alybob's profile

alybob
	Age: 18 Country: Province/region: City: Partner: no longer together Children: Yes, 1 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation:
	Online: More than 3 months ago Last updated: 295 days ago. Member since: 331 days
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An introduction...

(30th August 2007 - 17.39)

So, this is my first pregnancy. At this moment i am at the start of 18 weeks pregnant. I am very nervous and my emotions have been very mixed.

When i first had my suspicions i was pregnant, i was in denial about it. Didn't really think it could be real. I went for a pregnancy test and when it showed positive i admit i was terrified and cried my eyes out!

I started to get my head round the idea, and went through a stage of being really excited and happy. But then my emotions changed completely and now i have been pretty down and try to be happy but cant seem to.

I think reasons for this are because of my age, and the fact i have no money to support this child. I don't even have my own independence, i am currently living with my mum and twin sisters ( who have just hit their teens!) and finding it near impossible to get a house. I am not with the father of the baby as he is so unbelievably unreliable, and he would probably cause more damage than good in this. I couldn't cope with his insults, and hes not a very understanding person.

So i have been pretty depressed recently, i have had problems with anxiety and depression in the past so i think the changing hormones at this time are a bit hard to adjust to. Fortunately, i managed to pluck the courage up to book a doctors appointment, so maybe i can get some help.

Just really worried about how i will react when the baby comes. I don't want to reject it.

I want to be happy, i really do, but finding it very very hard.

I have been concentrating on eating well. And i am extremely proud of myself! I have gone from a heavy smoker to an EX smoker. And from a stupid binge drinker to non-alcoholic! I haven't touched a drop of alcohol or a cigarette for months now!

Can't wait to find the sex of the baby, i am hoping for a girl and am pretty positive it is a girl as i have been dreaming about baby girls lol, so we'll see! Whatever the sex i won't mind though.

I just need to bloody cheer up!

(3rd September 07 - 17.51pm)

Well, i finally plucked up the courage to book a doctors appointment last week. I know it sounds simple but i had been wanting to do it for a while now. Before the pregnancy (about a year ago maybe) i was in counseling for anxiety. It didn't last long as i felt i was getting better.
But the anxiety i think, stayed but just wasn't as severe as it had been. Now though, i feel like maybe i am suffering from anxiety but in different ways. Like getting really angry. If i don't get upset, i get very very angry, and vice versa.

I know the pregnancy will be making it all more exadurated(i haven't a clue how to spell that!), but it was serious before and it has got hard to cope with now. I just feel so down all the time, and when I'm not feeling down I'm at the point of breaking. or maybe I've already broke. So much stuff has been swimming through my head for so long now, and i haven't had the courage to tell anyone about things that are bothering me.

I dont want the baby to be around a stressed and anxious mother, so i want to get as much sorted as i can now, so i can concentrate on being a good mum.

Its just little things that i need to sort out, like worrying about doing something because people will be watching or people will be there. I think i have people phobia lol. Anyway, i dont feel like im making much sense, in a bit of a dazed mood.

And i have decided to tell the dad not to come to scans. he hasnt supported me through this pregnancy, to be honest he never did support me when we were together. And being me, ive only just figured that out. So, i know that it will be hard, but this is definately the best thing to do. Kevin isnt supportive and he makes me feel incapable and small, so i am better of without him. He thinks he can walk in and out when he feels like it, and its not fair on my emotions. I have to be calm and he contributes to my anxiety. I AM better off without him. At least i have my mum, and my friends are slowly coming back ( i lost contact for the 2years i was together with kevin- control freak)

03 October 2007

I have no idea what has happened to my VIP page. A bit annoyed really, because i wanted to print everything off and keep it, but somehow it has all been deleted.

Well anyway, i went to see Maia yesterday in the chapel of rest at the funeral place who are burying her. It was so beautiful. She was in a little room, decorated like a nursery, full of teddies and toys, and she was in a little moses basket, and a cot next to her. It was so lovely, i knew she was happy there.

She will stay there until the funeral on friday, so i can go and see her whenever i want.

I went twice yesterday, first with my mum and then i sat with her for half an hour on my own later on in the day.

She looks much smaller now, and much more delicate, but still beautiful, and it is sooo sooo nice being able to go and see her.

I wrote her a letter in a cute card that i will put in her casket for her.

This is what i wrote: ( i dont mind sharing this with everyone because i know Maia is going to read it

Dear Maia,
I love you so much.
Thankyou for looking after me.
You should know, if i had had the chance i would have looked after you very much too.
I wish we could have had the chance to see each other properly and spend mroe time together.
I know it wasn't your fault you died. You just got so excited.
I wish you would of relaxed and stayed still, but nothing can be done now.
You were so beautiful when you were born. Just perfect.
And i keep wondering what it would have been like to see you open your eyes and look at me.
And what it would have been like to take you home and care for you.
It wasnt meant to be like this
You were meant to be born healthy and alive and it was meant to be Maia and Alyssa looking after each other
I dont understand what happened, and i dont thnk i ever will, but i love you more than i can ever say and i will never stop caring about you and i will miss you always.
I hope wherever you are, it is nice and just as beautiful as you.
And i hope you are happy and safe.
I hope one day i will get to be with you and i promise i will look after you if we do see each other again
I love you Maia Belle
You were definately too good for this world anyway.
Love you for eternity
Your mummy
Alyssa
xxxxxx

The reason she died was because she has been so active, she got her cord tangled in a knot.
When she was born, im not just saying this, but she was so beautiful
Like a minature baby, perfectly formed. With her little hands and feet and her face, her nose, mouth and ears. You could even see where her eyebrows and her hair was about to grow. She was perfect.

I bought myself a locket necklace with a little child on the front, and Maia a matching bracelet which she will be buried with. I also gave her too teddies, and a little dress and a glass angel.

I bought another locket for 60 pounds, a silver one because the matching locket to Maias bracelet, was too tiny for a picture, so i bought bigger one, and put them both on the same chain. And when i sort out her pictures i will give them to family, and i may put one on here or sent to friends as i dont want to upset anyone.

I dont see her, as never being a child. She doesnt hav an official birth and death certificate because she died before 24 weeks, which i think is a load of shit. She was a baby, she was perfect and she looked like a baby regardless of what anyone says. But i dont need a bit of paper to tell me anything.

I became a mum the moment i found out i was pregnant. I made my decisions to give her the best start in life.
I made the decision to stop smoking and drinking.
I made the decision to breastfeed for the best for her
And i made the decision to become a reliable and mature mum for my baby.

And i will always be a mum, Maia will always be my first child.

And i will never regret holding her in my arms when she was born. She was so beautiful.

We are burying her in a baby cemetry in a near town to mine. My town doesnt have a baby cemetry (it has a pet cemetry though!) and the whole cemetry is run down and not well kept. But the one we are putting her in, is beautiful, it is tidy, has wondeful views, and she will rest with other babies and children who were taken too soon.

I bought her some flowers in her name MAIA in pinks, and purples, and yellows, oranges, whites...all bright beautiful colours.

And my mum bought one in pink and white flowers shaped like a teddy bear

And my grandma bought a basket of flowers for her

Im also (as im not very good at art) doing a big painting by numbers picture for her, which ive already started and i will get it laminated, and put on her grave

I want to do as much as i can for her, she knows i love her with all my heart

She was just too precious for this cruel world.

(5th October 2007)

My baby's funeral was today. It was hard, but im struggling crying.
Everyone said how lovely it was, and i cant say the same, but i tried to make it as nice and beautiful for her as possible

I want to hopefully create a website in remembrance of Maia, and i will post the link if i get round to it on here.

It was hard to say goodbye to my Maia, but i felt as though she was getting tired and wanted to be laid to rest. I love you so much baby. xxx

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Photos

First scan on 17th July 2007 - Just a different picture (2007, 09, 11)

My first scan on th 17th July 2007! (2007, 09, 11)

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