again with spotting/bleeding. Baby again is fine and looks good, cervix still closed, unknown why the bleeding is occuring but back on bedrest I go. No lifting, bending, stretching, squatting, sex, etc...

If that wasnt bad enough I was just notified that my state employement was giving me 2 options, resign or termination, due to my absense for pregnancy complications. I chose termination so that I may HOPE to still be able to receive some type of aid and/or unemployment.

Trying to think of names is harder than I thought, one minute I adore a name and the next I cant stand it. I do want a strong name for the baby because this little one has been putting up such a fight already. Plus even though daddy doesnt want to be involved at this point, all of his other kids first names have names beginning with his intial, A.

I myself was named using my fathers full intials (WLJ) so I want to keep my family tradition going and think I want to do the same for my little one using his/her daddy's full intials (A-AHD) which is Hard because he has a hyphened first name. Plus, its still unclear as to whether daddy is going to allow me to use HIS last name for the baby, one of only 2 things I asked of him regarding this baby for, 1). Allow me to use HIS last name for the baby because I dont want mine used for personal family issues and 2). Be there with me when the baby is born in the delivery room.

Airik Clayton Elijah Duncan

8-28-07

7lbs 8oz. / 20.5 inches

Time: 10:42 am

I Promise You

My Promise to my precious baby boy:

I promise to be here for you until the day I die.
I promise to love you unconditionally, and then some.
I promise that you will never be lonely, unless you request to be alone.
I promise to play Mommy and Daddy, since your Father will not be around.
I promise to give you everything you will ever need, and spoil you a little.
I promise to give you my full attention no matter what it is you want, or what I am doing.
I promise to never let you suffer, for I will suffer for you.
I promise to never let you go hungry, for you will eat before me.
I promise to always keep you warm and safe, even if I am cold and dangered.
I promise you that NO ONE will ever come between us, for you are the only man in my life.

For you are my special little boy and I will always love you.

pregnancy

3/26/07: Today was my last day of work, I went in and they again dragged me into a closed door meeting to tell me again I was being terminated and to sign papers. I felt so uncomforatble being there that I told them I wouldnt be staying the whole day to which they had attitude about. Sorry but at that point it wasnt about them anymore and I refused to stay. I cleaned out my desk and co-workers helped carry my stuff to my truck and wished me good luck. I went home and immediately applied for unemployment. Keeping my fingers crossed that I get approved as I will need some form of income to live on.

___________________________________

3/27/07: I thought Tuesday would be better, a day off work for me to rest in and pamper myself. Planned on having lunch with my mom and going to get my nails done. Well, Peanut's daddy called and asked me to do him a favor and get some things he needed for school for his classroom, he's a teacher. I agreed cus we had been getting along the past 2 weeks and he'd been coming over but still doesnt want the baby. So as a FRIEND, I helped him out. BIG MISTAKE !! After leaving his work dropping off what he needed and heading to meet mom for lunch I got a call with him beraiding me for getting out of my truck and making HIS business known as to why I was there at his job when "there is NOTHING between us" and that he felt I did that on purpose to show I was pregnant. First off I would NEVER do that intentionally, and Im not even showing much. I wore farmer jeans with the bib folded over covering my stomach so you couldnt tell I was pregnant. Of course this upset me and I been crying off and on since.

I just cant seem to do anything right. If its not one thing its another.

___________________________________

3/28/07: Well today was very eventful, started off with my appointment at Medicaid to get emergency health insurance for me and my little one, as my insurance only lasts 28 days from my date of termination. While there I decided to see what other assistance I was eligible for, which kept me there all morning. I was approved for the health insurance which was the most important and will be notified as to any other aid I may be eligible for. I felt like a fool for crying in the office the entire morning. On my way to the appointment I received a letter from unemployment telling me what my possible benefit would be but that due to my termination being for reasons other than lack of work they need to do further investigating which will hold up the process a little, UGH !! Today I'm just so emotional, I'm tired, lonely, and all I do is CRY. I can't wait for September to GET HERE !!

___________________________________

3/29/07: WOW I am so not used to working it's only been 3 days and I'm already BORED !! Since I am still on restrictions from my dr I am limited as to housework and things I can do. Today I went to the local library to return a few baby books, thanks to my great friend in TN who sent me some in the mail to read throughout my pregnancy. I read that by now the baby's inner ear has fully developed and can hear everything inside me and that by 17 weeks the baby's outter ear with be fully developed and able to hear things on the outside but muffled. So today while bored I went shopping and bought Peanut a children's ABC song cd to listen to. I am a firm believer that babies in the womb can learn and music is not only a learning device but a soothing one as well b4 and after birth. I had the baby listening to the BeeGees the other night, hoping to feel Peanut move but nope, lol. Being a first time mommy AND having experience in early childhood development I want to give Peanut every learning opportunity I can, and its never too early to start as far as Im concerned. Now if I can just find out what to do with all this free time I'd be set as I am already going stir crazy.. lol

___________________________________

3/31/07: Well today was a busy one for me and I am exhausted. After the baby's father left this morning (yup he showed up @ 3:30am n stayed the night, but I was too tired to talk) Most of the morning I cleaned my house, I swear you'd think I was already nesting right before delivery. I started with just cleaning out the fridge and ended up doing the entire kitchen, living room, dining room, bedroom, and most of the bathroom (except for the tub). I didnt over do it though once I was tired and slowed down I stopped. Then it was off to go shopping with mom. We were so busy I didnt get to eat til late afternoon so I had a killer headache. So far it seems to have gone away now though. I was thinking about the name selections for Peanut and I THINK I have decided to go with the two posted at the top. I really like the meaning and how they seem to not only sound alright together but also go with me wanting to use those certain initials. LOL, Who knows I may get to the delivery room and come out with naming the baby something totally different. 2 more weeks til I find out if lil Peanut is a little boy or girl. I so cant wait !!

4/3/07: The name search is back on for a boy name. I realized that the boy name Airik-Anthony Howard I previously chose might cause some drama due to the fact that Anthony is also my ex's name who I was dating prior. Something I hadnt even thought about. SIGH! Back to the drawing board. Now im thinking possibly Airik-Akili (the daddy's name) Hakeem, but I just dont know for sure. Oh well. The baby's father hasnt been over here since Sunday night, b4 that was Friday night. As usual when he leaves he tells me he will see me the next day or call and doesnt. I text messaged him late last night in need of some friendly advice and I STILL havent heard from him. He jsut makes things so much harder for me, whenever I need him he isnt here but when he needs something Im still the fool to help him, why cant I be stronger and tell him to stay away and mean it?? I partly wish he'd go away and never come back but then I miss him. The past 2 days have been shopping hell, I have been looking to buy a nice dress to wear to the baby's godfather's wedding next month. Everything looks like a tent on me. Im starting to show but I dont have that round basketball belly like many pregnant women get yet. Due to my gastric bypass surgery I had a little bit of lose skin on my lower tummy and seems my lil Peanut hasnt grown into it yet,, lol So hence I just look FAT. If that isnt bad enough due to the rapid weight loss I also have the jelly arms that I am extremely self concious about. I always cover them and most of the dresses I have found that look sexy and flattering are strapless, halter, of sleeveless.. UGHHHH !!!! I checked Ebay and a few online maternity stores and found 2 possibles but I just dont know. I cant afford to go to a bridal shop and purchase a maternity dress there to be fitted how I want with me not working. Thankfully I wont be the only pregnant woman at the wedding but I dont want to look hideous. I think today is my complaining day.

___________________________________

4/4/07: I ended up having a crying fit last night cus of the daddy, yet again. I left a letter at his house of how I feel and that I couldnt deal with the ups n downs n e more, then I texted him and told him to stay away from me, within 20 mins at the most he was at my house like nothing happened. I knew he was there to argue with me but he couldnt cus I had my friend Cathy here with me to keep me company. So he asked to use my phone to check his voicemails, cus his mom turned thier house phone off, i guess, and then watched tv sitting across the room from me, then he left, total time was 20 mins when usually its a few hours he is there. Needless to say, I cried for an hour after he left and then cried myself to sleep. He only said goodnight to me that was it, not even asked to go in the other room to talk or anything. UGH!! I just dont get it, he doesnt want me or the baby so why keep coming around making it harder for me? Then others say "dont let him come around" but do they know what its like to be pregnant, scared, and lonely?? I cant help it but I wish I was stronger to be able to fight with him but for what? so I can be stressed and put the baby in danger? Thats not fair to the baby.

Atleast today I was able to go to the bank and get some errands done, then I came home and found a maternity dress that is what I was looking for style wise on EBAY. I have my bid in now for it so I am hoping I get it, maybe that will brighten up this rainy day Im having, where I just want to sit and cry, n havent been able to keep a meal down all day. Guess I will try the fallback food for me, SOUP!

___________________________________

4/5/07: Thankfully I was able to win the dress on Ebay yesterday so now I just hope it fits once it gets here. Im still crying constantly and last night I was overcome with this feeling of fear, I was scared of everything. Being a bad mom, not being able to raise my lil Peanut alone properly, if I could do it alone, being alone, and on and on... I literally cried most of the night. I tried to reach out to Akili but again was ignored which hurts even more making the tears flow even harder. If that isnt bad enough I still cant seem to keep my lunches down. I was able to eat a bowl of cereal around 6am and kept dinner last night down but today my lunch came right back up making it two days in a row that happened. Im not eating anything different because its just dinner leftovers, so why is it staying down for dinner but not lunch? Sigh! Its been so gloomy here and all the stress doesnt help, I feel like getting in bed and staying there but I'm afraid to cus last time I felt like that and did I was rushed to the hospital with heavy bleeding. Not that it will definately happen again but it scares me. Still counting down 2 weeks til my next dr. appt. I so dont want to go alone and wanted Akili to go with me but I know he wont. I know as soon as they tell me It's a BOY/GIRL I'm going to lose it and cry, then feel like an idiot for doing so. I thought I could do this alone but lately I just dont feel as though I can with all these emotions and feeling low for being alone. I hope this is a phase that will pass cus I dont want to be a wreck for my child, Peanut needs a strong mommy to be there for him/her. I want to be that mommy too but it seems so hard right now.

___________________________________

4/12/07: After a simply awful night today was a little smoother. Yesterday was going pretty well, I went to traffic court and had my speeding ticket (that I got that day I found out I was pregnant officially) dismissed, Thank Goodness !! Although the dress I bought on Ebay for my friends wedding next month arrived and even though its a large it looks like a tent on me, I HATE IT!! I spoke to the paternal grandmother who had NO CLUE I was expecting and she was very supportive and wants to be involved in the baby's life. Then, last night I received a call from the baby's father screaming at me telling me that if I call, text, or go near his house again he will put a restraining order against me, that I wanted this baby and lied about dr.'s telling me I couldnt have kids and that he doesnt want the baby or me and doesnt want to speak to me since he is too busy with HIS kids, which I am to also stay away from his kids, that put me into a hysterical crying fit. My friend Cathy came over so I wasnt alone and to try and calm me down. I also reached out to another male friend but he was pointing the blame on me for keeping the baby knowing the father didnt want it. I didnt manage to calm down until I heard from one of my BEST friends, Greg, soon to be the baby's godfather, who called me and talked me through everything until 3:30am. Needless to say I have hardly slept in the past 2 weeks, getting rest only when my body finally gives in from being worn out and then its just for about 2-3 hours. I cry constantly, and feel so alone. Most nights I just want to be held so I can feel safe. Then today around noon, while out running a few errands with Cathy & her friend Tiffany, Akili (baby's father) called and I didnt answer, he left a calm message telling me he'd call later so we could talk b4 he has to go out of town for the weekend. I have yet to hear again from him and doubt I will at all. I am trying to be strong and have broke down almost all day in tears from the hurt. Im scared to death that my mistakes are going to effect my child and I fear I will not be a good mother for my baby. To try and feel a little better I went to yet another store in search of a dress for the wedding and found 2 more 1 of which I adore but since its spaghetti straps I need a cover for my flabby arms which shouldnt be too hard to find. Now I just need to find yet another escort to the wedding as I think the one I had isnt going to do it anymore. So now Im not sure if I will even be going to the wedding anymore. SIGH! I just want April 17th to get here so I can find out if my Peanut is a boy or girl and can focus on the baby even though my heart is shattered into a million pieces.

___________________________________

4/17/07: Well today is the BIG day I hopefully find out if my lil Peanut is a Boy or Girl !! I cant wait but my dr appt isnt until 3pm today. I've said from the start I think Im having a Girl but we will see. I want a boy so bad but so long as the baby is healthy thats all that matters right.. I just hope w/ my emotions I dont feel disappointed at all, and hope the baby is doing well and still on track with growing. I hardly slept last night. Wish me luck Girls,, WOW Im nervous yet So EXCITED !!

Part 2: Im back from my dr. appt and am HAPPY to announce ....

I asked the u/s tech if she was sure and she said that she never says 100% but doing this for 11 years she is 99% sure that I am having a BOY !! OMG I am SO Excited,, I wanted a little boy all my life and now I'm getting him !! Thankfully I have another 20 weeks to pick and decide on a name for my little man.

We did find out why I was bleeding in the first parts of my pregnancy. Turns out I have a low lying placenta but my OB thinks as my uterus/placenta continue to grow it will move up further from my cervix. He still wants me to be careful, no bending, squating, stooping, vaginal intercourse and will keep monitoring me every 4 weeks.

___________________________________

4/23/07: Hi Everyone, sorry I havent been on here too much lately. I dealt with a big fight with the baby's father and that messed me up for a bit. My friends have been keeping me busy and trying to stay with me for a while so that I am not as lonely. Of course its not the same but it works for the most part. Akili and I sat down last night and FINALLY had our "talk". It actually helped alot. It allowed him and myself to see each others side and I was relieved when he made the statement, "Im trying to come to the terms and reality of being a father and raising 4 kids now, thats taking me time to adjust to" He didnt say he'd be here but Im not pushing him, if he is he is, if not then I still have my little man that I adore more and more everyday. He's all that matters to me now. OUCH!! lol, He's kicking me right now..

Mostly though lately I been overwhelmed with doing baby registry stuff. Wow @ the prices of things and this being my first baby I need EVERYTHING !! I am the type though that never asks for anything so I sort of feel guilty about picking things cus of the cost. I did however pick out a crib on the Babies R Us website that is $299 I really like and want, it has the dresser with changing table on top and converts to a toddler bed and twin side bed w/ dresser-nightstand. I think Im just going to save and get that myself for my son. I went out today and checked a couple stores and OMG at how cute things are. Im leaning so much towards Sports and Puppies, I think. Im not into the Pooh or Mickey, never have been really. Only thing I disliked was I had $ today to buy a few things for Airik but my family and I are VERY superstitious about the mother buying or accepting anything for the baby before she is 6-7 months into pregnancy. To me its bad luck so I am looking but waiting. I just cant wait until the end of May, beginning of June and then its SHOPPING TIME, not to mention time to hit the Garage sales too !! lol

___________________________________

4/28/07: Well today I am 21 weeks exactly. Luckily I made it through another week, and hope to make it through the next 19. Yesterday was a VERY hard one for me as I got into a BIG fight with Akili, my baby's father. I caught him messing with not 1 but 2 other women not using protection and still coming to me as well. Well my emotions took over and I told the other girls about him and what he's doing and that I am pregnant with his son. He flipped out came to my house screaming and yelling at me, saying he hates me, wishes I die/was dead, will NEVER pick up the baby or having anything to do with him because of me. He threatened to punch me in my face, slammed things around in my house, including throwing the empty bassinet box across my living room. Called me dirty and got in my face screaming. This time he really scared me and I honestly thought he'd hit me. Then while on the phone with the police station after he left he calls me and threatened that he is gong to ruin my life and I am not to use HIS name for the baby, he wants nothing to do with the baby, that he was never attracted to me and only used me as a convenience. The officers came to my house and made a report and then went to his house (4 blocks away) and informed him to stay away from me. My heart is broken and destroyed now, I have done nothing but cry since yesterday. My friend Cathy tried to get me to go out last night and unwind and Akili ended up showing up at the local bar we were at. He didnt say anything to me but I couldnt stop shaking. I simply dont know what to do anymore. I was trying my best to keep the peace between him and I so that my son had a father in his life but I cant allow him to disrespect me and put MY life and my unborn child's life in danger just cus he cant use protection. Which kills me cus he made me feel so guilty about getting pregnant, yet he STILL is not using protection with these other women. I am so lost I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just dont know what to do, everyone says to move on and get over it for my son but its hard when you care for someone and they rip your heart in shreds and you have part of him growing inside of you. Yesterday was the first day I felt Airik kick me from the outside and I was so depressed I couldnt even enjoy it. Im so lost n lonely and have No One now !!

5/4/07: This week was slightly better for me. I havent heard or seen Akili since the big fight last Friday. I have been spending time with his mom (he doesnt know) as his grandmother is in the hospital and his mom asks me to come sit with her to keep her company. I dont mind cus I know it helps her and myself as he looks exactly like his mom. She's also been VERY supportive of me and the baby and really wants to be involved in Airik's life. It's only been a week and the hurt is still very present but I am trying my best to move on for my son. Speaking of, OMG is this lil guy active,, lol. He kicks and tumbles and moves all the time, I just adore it. The more he moves I know he is ok so it doesnt bother me at all. With every kick he takes yet another piece of my heart from me and I love him more and more. To me he already has his own lil personality forming. He loves music and kicks and moves all over when I have it on, esp driving. I am still putting my headphones on my stomach so he can listen to his ABC cd and the Bee Gees,, lol. When I sit up and lean forward he kicks me constantly, as to say, mommy lean back ur squishin me,, lol. We have our mommy & son time at night tho while I lay in bed and listen to him with the stethoscope. He kicks at it. lol It all jsut makes me want him here in my arms even more. 18 more weeks to go, i partly think gosh thats so far away, then again I think,, wow I cant beleive im already 22weeks and have just 4 months left to go. I do still worry though cus I know that until I am 24 weeks along, if anything, god forbid, would to happen the dr's and hospital wont do anything save Airik if I were to go into premature labor. I just have to be careful cus AIRIK deserves to be born and I so cant wait. I just want to sit on the floor with him on a pillow and kiss his hands and feet and blow rasberries on his belly making him laugh. LOL!

___________________________________

5/8/07: Today wasnt too bad of a day but with the temps reaching 80+ degrees here I got a taste of what being pregnant this summer is going to be like. Can anyone say AIR CONDITIONER? lol This afternoon Akili's mom called me to see how I was feeling on her lunch break. She shocked me by telling me that she told Akili's 10 yr old daughter, that I was pregnant with her daddy's baby boy. WOW! Akili still has NO clue that his mother knows about Airik, or that I talk to his mom on the regular, nor that I go to the hospital everyday to sit with his grandmother for company, now this! YIKES !! I had no part in it though but I know when he finds out I will be blamed for it all. I understand that his mom is VERY excited about Airik's arrival as she tells me everyday she cant wait for him to be born, afterall she is gonna be a grandma again. She said his daughter had a hard time understanding at first but that she is happy and excited to be a big sister again. I stopped by the hospital tonight to see Akili's grandma and to bring her 2 lil stuffed bears to keep her company and Akili's mom and his daughter were there. When I walked in his grandma gave me a big smile and recognized me from visting her earlier today, of course that made me feel so good. We all talked a lil b4 leaving for home. The hospital is trying to get grandma ready to be able to come home with a daily visiting nurse soon as right now she has been in Hospice for a week. Akili's daughter is trying to plan out a way for me to be able to come by the house during the day and sit with grandma while Akili and everyone is at work w/o her dad knowing. To be honest I hate all the secret stuff but Akili is leaving us with no choice. His family wants to be part of Airik's life and because of his stubborness its making things difficult. All I know is that I appreciate all the support his family is giving me now as it makes the days go by alot easier for me. I wish things were different but they are not so we all have to make due with the situation on hand. First and foremost is my son, then everything else can fall where they be. I know Akili's mom and daughter want Akili and I to be together, as they told me today but I told them honestly its just not possible for him and I to have a future. We will share a tie because of this lil boy but that will be it. His daughter promised me though that she will be good so that she doesnt get in any trouble, esp with her father being so stressed and angry. I know she will cus she is a great little girl. I still havent heard from Akili at all since he was here fighting with me almost 2 weeks ago. I doubt I will hear from him anytime soon and even though the nights are the hardest, I do admit I miss him so much the past few nights, I am going to get through this somehow. I have no choice, Airik needs his mommy.

BTW I decided to take a new pic of my ever growing belly today. I was going to wait til I was 24 weeks but I just couldnt resist any longer. Im afraid to hear how much more I have gained when I go to my dr on the 16th. So far its been 10 lbs but I know I gained more this past month. All I seem to do is EAT, n when Im not eating Airik is kicking me to make me eat,, lol That's my boy !!

___________________________________

5/16/07: Today was yet another dr appt., they did a sono to check the positioning of my placenta and thankfully it has indeed moved up higher away from my cervix. Airik is out of that risk now. He made sure to flash the us tech his lil boyness and there is NO mistaking he is definitely a BOY,,and not a bit shy, lol. The tech also gave me a facial scan today which is just of the face structure but she said she can tell he is going to have my facial shape based on the scan. Poor kid !! lol Only thing that sucks about that is now they will not be doing anymore scans for me until POSSIBLY 8 months,, ughhhhhh!! I look forward every 4 weeks to see my little man on that screen do they really expect me to go 3 more months without being able to see him? Don't get me wrong I'd rather Airik not be at any risk but Im going to miss seeing my lil guy. :( Being sick with possible food poisoning I ended up losing 3 lbs tho, the dr. isnt worried cus he said Airik is fine. Next month I go for my glucose testing YUCK !!

Im trying to get insurance approval now to return for my counseling so that I can think str8 again. Between pregnancy emotions, baby daddy drama, life drama, losing my job, in the process of losing my apartment, struggling to pay bills on the mere unemployment I get, and a list of others, PLUS not being able to take my depression and anxiety meds due to pregnancy I do need to start back sessions with my therapist which I love her. Since losing my job though this NYS insurance is horrible and very restrictive. They wont allow my OB to give me a referral for therapy so I have to make an appointment with my primary dr to get a referral to go to a therapist I been seeing for almost 3 years. They wont even cover the generic prenatal vitamins I been on for the past 6 months of pregnancy PLUS 1 year post gastric bypass surgery and want me to switch to something else. I refuse, I will just pay out of pocket since its only $10 for the refills. I'm not changing vitamins in the middle/end of my pregnancy regardless. It just doesnt make any sense to me, why make things harder??

I been super busy lately taking care of Akili's grandmother who is in Hospice at our local hospital. I been going there daily to sit with her and feed her and make sure she is ok while everyone is at work. It started as a way of support for Akili's mom and all the support she is giving me with the baby but now I go for the grandma, she tells me everyday to come back so I will as she is my son's great grandmother. Things with Akili havent been any better. Since our last big fight 3 weeks ago when he threatened to punch me in my face he again has surfaced with now more threats. This time he sent his threats through a close friend of mine to let me know that he is going to have me beaten up and/or me and my son killed. Since this wasnt said directly to me the police cannot do anything to protect myself and Airik. So needless to say now instead of just worrying about being a good mom, and protecting my son from the crazy pple this world now has, but now I have to find a way of protecting my lil guy from his own FATHER. I was so upset that I actually for a brief moment though about putting my lil man up for adoption as a way to sacrifice him from any hurt his father might attempt. That would kill me though, I love my son already and cant wait for his arrival, Im just scared now. It upsets me that his father can be this cold and callous to his own son b4 his birth. Airik didnt do anything to him, so why does my lil man have to suffer?

___________________________________

5/23/07: I cant believe how busy I have been lately, or how I have had the energy to do everything either. Well Akili's grandmother lost her battle yesterday. She was a strong woman but God took her home with him at 3:45pm yesterday. Akili's mom had gone home to shower and change as she had stayed the night b4 at the hospital. I promised to stay with grandma until she returned so grandma wasnt alone. I told her the family all loved her and promised to watch over them as best I could but that if she was tired she could just rest. I held her hand and told her I loved her and I was next to her resting too. She took her last breath and then was gone. I know she is at peace now and isnt in anymore pain, she was 85 yrs old and lived a long life, I will miss her as in the short time I spent everyday with her at the hospital I got very close to her and enjoyed seeing her smile and ask me to come back the next day to see her. Unfortunatley, now I am worried about Akili and how he is taking the loss of his grandmother as he lost his grandfather less than a year ago. His mom promised me that she will look out for him though. Regardless of how he has treated me during this pregnancy I would never wish anything like this for him. My heart goes out to him and his entire family, of which have all accepted me and baby Airik. The night before last while visiting grandma Odessa, I knew something was wrong with her and called Akili's mom to the hospital. While there Akili showed up and was VERY upset taht I was there (he didnt know I been there everyday) and he left. Akili and I havent spoke at all but I did drop dinner off to the family late last night. I wish I could do more but with the situation my hands are tied and I dont know what else to do.

As for me and the baby, with the heat getting higher I been VERY moody and tired lately. My patience level for the dumb trivial crap is very thin and I will tell anyone off QUICK. As a result now my son no longer has a godfather since Greg and I got into a disagreement over something I never said to someone and it caused problems. If he can't trust my word after 10 years of friendship then oh well I guess we never were friends to begin with. Airik has no father, no grandfather (my dad passed almost 3 yrs ago of lung cancer) an uncle that doesnt accept him, and now no godfather. So much for him having any positive male role models in his precious lil life. Yet again, MOMMY'S Fault and Airik is the one to suffer.

The heat also makes my legs swell and I find myself waddling, which I HATE. I also been waking with leg cramps ALOT lately, and can hardly move my legs until the cramp goes away. I was in the hospital last Friday with those stabbing chest pains again, to which they monitored me and Airik, he is fine but they gave me Lidocane mixed with Maylox to numb the pain so I could be comfortable. Since its notpregnancy related per say they sent me to my gastric bypass surgeon for a check up. Of course they feel it could be an ulcer forming but cannot do testing to be sure until AFTER I have Airik. I wont put my lil man in danger, hell NO. They want me to take Nexium until after Airik is born and made me follow up with my nutritionist for bloodwork to see if I am getting enough nutrition for myself and Airik. Hopefully I am so I dont have to take too many suppliments, Im not keen on taking things during pregnancy. It sbad enough my state insurance is now not covering my prenatal vits because they are NOT the generic brand they cover and want me to switch. I been taking these same vits since 1 month after my surgery plus the 6 months of my pregnancy, I REFUSE to switch now and am paying for them out of pocket. I was able to see my primary dr to get a referral back to my therapist for counseling which is SOOO needed now. I just have to call and make an appointment with her ASAP. It will be good to get back and talk about things, esp someone not around me that judges everything I do.

___________________________________

5/28/07: Today has been a horrible emotional day for me. I have finally started to come to realize I am really going to be a single mother to lil Airik. This scares me to death. What if I make a mistake, will it scar him for life? Will he resent me for not having a father? How will I teach him the guy things he needs to learn and know about? What do I say when he turns to me and says, "Where's my Daddy?".. SIGH, why did this happen this way? What did Airik ever do to deserve this? He is such and innocent lil thing struggling and fighting to make his arrival. Why did I have to go and mess it all up for him? I can already sense Airik is protective of his mommy, when I get upset and/or cry he kicks me hard so to show me he is here for me. Poor lil guy hasnt even taken his first breath on earth and already protecting mommy. This is soooo not fair!! I literally want to curl up in a ball and cry, my heart hurts so badly today and I feel like such a screw up but worse off is I dragged this precious lil baby down with me. Im so scared now, I never imagined ever being a mother, and esp NEVER thought for a second I would be alone to raise this lil baby. God please find some strength to get me through all of this. Not for me, but for my SON!! Regardless of any of my sins, Airik hasnt made ANY.

6/1/07: What started out as an alright day turn to disaster for me. Akili's mom called me at 7am telling me she wanted me at the funeral of her mother Odessa today. I had been declining to go as I felt it would cause problems to grow even further between Akili and I. However for all the support his mom has been showing and giving me I went for HER. It was a lovely service and in the program and one speech Airik was mentioned briefly and disgreatly. After the cemetery I was following the family back so I dint get lost when I received a phone call from Akili, screaming at me to stay away from his family and kids, that I am NOT his family and if I continue to be around them there will be hell to pay. For me to stop telling pple I am carrying his baby cus I dont have a clue who's baby this is, to which I told him he is full of shit cus HE KNOWS I was only sleeping with HIM, this baby is NO ONE ELSES. Supposedly his ex, mother of his 4 yr old, asked or told him I said I was his girlfriend and the baby I'm carrying is his. That NEVER happened, she introduced herself to me and I told her my name, she asked if I was related and I simply said its complicated but rather than trouble arise im just a friend of the family. That was it, I walked away but wasnt rude. I never spoke to anyone other than Akili's sister who I met that day and we were alone and she told me that she wants to be in Airik's life and to keep in contact with her cus regardless I am her family. I simply thanked her for her kindness. I drove 45 mins home from the cemetery hysterically crying. I came home and called family court and they had me go there right away for an order of protection to be filed. OMG @ how clueless I was. I literally stood in the hallway filling out paperwork I had no clue how to fill out nor had any help from anyone there, and sobbed. They made me file paternity paperwork to link Akili and I together or I couldnt get a protection order. The judge granted me a temporary order of protection until June 12th when I have to appear in court again with Akili there. My heart is shattered now. I cant eat, I cant sleep, all I been doing since I got the call at 2:31pm today is cry. Airik is kicking but I cant even enjoy it. I know my lil man knows mommy is upset and he doesnt like it but I cant help it. This all hurts so bad, I just went for HIS mom and to pay respect to Odessa to which she was burried in the dress I bought her, with the 2 poems in her program I gave his mother, along with the photo of roses as the program background, and supplied the 2 dozen pink and white roses for the family to present to her as they paid their last respects today. I didnt do this for Akili, I did it because Odessa showed me love in her last days, she IS my son's great-grandmother, and I promised her b4 she took her last breath I'd be there to help get her family through this time so that she would rest and let herself go to heaven. Someone tell me what I did wrong? PLEASE!! Now my son has NO family at all, ontop of No father, and its all MY fault !!

___________________________________

6/6/07: Well it seems I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont. I attempted to get an order of protection to protect myself and my lil man from threats his father has been making over the past month. When I went to the courts they MADE me fill out paternity papers to establish a link between Akili and I they say so that I could be granted the order of protection. I had NO clue that we would be served and have to appear in court for paternity, until I received the papers in the mail yesterday. This caused a HUGE mess and Akili called screaming at me cus I told him from the beginning I wouldnt do that to him. He felt I lied to him and I didnt, it was out of my hands. He flip flopped numerous times about Airik not being his baby but in the next breath telling me that I cant keep him away from his son. After numerous calls and arguing we agreed to calmly meet at a public location last night to talk, which we did. I told Akili that he left me with no choice because of his violent temper lately I was scared but I didnt want all of this to happen. Lately I just didnt know the person he has become and I dont trust this person that is infront of me now. I simply need peace for the next 2 1/2 months to plan the arrival of my lil boy. The fighting needs to stop and stop now. He agreed and stated he would try and go to my next dr. appt with me on the 18th. We will see but I doubt it. Im just holding out hopes he will show up for Airik's birth as that is the ONLY thing that matters to me, after that he can disappear for Airik's entire life.

I then this morning attempted to go to the court and have everything dropped to which I again was mistreated there and told flatly they would NOT dismiss it and I should appear in court next week infront of the judge and ask HER to dismiss it. No sorry but Im not and I simply REFUSE to drag my innocent son through the court system. I just want peace, yes I was scared, I have NEVER been through this before but I wont allow my son to be dragged through this, now or EVER in his little life. If Akili isnt around then fine, I have to do what I can for Airik alone. Im NOT letting a court that isnt raising my son tell me what I can and cant do for my child, SORRY BUT NO! We will see how things go until the court date on June 12th and if things are civil then I am not going to court which will automatically dismiss the charges since I was the petitioner.

Im not very religious in the biblical sense but, I am putting all of this in God's hands, he gave me my lil boy for whatever reason, when I was told I couldnt have children. God gave him to me so God will see me through this. I know it will be hard and I am scared of doing things wrong but I have to try my best for my lil man. I owe it to Airik and I owe it to God first and foremost for granting me this experience to be a mother.

___________________________________

6/10/07: I can't believe it but I actually had a nice PEACEFUL and enjoyable weekend. Friday I went to garage sales with my sister in law and was able to get a dresser with convertable changing table top for only $25 !! Its really nice and sturdy wood. We didnt have room in the van (my SIL was buying like crazy) so the lady told me to come back the next day to pick it up. I found a bunch of children's books for .25 and grabbed them as I have begun reading to Airik at night before bedtime. Then Saturday while going to get the dresser I got lost and luckily found another sale with ALL BOY STUFF!! I was in heaven. I bought a whole big bag of clothes, 3 brand new pair of shoes, a crib bedding set w/ 2 sheets and a portable swing for $14. Then on the way home found another right down the street where I got a 3 draw plastic cart and 2 boy outfits for $5. YIPPY!!!

Surprisingly late Friday night Akili called me and came over. We didnt argue and got along well as FRIENDS. He shocked me by asking me not only how I was feeling but how AIRIK was doing. I didnt realize he even knew the baby's name let alone wanted to know about him. I told him he was fine and been kicking all day. He stayed the night, no there was no intimacy. He fell asleep watching a movie. I kept myself purposely on the opposite edge of the bed away from him. I felt him get up and go to the bathroom then get abck in bed and wrap his arms around me. I fell back to sleep and then rewoke with him (thinking I was asleep) holding and rubbing my stomach to feel Airik. I know he felt him cus Airik had hiccups. Im just glad he got to experience that atleast, but it was weird. I dont know why he did that but I really dont care, its something that he needed to do it seems.

I have decided that until Airik is born its best that I stay calm and at peace for Airik's sake. No I am NOT falling for Akili's charm as I still do NOT want him in that "couple" way. I DO yes, want my friend in him back and it is a work in progress. So long as we can be civil with one another I am good with that and dont need anymore. Honestly the fighting and arguing isnt worth it anymore, Im so done with that mess.

I just need to be at peace so I can be the best mommy I can for when my son gets here, not fearful and scared and a basketcase crying every second. That wont help Airik when he needs his mommy. I know in my heart once my lil man gets here he is going to be my world and my world WILL revolve around him, always. I love this lil guy with all my heart, and soul. He deserves the best!!

Updated: Yet more suprises, after I posted this last night Akili called asking if I wanted company, so he came over and watched a movie. Airik was a busy lil thing jumpin and flipping around, he still is protective of his momma around men, lol. We had another peaceful night, just watched the movie, no cuddling or any of that mess just like 2 friends hanging out. Then he called me this am to ask how I was feeling. Good although I woke up again with another foot cramp and was in PAIN. Time will see what happens, Im just enjoying the peace.

___________________________________

6/16/07: Ok I am officially tired of being pregnant today. I want my son HERE in my arms and to take care of NOW. I am so SUPER lonely and have NO ONE in my life to even share a smile with on a given day. 2 weekends in a row plans I had to go to my nephew and neices baseball games have been canceled due to poor communication. Leaving me with NOTHING to do and miserable. Tried to go garage saling but I just wasnt interested. Im super emotional and moody now. Nothing seems to be going right. Today was the last straw and I cant take anymore.

Yesterday wasnt any better for me. My old car that has been broke down going on 7 yrs I finally sold for $500 but it was the last thing my dad bought for me before being diagnose with Lung Cancer and passing away. Not only isnt he here to be in my son's life and for Airik to have a grandpa but I dont have anything of my dad's left. So it hurt selling it, I just couldnt afford to fix it with lil Airik on the way and not knowing exactly what was wrong with it other than an oil leak and it sitting for so long. Otherwise the car was in GREAT shape, body and low mileage, etc.. I know I had to sell the car and dad would have sold it if he was here too but emotionally it tore my heart out.

Akili also came by yesterday to get his Father's Day gift, (Airik and I got him a really nice gold watch and a card saying "for Father's day we wanted to give you TIME in the hopes you could find a few spare moments of it to share with us") and stayed watching tv with me. It was nice to sit with a friend and just spend a lil time together. I told him about the car and he tried to reassure me that it was a good deal. He was here maybe an hour b4 he left, I told him to have a nice weekend and he said for me to too and try to handle the heat. I know I wont see him again. I just have to get used to that, and try to stay sane the next 2 months. Just sucks cus I have NO ONE left here, I've shut out so many so-called friends I am left with NOTHING. UGH !!! Welp off to go cry yet again !! God Please hurry and get my son here with me, Healthy!!

___________________________________

6/29/07: I am so confused now. I shouldnt complain because Akili has been coming over and making attempts to be here for me emotionally lately. Which is soo appreciated and needed now that things are getting closer and Im getting more nervous. He's been here and stayed and we have been intimate again which felt good of course but still no relationship and I am NOT looking for one from him. Anyways, with everything going well, yesterday I turned to him and asked him, as a friend, if he felt I would be able to do this a be a good mommy for lil Airik, to which he replied Yes without a doubt he feels I will do fine and be fine. I told him that made me feel good esp coming from HIM. Then after a short pause he mumbled that he jsut isnt thrilled about the middle name I picked for Airik (to which he has only known maybe 2 weeks to the most, when he asked while over here one night) Since he opened that door I attempted to discuss and explain why I picked the name Anthony (which btw is my ex's first name but NOT I repeat NOT the reason I picked it for my son). I told him the other name I thought of using I didnt think he'd let me which was HIS name, Akili. HE then said that he'd hoped to honor either his grandfather (Clayton) or his uncle (Elijah). I told him that I wanted to use HIS full initials and that I had infact considered Elijah when thinking of names but spelt with an A instead (Alijah). He had to leave for work so we didnt get to finish the discussion and I dont want us to argue but I am now so confused. I am completely in love with the name Airik Anthony-Hakim, that took me forever to pick out but this is HIS baby too and shouldnt he have some sort of say or imput? I tried to discuss it with my mother and she 1 minute says its MY baby to name him whatever I want but in her next breath tells me she hates the name Alijah and it sounds dumb, which btw she also dislikes Hakim too, but has been dealin with it as I told her Akili's mom likes it and it was staying. My therapist says that I should allow Akili to have a part in picking his son's middle name so that he can bond that way and hopefully WANT to play a role in his lil boy's life and not feel I shut him out completely. Why did this have to come up now? I have no clue what to do, or who to even please anymore. UGH !! Airik Anthony-Hakim or Airik Alijah-Hakim -- HELP !

7/2/07: I knew it couldnt last. Akili came by again last night and dropped the bomb on me yet again that he cant be here like he has been and doubt if he can when Airik is born. I havent slept and all I do is cry hysterically. I go to my dr appt today at 1:30pm and jsut want to get it overwith. Im so done with this hurt and the pregnancy. I love this little boy with all my heart and soul but I know I need to do what is best for him and his future. If that means giving him up then I need to swallow my feelings and do what is best for him. Yes it will ultimately KILL me inside but I have to allow Airik a chance at a real life with a mom and dad who loves him regardless, not for him to be a secret because of who his mom is and no one wants to be with her. Im calling a couple adoption agencies today to see what info they can give me. Then too he can have a real last name of love not one he is just stuck with, god this is tearing me apart and hurts so bad. I have to do what is best for Airik though.

Mommy is a Daddy is a

we are having a

Comments on WendyLJ`s Profile
Leave a message for WendyLJ in the right column where it reads `Add comment`

Comments 1-3 to WendyLJ

Laura Ward - 29.7 hours ago
Message to all This may be interesting to some of you. Seema`s email is seema.modhvadia@rdftelevision.com

Hi there,

I work for a television production company based in the UK . We are currently making a documentary for ITV1 exploring the issues surrounding pregnancy and eating disorders. The film will be a thoughtful and insightful look into this extremely sensitive subject.

We�re in the research stage of our production and very keen to chat to women who are, or have been, pregnant whilst having an eating disorder.

If you�re interested in having a chat or finding out more about our documentary, it would be really great to hear from you. All communication would be in complete confidence.

You can contact me on: seema.modhvadia@rdftelevision.com

Sx

More comments:

Leave a message for WendyLJ in the right column where it reads `Add comment`

Photos

Mommy`s lil Peanut @ 7.3 weeks (2007, 06, 11)

Surprise !! Baby Shower Arrival !! 8-5-07 (2007, 08, 07)

Mommy & Airik minutes old (2007, 08, 30)

Children

Latest blogs
No blogs added.

Agenda