Today was a bit hectic. I spent all day on the phone with my bank trying to investigate these fraudulent charges on my checking account. *rolls my eyes* I'm not even stressing. I'm getting my money back! Whoever did it signed up for service with AOL so I guess I helped someone travel the world wide web with a crappy internet provider. So I was super bored today and decided to give my friend a makeover! She went from an innocent lookin young lady to a chick named Peaches preparing herself for the pole...but nonetheless classy! Take a look at my pictures and see for yourself.

I've began creating my baby registries online. I'm hoping I get at least half of the things that I've listed. So far everything that I've asked for have pretty reasonable prices, you could even call it cheap lol. I even check customer reviews to see if the product is even worth it before I add it to my list. I've decided to go with 3 stores; Babies R Us, Walmart, and Target. Since this is my first child, I of course knew nothing about baby registries. When someone told me the concept, I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. You mean to tell me...I make a list of items that I want and people might buy it for me? Needless to say I've added a Plasma HDTV to my walmart registry. Don't look at me like that! lol I know there's like a 98% chance of me not getting it but I've just gotta hold on to that 2%. You never know. Gotta be positive! Someone might show up at my baby shower and say "Ashley, I saw you wanted a plasma tv so I gave up the title of my car and bought it for you. Congrats!" It's called faith, people! lol

I'm sitting here watching music videos on B.E.T, looking at the women hanging out and having fun and can't help but say "That used to be me and my friends." I miss the good ol days. I'm not saying that more good days aren't coming just remembering the past. I've unknowingly started using the term "back in the day" when it was only 8 months ago! I'm starting to sound like my grandma who claims she used to be the hottest thing on the block. That's me now! lol "Oh I used to turn heads back in the day, had a walk like no other!" I know some of ya'll can feel me even if you don't wanna admit it lol. Maybe the good ol days weren't good for us but c'mon they were fun! Going to the clubs dressed in your tightest and finest outfit. You just got your hair hooked up, but you're a little upset because you paid for two packs of hair when you only used one and the store won't let you take the hair back. Damn them! Oops I'm getting off track...no pun intended lol. Back to the club. You're lookin good and your friends are lookin good. Men are buying you drinks. You're on the dancefloor, doing every booty dance your stripper friend taught you. Have you tried shaking your tailfeather pregnant...its not as cute. Your notorious lush of a friend is fighting with some girl at the bar for looking at her. Why do we bring her? Your newbie club friend is in the bathroom with her head in the toilet and you're there holding her hair up and wiping the snot off her nose. Good times. Good times. More so than that, I miss feeling sexy. I guess I just don't care anymore. So will I care after I give birth? I doubt it but I do wanna be a milf lol. As soon as I can, after I pop her out, I'm doing crunches and I plan on getting my original ass back. I'm not sure whose this one belongs to. Before I got pregnant, my hips/ butt area was 45 inches. Yes, that's quite big lol I was fond of it, Rico liked it. It takes partial credit in attracting him and therefore producing Kenzie lol. I'm not gonna say how big my butt is now... I'll just say it has become a side show attraction. I do enjoy being pregnant though. The kicks I feel always make me smile. I know alot of us young mothers will sometimes miss the days of partying and being spontaneous and having the bodies we worked so hard to maintain lol. But I know once we have our babies, the past won't matter anymore.

I've made two conclusions. Fertile women are HOT and Men are crazy. Ok they're not crazy but I do think they're animalistic which isn't a bad thing actually. So lately a lot of men have been flirting with me and trying to "get at" me. It surprises me because I feel as though I look my absolute worst. I wear lounging pants, a scarf on my head, and my little gray hoodie. I'm nowhere near what I would call attractive right now. When a guy approaches me...I sometimes reply with "Are you serious?" It baffles me. Normally to get men out of my face, I'd say "Sorry I'm taken" but now I say "Sorry, you don't wanna get involved...I'm eight months pregnant, tons of baggage!" (I still don't look pregnant ladies...seriously...no one can tell). By telling men this, I figure they'd take off running but on the contrary, they become even more interested. I think I've gotten more "play" while being pregnant than I have when I wasn't expecting. Stay with me ladies. Something a guy said to me yesterday just really brought it all home for me. I told him that I didn't plan on having anymore children and he aggressively insisted that I MUST! The way he was talking made me think maybe this guy decided to talk to me because A) He figures I'll put out and B) I'm fertile. Seriously! During the conversation, I felt somewhere deep down he was thinking 'this can be the girl that can help me continue my legacy and if she doesn't want more children, there's no point in me talking to her'. This led me to do some research! Are men naturally attracted to fertile/ fertile looking women? Studies have shown that they are! Here are some things that I've learned. Men naturally want women with big boobs because of the breastfeeding aspect. If you got big breasts...you're fertile and can produce milk which means your babies won't starve and you can continue to reproduce. I know it doesn't really make sense and of course it's not true but men don't make sense either so... It also depends on the shape of the woman. Big hips and butts are of course signs (to a man) that a woman can bear children. Studies have also shown that women appear more alluring to men during ovulation. Why? Because men are unconsiously attracted to women with high levels of estrogen. When we ovulate, our estrogen level peaks. And of course with us being pregnant, we are just a big bundle of walking estrogen. Isn't that interesting? And get this...they say women who produce alot of estrogen are usually prettier in the face. Smoother skin and nicer lips. That's why men are always looking for a pretty face. Men are constantly needing to overpopulate the earth! It's an animal instinct. With that being said, they use this bit of information to answer the question "Why do men cheat?" Seriously. *rolls my eyes* Men have to sow their oats I suppose. It's like they're always saying in the back of their minds..."We need more people! We need more people!" So maybe it's not that men just want us for sex...maybe they just want us for sex to have their babies. Just a thought! To sum it all up, I'll translate in "caveman" language. "Pretty woman! Big boobs! Large hips! Make me many offspring! Must make more babies!"

Soooo it seems like my city was hit by a tornado earlier today. You'd be happy to know that I totally slept through it! I had no idea what was happening around me. I wake up around 9 pm finally after getting tons of phone calls. I begin to hear of the damage that's been occuring in my city. I turn on the news and that's all I see. Memphis, Memphis, Memphis. I call my mom and I asked her what the hell happened. Of course she says, "What?! Where have you been? It was horrible! My car is messed up! Trees are down and our fence is broken, the mall is destroyed...Ashley...people are dead! You didn't hear it?!" All I could say was..."I was sleep! Omg that's horrible...people are dead?! Wait, what did you say about the mall?? Oh God! Which mall?! Sears is gone?!?! Oh Lord but that washer and dryer set was on sale!" *ahem* I just can't believe I slept through a tornado. Anywho, I'll be keeping the ones who weren't as fortunate in my prayers. Also kudos to those who went out and voted!

Where do I start? This is not really an update more so of a rant. It has nothing to do with pregnancy but everything to do with women's issues. I just got off the phone with a guy I've known for years and we got into a heated debate. Ok I'll try to give you some background. We started off talking about politics then we ventured into discussing Karrine Steffans. I'm not even sure how. A little information about her -to sum it all up- she slept with alot of men in the entertainment industry. Her nickname is Superhead...I don't think I have to say why. Many people would call this woman a whore. I personally judge no one for what they want to do with their bodies as long as no one is getting hurt. I don't care. Now back to the conversation. The guy just goes on and on about how she's a ho and a slut and nasty and trashy and how she doesn't deserve the air she's allowed and I'm just slowly getting pissed off. Why? Because this is coming from the same man who told me the only way he remembers how many women he's slept with at a party is by counting how many condoms he has LEFT in his pocket when he gets home. You know what he says? He says it's completely normal and NATURAL for men to sleep around. I just find it completely despicable that a young woman claims she's slept with maybe less than a hundred men and she's totally dogged out, while Wilt Chamberlain claims he's screwed 20,000 women (sure, sure) and men give him a pat on the ass. I don't get it. I asked him how many women has he slept with. Of course he doesn't know. He has no idea. Me on the other hand, I know how many men I've slept with AND I remember half their names! lmao I'm just kidding. I know all their names *ahem* But according to him, I'm the more promiscuous one because I should've stopped at 2. lol According to him women are supposed to save themselves and not give their bodies to multiple people. If this is logical, I think it should apply to both sexes. But of course he doesn't think so. Men are supposed to sleep around he says. It's their biological way. This kinda backs up my earlier blog I wrote on Monday. The animalistic behavior. *shrugs* So there ya have it. Men have to sleep with tons of women and it's completely normal and commendable because it all helps continue the human race in the end. While women who sleep with more than 3 men in her lifetime is a slut bucket. These are not the words of a dumb man! And that's what is shocking! An intelligent man said all of that crap! A soon to be lawyer and Harvard graduate! (Yeah he totally doesn't know we're getting married. We share the same birth day...it's fate damn it!) Don't you just love double standards? We have a woman in our presence who has the potential and chance of being the next U.S. president and we're still living in the 1920's. I'm not saying what Karrine did was not 'slutty' but I am saying if we are going to call her names, shouldn't we do the same for men? Can't they be considered man-whores?

Ok just a short little update. I went to the doctor today and I'm continuing to lose weight. I lost 6 more pounds...weird. I eat as much as I can but I'm on that new diet called 'Broke as hell' so it's difficult to get in three meals a day. Plus in between meals, all I'm doing is throwing it back up and sleeping. My blood pressure has gone down which is good. So today was the big day! Finally a cervical examination. I was so excited! I couldn't wait to see my progress. So the nurse prat comes in, (I was hoping for my doctor) has a little small talk and just rams her hand up my hoo-ha. *gasp* She didn't tell me her name, ask me about myself, or take me out for dinner first! I felt so violated! Nonetheless, I'm not dialated whatsoever. But my cervix is thinning so that's good I suppose. While she was *ahem* up there, she said she could feel the baby's head and I was like "Oh really? Well can you just pull her out then?" I personally think she's done cooking. I have a feeling that she's not gonna come out on her own though! I think I'll eventually have to be induced. I mean, because I've already warned her about what she'd be getting herself into by doing so. The world is not all it's cracked up to be! lol Also ya'll haven't met my family, if I was Makenzie, I'd too try to stay in there as long as possible. I can just imagine her thinking to herself "okay, tight, crampy space where I happen to pee where I sleep or being surrounded by loud, overbearing, obnoxious crazies...hmmm yeah I'm just gonna ride this uterus thing out, see where it takes me." I don't blame her. I'm gonna be pregnant forever.

So I went to the doctor yesterday. I was feeling pretty good and happy. Thought it was the beginning of a lovely day. They weighed me and of course I lost 5 more pounds. I know they're aware of my weight lost but they don't address it. I go in for my cervical examination, when she checks me...she goes "OMG guess what!" and my eyes light up and I say "What?!" She says "you're progressing....not at all!" I think I stopped liking her right then and there. So no dilating. I had to get blood drawn again and of course I end up with a med student who's trying to find my veins and sticks me a good 4 times in my arms, wrists, and hands. I politely asked they get someone in there that knew what they were doing...please. I said please. After all that was done, they leave me in the room and come back and tell me my blood pressure is high and that I need to go get an ultrasound at a hospital across town to make sure the baby is doing fine. I oblige. First of all the wait for my ultrasound was unbearable. I had to wait for a good hour and a half, which is pretty long to me lol. I had my ultrasound done...oh SHE'S STILL A GIRL! lol So I had it done and they did a biophysical profile test which a fetus is supposed to score 8 out of 8 well my little fetus scored 4 out of 8. She flunked it. Anyway they call my doctor to let them know and my doctor calls me. "Ashley we need you to go to the hospital immediately for a NST...we might have to deliver you today. Don't go home, don't eat or drink anything just straight to the hospital." They said her fetal movements were decreasing. I told them she moves all the time. She's very active! The cervical exam I had earlier must have frightened her! The hospital they wanted me to go to was a good 30 minutes away but of course I go because I want to make sure everything is ok. I get to labor and delivery and dress in that unsexy hospital gown (lol) and get hooked up. No one told me a NST would take so long. Oh Rico was about to come down to be with me (I was a little surprised) but my mom reassured him that everything was fine. Needless to say, they said the baby's heart rate was good, my blood pressure had dropped, and she seemed to be moving around ok. They discharged me and I was able to go home and get some grub! So that was my adventure for yesterday!

The biggest update I've ever had the pleasure to type with only a couple of words! lol I'm a mommy! Read my birth story under my children's tab...check out my pics...I think I'm going to bed! Someone is slightly sleep deprived. It's funny the last time I write to you guys, I'm telling you how I'm going to get a NST. I'm gone a couple of days and come back with a baby...lol

Thursday March 13, 2008

I'm gonna have to delete some of my entries soon. =( Anywho...Makenzie had a doctor's appointment today. She's visiting the same pediatrician I had when I was a tot. So he's like 90 years old. *sigh* I've been so tired lately so I haven't been too pleasant to be around. At the doc's I'm sure I seemed to have a bit of an attitude. That damn nurse pissed me off with her little jokes that I didn't find humorous! I went with my mom and we were sitting in the room waiting on her to come and she walks in and looks at me holding Kenzie lookin like I haven't slept in weeks...which I guess is true lol and she looks at my mom and goes "Hmmm now which one is the new young mommy!?' And my mom is grinning ear to ear and she says "She's the mommy! I'm the granny!!" And a back and forth conversation begins. "Whatttt you're the grandma?! You look so young, I thought you were the mommy." Bitch... She even brings in more people to compare the both of us and ask who they felt was the mommy of Makenzie since my mom looks sooooo young. I was rolling my eyes all up in that room. I'm a 21 year old and it ticks me off when people mistake me to be my mother's mother! She's 50! Thankyou I feel so much better now! I just had a baby and I'm not feeling my sexy self already so that helped alot! My bad day didn't end there. I'm sitting on the couch listening to this old obnoxious woman who hasn't had a baby in 80 years tell me everything I was doing wrong. "put that sock back on her" "you're not holding her right" "you're not moving quick enough with the diaper" "cover her arms" "milk isn't warm enough" "dont let her look at herself in the mirror, she'll be cock-eyed" ahhhhh I just wanted to say "Look here old woman! I know you're my grandmother but damn I'm doing my best!" I'm so tired of unwanted advice it's not even funny. I had an outfit for her to wear for the appointment and my mom didn't think it was cute enough and thought she should wear something else so I got mad and threw my outfit across the room and said "Well fine!!! She's your baby anyway right mother?!? All I did was go through 9 months of carrying her and labor!" I'm slightly dramatic....

Hello mommies and mommies 2 be and TTC'ers! This is gonna be a bit of a different update because I'm actually gonna pour my little heart out and discuss my feelings and get all mushy with ya. But before we get to that I must tell you that Makenzie did the cutest thing today! She pooped on my face! So precious...I was changing her diaper and I dont have a changing table so I have to get down on her level and I guess she wasn't finished handling her business and she farted and poop just went flying. We both just smiled as I wiped green doo off the side of my face. Love her and the shit that comes with her! Sooo on to those feelings! Getting right to the point....no Rico has not seen Makenzie yet. Am I pissed? No. Am I hurt? No. Would I like for him to see her? Yes. Is he a bad person? Hell no. Today I'm just about to be real on this update so if I offend anyone with my language or attitude...my bad in advance. I'll give you the shortest background to why he has not that I can. *breathes* here goes: We all know I was induced, so that night he was not prepared financially to come see me. Rico is in college, Rico just started working again not too long ago, aka Rico is indeed one broke motha. I'm not making excuses but me being the person I am...I understood. By the way Rico didn't tell me this, his mom did. He told me something else because he was embarrassed according to her. It's been 24 days and he has still not come. Now I gave Rico 30 dollars for his probation officer bout a week ago cuz the negro simply did not have it. Yeah I know that's sad. But anyway he could not give the man a check sooo he got the money elsewhere and kept my check and cashed it because i told him to. I said "Now Rico do not spend my money on useless shit use it on towards trying to get here" he said ok and that was that. Gas money to get here would run him bout 200 coming and going. BUT a bus ticket is 40. All he needed was 10 more dollars and he could be here. So if he truly TRULY wanted to come, he'd make a way. But I'm not gonna curse him out because he's not making the effort I'd like him to make. He's hurting himself not me and not Kenzie...she will be ok and it took me awhile to realize that. As far as I know Rico and I are still a couple. We talk everyday and I send him emails filled with pictures of Kenzie every single day like he asks. I can't sit here and call Rico all types of punk bitches and assholes. I know he's not a bad guy and I'm not gonna rant and rave to people like he is. I'm a postive person and when I start being negative, it's not good for me or my daughter who looks just like him. He created Makenzie right along with me and for that I'll always love him. Alot of times I just smile and say f*ck it. My dad lived in the same city as me and didn't see me for the 1st six months of my life but I know my dad loves me and I love him and my mom never talked shit about my dad EVER. Not in front of me and not to anyone else. Some women including myself make babies with men they should NOT have made babies with and wonder why they're acting the way they do. If they weren't shit when it was just you two, they're probably not gonna be shit with a baby in the mix. Me and Rico weren't together very long before I got pregnant. We pretty much dated throughout my pregnancy so I definitely wasn't expecting a ring nor did I want one. I could be pissed about alot instead I'm more grateful than anything. I'm grateful that he's claiming her (I watch maury) I'm grateful that his family is attempting to help me financially take care of her and I'm grateful that he has not ran away. My situation could be way worse and more complicated. So no shit talking from me about Rico because that's who I chose to conceive a child with. Well not really 'chose' but you understand. He's on child support but not because I wanted him to be, I had to give him up for health insurance reasons. I dont think I'm stupid for not wanting to put him on child support. My feelings and my feelings only: I felt as though why make a grown ass man pay for his own child. If he doesn't wanna be a responsible parent then fine. I really don't need him or his money and I'm not gonna force him to do anything including see his child because it is HIS loss and he's missing out. Why should I call him everyday and ask him "when you coming" 100 times. Wasting my anytime minutes. Screw that. He'll end up feeling like shit in the end, I have no doubt about that. So I'm not worried =) So hopefully he comes around, maybe we can be a happy, normal family but if that dream does not come true...I will not be upset. I will continue to stay positive, stay confident, love myself and my child and make the best family for her that I can. With or without him. It may not be the "normal" family but it'll be filled with love, strength, and GOD. We can't go wrong. So ladies, don't worry about him if he's being a dick. Dust it off...either he comes around or he doesn't but don't stress it. You're still the apple of someone's eye! And they usually end up calling you mommy! Peace!