All of the entries from my previous
pregnancy are located on Maddie's page.

NEW! The reality of May 29th, 2008 5/1/08 (9w+4d)

This month I would be in the home stretch of my pregnancy. Instead I am rounding the end of my first trimester with my second baby in what seems like a very perilous and frightening journey. I read a story from someone on here who gave birth at 4 months. Her story touched me in a way that nothing has in a while. I haven't cried over losing Maddie in months. I think about her all the time, but tonight I was reminded of the weight that comes with losing a child and the impact it has on a mother and a family.

I believe that I have been ignoring it for a couple months. I have read EVERYTHING there is to read about late miscarriages, their causes, infections, fertility, early pregnancy and complications. All the reading in the world (and on the web) won't bring my baby back, and even this child will not REPLACE my daughter.

I guess I am not done grieving.

The first official appointment 4/25/08 (8w+6d)

Friday was our first "official" appointment in this pregnancy. The u/s was just so we all could breathe a little easier. Somehow I managed to wake up that morning with ANOTHER yeast infection. Let's see if we can keep count: Had one in January due to antibiotics after m/c, had one in Feb (irritation after bding), had another one in March right before I found out I was pregnant, and now this one. We are less than 5 months into 2008 and I've already had 4 yeast infections. I was GLAD that (if I had to get one) I had at least gotten it when I was due to have a pelvic exam! Hopefully I'll find out once and for all why this keeps happening.

The nurse practitioner was very thorough and gave me a lot of information. I am concerned (of course) about losing another pregnancy to an infection. I was told that there is really no way to tell if your body's fighting an infection or a virus, so there's no real way to keep on top of it. She said that if I feel sick I should call and if they want to see me, I should come in. She said that they might err on the side of caution and prescribe antibiotics more often than they would normally, because of my history. She also told me that there is no concrete way to keep that from happening again, but that we will have routine ultrasounds to monitor this entire pregnancy. I already have one scheduled for my next appointment on May 20, and then once I'm in the second trimester I am told that we will have them every couple weeks to check cervical length for an impending miscarriage. If we can see it happening ahead of time then we can stop it.

Other than that, I was told that my uterus is growing appropriately and that everything looks good! I'm looking forward to seeing our little "blobby" in a month. It will be great to see how it changes from month to month. And to think, in 2 months we'll get to find out the sex! YAY! I had a definite dream that it was a girl, but now I think boy. I guess we'll just have to wait and see :)

Baby gets his first pictures! 4/24/08 (8w+5d)

So we got our first ultrasound done this morning. I have been SO nervous and paranoid about it all.and I'm SO glad that my doctor ok'd the ultrasound. With my last pregnancy I didn't get one until 18 weeks. How I went that far without freaking out and just ASSUMING that there really was a baby in there is beyond me! I was mentally prepared to be told that there was no baby or that the baby had died/stopped developing. I still FEEL pregnant, but I was just scared that I'd get bad news,especially since I'd been so sick so early on.

I got NO sleep last night - my stomach was in knots (dinner just wasn't sitting right) and I wasn't tired at all. I just laid there forever staring at the wall and trying to get comfortable. Of course an hour before the alarm went off I drifted off into a deep sleep, making it REALLY hard to get up!

So we got up and I drowned myself in water so they could see the baby and off we went. As soon as she put the wand on there I saw the little blob! I was glad to see a baby in there. Then she positioned it and we saw the heart beating at 171. She checked my entire uterus, my ovaries and everything else in there and all was fine! We even saw the little guy floating around and moving his tiny arms/legs a little bit! I almost asked her (jokingly) if she thought it was a boy/girl, but I knew she wouldn't think it was a joke, so it wasn't worth it. The great news is that everything seems to be fine, the baby's right on track (measured one DAY early - insignificant) and s/he's alive and kickin in there! We know that we have no chromosomal markers for anything bad and our last baby was perfectly healthy, so this one should go all the way (as long as I stay healthy)! Want to see the little blobby? Here you go:

9 Month Anniversary 4/7/08 (6w+2d)

Today is NINE MONTHS that Jason and I have been married. It's been the craziest 9 months EVER; full of ups and downs.

We got married and had a WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL honeymoon in Pinetop, AZ. I still look back at that with beautiful memories. The wedding was perfect. The honeymoon was perfect.

Then we moved into our new house two weeks after the honeymoon and have been doing LOTS of home-improvement projects. Then we decided that, since I have PCOS, it would take a while to get pregnant (we figured at least a year), so we started trying. Two months later we discovered that we were PREGNANT! I was so happy and so scared. I was unprepared for that to happen so soon. Poor Maddie was taken to heaven 4 short months later. When we lost our angel, I spent 4 days in the hospital and Jason spent EVERY NIGHT there by my bed. We cried together and we healed together.

We decided that we really needed to fill the hole that we had in our hearts from sweet Maddie, so we started trying to get pregnant again. Three short months later (to the day) we got our BFP! One week later I was told I had pneumonia and a sinus infection caused by the same bacteria that took Maddie away from us. I'm now recovered from that and feeling pregnant and LOVING IT! I thank God everyday for this gift and I know that we will have a beautiful Christmas (this one's due 12/1/08). What an incredible nine months!

I LOVE BEING PREGNANT! 4/2/08 (5w+4d)

I am so happy to be pregnant again. I can't wait for everything this new life will bring. SO HAPPY!

Update... 3/28/08 (4w+6d)

Wow, where to begin? Well, I went to my family doctor yesterday morning and he told me that this is an "abnormal" pneumonia and after I told him about my last pregnancy, threw around the word "haemophilus" rather carelessly. That is a word I NEVER want to hear in relation to me again, unless it is part of a sentence containing "is immune to."

For those of you who don't know, this was the infection that ended my previous pregnancy at 18 weeks. So I have been staying home the rest of the week trying to get over this pneumonia. I do feel mostly better, but it's hard to tell what symptoms are due to the pneumonia and what's from the baby! I just hope and pray that I am able to be vigilant enough about my own health to carry this child to term.

In other exciting news, I called my OB's office this morning (they must LOVE me by now - I've been bugging them so much this week with being sick) and asked if I could schedule an ultrasound at my first appointment just to put my mind at ease and make sure that everything's developing appropriately, since I've been so sick. I was granted my wish! I didn't get an ultrasound last time until 18 weeks (2 days before I miscarried), so this should be COOL! I sure hope everything turns out okay...

Sicker than I thought... 3/25/08 (4w+3d)

So after working a full day (probably not a good idea - I think it sent me over the edge sick-wise) and trying to decipher whether the Z-pak is safe in pregnancy, I wound up getting the prescription filled. I went to Walgreens and did that, then came home and slept. I knew my fever was high because I had chills and I was shivering. I just needed to sleep. I took my temperature before I fell asleep and it was 102.3. I decided to sleep it off. I woke up a little over an hour later and took my temperature again and it was 103.2. I was dizzy and sweating and hot hot HOT. I called my mom and had her take me to urgent care.

Though they couldn't do any x-rays because I'm pregnant, they listened to my lungs and took into account the fact that my temperature had gotten so high. They did blood work which showed that I am fighting a bacterial infection. And since my fever was so high, the doctor said he thought it was most likely pneumonia. WHAT?! With a little sinus infection to boot. HOLY COW! I'm 4 weeks pregnant and I have pneumonia and a sinus infection. Super. I just hope this little one keeps fighting like it has been so far.

Oh yeah, and the blood tests also showed that I'm not eating. Well, yeah, because I'm nauseous all the time! They told me to drink Gatorade and eat something and that will help a little. So it's 10:37pm and now I need to find something to eat...hmm... Don't know what that will be, I'm not particularly hungry. But it's what's best for me and the baby, so off to eat I go!

So here we go again! 3/24/08 (4w+2d)

Well, after freaking out last month (see entries below), I decided to just enjoy my life the best that I can and wait patiently. This past week was Spring Break and DH and I did a LOT of projects around the house (built a patio cover, fixed up our back gate, fixed up his truck and my car, etc). We were EXHAUSTED. I was more and more nervous with each passing day because Friday was when AF was due. I was CONVINCED that I wasn't pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant, I hadn't even looked for signs. I "knew" it wouldn't happen this month. I had decided that the PCOS was against us and that getting pregnant with Maddie so quickly was just luck and we were in for a long ride. I had also managed to get yet ANOTHER yeast infection (like the 3rd one this year) and just wasn't thinking baby.

So Friday comes and no AF. I'm having cramps and sore BBs and just feeling icky, so I decided that AF was just going to come later in the day. I was running to the bathroom every hour or two checking for it, but nothing. Saturday I woke up and still no AF, so I told Jason that I wanted to take a pregnancy test, but it would be most effective it it was first morning urine (since it's more concentrated). He said "ok, can you hold it long enough to run to CVS?" So I jumped up, got dressed and ran to the pharmacy on the corner, bought a three-pack and came home. It was a kind I'd never used before - all the others would have a control line and another line. If it was positive it would have a plus sign. I took the test with Jason standing there and when I looked at it I thought it was negative. It had only two lines. I told him to check the instructions to find out what positive looked like. Turns out positive has TWO LINES! OMG, we're pregnant again!!

I came on here to leave notes on the TTC page and the week 4 page, when I saw I had new messages. When I finished looking at my messages I scrolled up to the top and noticed that it had been 3 months to the day that we had lost Maddie. THREE months ago TO THE DAY we lost our baby, and then we find out that we're having another one. And this time I have no fear!

Well, the good news is... 2/25/08 (0w+2d)

That my cycle is as regular as it was before I got pregnant. The bad news is that AF showed up on Saturday, exactly as I thought she would. I'm okay with it all, actually. I know it will happen when it happens, and I don't think I'm going to freak out during the 2WW anymore. If it happens it happens; freaking out won't make me pregnant if I'm not already and it won't end a pregnancy if it's already there. I need to just go with the flow. I'm looking forward to moving on, enjoying our time together as a couple and having fun together. At least this child will always know they were wanted and loved from day 1.

Giving up hope 2/22/08

So...I haven't gotten my period (not due until tomorrow anyway, and that's only if my cycle is regular like it was before the m/c) but I've gotten 5 BFN's and I'm thinking I jinxed myself. Oh well. I''m over the disappointment for now. If I was pregnant right now I'd be due on Halloween and I wouldn't want to put a kid through the horror of growing up with that kind of birthday :P Besides, professionally that time of the school year really SUCKS to have a baby. I'll be happy if it happens anytime in the next couple months. I'd be THRILLED if we got pregnant in March/April or August/Septemnber. Those months would be GREAT for my job. Of course, I would welcome a miracle at any time of year. I really want this...our family needs this.

Today is 2 months since we lost our angel. The pain has lessened but I still miss her and I know I always will. Jason and I are having more good days now which is nice. Maddie helped us grow stronger as a couple and I can't thank her enough for that. We are both ready to move into the next chapter of our lives and become parents - start our own little family. She has helped us to realize this. Baby dust to you all!