Hi, All

I continue to alter my page. This time I am aiming to make it interesting, we'll see how it turns out. I am 31 years old, experiencing my 3rd pregnancy. My daughter who was born June 19, 2002 was a stillborn is now my heavenly angel.

I found out I was pregnant at the end of August 2007 and on October 14 found that the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. I should have been 11 weeks and some days when I got that news.

I was devastated on top of depressed. But through it all I continued to trust in God. It's amazing how in our darkest hours we can find a reason to smile. That's the power of prayer.

We planned on getting married on May 10 this year, but not knowing the last pregnancy would end we decided to do it sooner. So We married on November 9,2007.

I am happy to announce that on March 8, 2008 I learned that I am again pregnant and just as excited if not more.

It's funny because. I would be 39 weeks now which would have been impossible to have a wedding in May. This time I am due 4 days after our 1 year anniversary. What a gift!!

10 weeks-
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My body obviously has a different idea of what morning sickness is. I feel nauseous, but when I run to the bathroom I find myself sitting on the toilet instead of kneeling over it. The boobs are doing their thing. The skin is going through a crisis. The belly is doing what bellies do. The husband is catching hell. Taco Bell and Krystals is getting their fair share of our income. And best of all... I am thankful for the opportunity at a chance to be somebody's mommy and I am already planning baby #2. Which is subject to change once labor and delivery have come and gone.

4/24/2008

My appointment is tomorrow. And I was fine about it until a day or so ago. Sometimes I am afraid and others I am just fine. I've noticed that when I think about it, it feels like my air becomes restricted- does that spell anxiety disorder? I'm like..." what if...,what if..., what if...". I really need to learn to relax. My appt is at 0830 so I won't have to wait all day to be seen. There are 1,000,000 scenarios flying through my mind. I think about this saying- IF YOU PRAY ABOUT IT, DONT WORRY. IF YOU WORRY ABOUT IT,DON'T PRAY

week 11

I am beginning to think this rash I've adopted is eczema. It's in my right arm pit, on my chin and just about in the crack of my a**.

I have 3 appointments in May. 1- blood pressure check ( I can do that at home)2- ultrasound and 3rd- reg visit. I've gained so much weight I should be kicked out of the Country. A dear friend of mine (clears her throat) seems to think I am going to have a boy. I'm willing to wager a bet that she's wrong wrong wrong:)

4/29/08

Well, as my life would have it, I slept until 6:30 this evening, got up to pee and when I wiped, there is a trace of blood. It was pink, so I jumped in the shower and went back and forth about whether to go on to the ER or just call my Doc. I went to the hospital, trying to to take any chances. Got there, got put into a room right away and had the pelvic exam-no blood & cervix still closed. No UTI and blood work came back normal except the most important of them all...HCG. It's extremely low (2025). I have an appt @ 0830 tomorrow, but I have already accepted that it's not going to happen this time either. If you had a chance to read about my last miscarriage, you might have gathered that I'm not to good at hanging onto to false hope. I am expecting the appt to just confirm what I already know and come on back home so can deal with it. This does not get easier. It makes me bitter, and angry to say the least. I was really expecting this pregnancy to go smoothe-so much for what I want eh

4/30/2008- ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE

If I were still pregnant with the last baby, my due date would have been April 28 or May 1st (they changed it twice). How is it that I am having a miscarriage around the same time.

I am ANGRY!!!. I am angry because my husband lives in denial so he took his black ass to work today. So guess what? I had to go through counsel by my damn self. Let me back up denial or no denial-He went to work! point blank.

He says he loves me. Is it the kind of love one has for thy neighbor because he sure in hell isn't loving me like I am his better half. Does he know HOW to love me? I think if he did I wouldn't be going through this by myself- no excuses

"...He will never leave nor forsake you...". Faith the size of a mustard seed? I thought I had that.

I am mad at the world so please excuse my bitterness- I just don't know how else to feel

Saturday May3

I'm not mad at the world anymore, I am unusually happy for the most part. Can you say DARVOCET? I had the D&C done on Thursday, went to CVS...got my pain pills then to Moe's for a quesadilla. After the surgery I read a paper that said do not sign any important papers or make important decisions for the next 24 hrs. Well, my 3 year old nephew called later that evening to thank me for the tv and vcr. They said I was trying to give all kinds if sh*t away. I put the tv away from him, but I don't even remember a vcr.

Today is the first I've been awake for more than 30 minutes. I think I used the pills to sleep through reality, but I must say I am doing pretty well.

I keep rushing to the restroom expecting massive clots...not this time. If I knew then what I know today!! All I rememeber is warm blankets and someone whispering, "you go on and have a nice dream now" and waking up crying. I'll have to post a picture to show the difference, no more bloat.

My Dr says we have a lot to discuss at my next appt. We'll see what kind of tests he's talking about. One Doc mentioned chromosomes testing. I think the problem is going to be with me moreso than with my husband. My first pregnancy was with my ex-fiance, but we'll see what he's talking about.

Thank you everybody who showed sympathy and concern. It really gets a girl through some rough times.

I have to say as I had already mentioned this to someone else. Walter is really sweet, he's a great provider and I know he loves me. I also know that he does not know how to be there for me emotionally. It was true when I was angry and and it still true today, it's one of his flaws so I can't be mad at him for who he is. trust me, he is perfectly fine with me running my mouth to you guys and over the phone- I think it takes some of the pressure off of him.

Who knows, maybe I will b e back soon. All I can say is What God has for me is for me. So maybe It will happen and then again maybe it won't. Whatever his will is and in his own time.

You can't rush God- I got a third party message the other day from a believer and she said the miracle of taking something the size of a pin head and making it a living breathing person can not be the work of anyone but God. So, whatever the Dr say is one thing, but conception is all God! ( or thats the just of it, not an exact quote). It makes perfect sense because you see women all the time saying the "Dr said we would never concieve" and they have healthy babies. I'm not trying to persuade anybody, I'm just saying..even with losing 3 babies, I still trust the Lord and I know when the time is right...it'll happen

thanks everybody!!

5/15/08- THE APPOINTMENT

Had a talk with the Dr and he gave his recommendations, we listened. Decided today to have the genetic testing. It's pretty costly and not guaranteed to be covered by blue cross. I don't worry too too much, I have a bit saved up for our cruise and if I have to use it, so be it. I also had a hysteroscopy scheduled for next week...My luck, it'll be rescheduled. And will have some other culture done and we'll see rom there. He did point out that if the problem is genetic, there's nothing that can be done and the probability is different for each person. So, all we have to do is not get pregnant between now and then which is the farthest thing from my mind!