For those of you who knew me, I am sorry for doing this but I will no longer be returning to this web site. I am devestated and destroyed. I have NEVER questioned why the things that happened to me happened, I have never said It's Not Fair. But, now I am. WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME! IT'S NOT FAIR. I live 2 hours away from the city that was ranked #5 most violent city's in the United States. In that city there are women running around with needles hanging out of there arms with 20 healthy children by 20 different men. I have never slept around, or have done a drug in my life. IT'S NOT FAIR, that my husband and I are going though this.

6.28.2007- Found out I was pregnant, have had 5 miscarriages with no live births.

7.1.2007- Considered high risk due to history of miscarriages and Graves' Disease.

8.23.2007- Had an u/s baby was completely healthy, strong heart rate no forseeable problems.

10.2.2007- Taken to trama unit due to liver failure (I thought I had the flu)

10.3.2007- Found out liver failure was caused by the medication I was taking for the Graves' Disease

10.3.2007- Was transferred to a transplant hospital.

10.4.2007- Was told that there was a 10% chance baby would survive liver transplant surgery.

10.12.2007- Doctors decided to remove my thyroid rather then do a liver transplant because I begged them to find an alternative. 90% chance baby would live through thyroid surgery.

10.18.2007- Had thyroid removed in 6 hour surgery. Baby survived ansthesia and surgery!

10.22.2007- Finally released from hospital, baby doing fine!

11.12.2007- Had an u/s found calcification in baby's intestines. Was told it more then likely happened during surgery due to fluctuating blood pressure. Damaged area could be removed after birth, baby would have no lasting effects. OR 10% change it is a virus called CMV. Had bloodwork.

11.19.2007- Bloodwork came back positive for CMV

11.20.2007- Repeat bloodwork for CMV

12.3.2007- I picked up my 1 1/2 year old cat "Jake" to put him in his cat carrier to take him to the vet and he died in my arms. Jake was my best friend.

12.6.2007- Again came back positive for CMV

12.6.2007- Found out that more then likely I contracted the virus while in the hospital for liver failure. Immune system was already severely weakened. Passed the virus to the baby. Calcification is being caused by CMV. 80% chance that Autumn will be die either right before birth or right after birth. 80% chance that IF she lives she will be severely retarded, blind, deaf or all of the above. There is a 20% chance that she will be healthy. She will be born via C-Section at 36 weeks. I'll be 27 weeks tomorrow. We have been on the SHITTY end of every stastic so far.

Have we not been through enough?

Sometime during this nightmare I sat down and spoke openly with my husband. I told him that I was having a hard time accepting the fact that our daughter might not be "normal". I have reasons for this. Autumn is VERY active. Her days of rolling, jumping, kicking and punching out weigh the days that she is quiet. I'd say 5 days out of a week she is doing her thing trying to stick elbows through my belly button (or knee's, she's breech) and only 2 days of being laid back and low-key. My last ultrasound showed that she is growing very nicely weighing in at 2 lbs 3 ozs. The calcifications in her intestines have stayed exactly the same, they are not "growing with her". Also, it's my belief that she is to responsive to not be "normal". Autumn responds to sound. We have a very large dog, with a very large bark. She moves everytime he barks. Autumn WILL NOT move for anyone besides my husband and myself. I know that if I put my hand on the left side of my belly button she will kick or punch my hand. My sister-in-law has sat (against my will) with her hands on my belly for 20-30 minutes at a time and Autumn WILL NOT budge. When the doctors try to do the fetal heart moniter she avoids the probe like the plague. Everytime they get her heart beat she moves. She's just like me does not like to be touched, poked or prodded. Call it wishful thinking, but I think she is just too responsive to have something wrong with her.

I am experiencing some pretty raw emotions lately. I want to cry everytime I feel Autumn move. I want to cry at the very thought of holding her and hugging her and kissing her. I just want the rest of the pregnancy to be flawless beings I have not had it easy at all. I have a very strong feeling I will have her in about 5 or 6 weeks. But you never know. I just want to have her here with me! I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous....but...I'm ready!