birthmothernikkole's profile

birthmothernikkole
	Age: 21 Country: US Province/region: Pennsylvania City: Pottstown Partner: Brandon Children: Yes, 1 Pregnant: No Occupation: College Student
	Online: 2 days ago. Last updated: 2 days ago. Member since: 244 days
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A little man's hiccup!!

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Hello! Well, my name is Nikkole (o: I'm 21 years old and a Senior at Elizabethtown College. I'm a Social Work major and proud of it!! My boyfriend (the baby's daddy),aka Brandon and I have been together since my freshman year in college (02/17/06).

Things back home have always been bad, so I moved out the summer of '06 and actually moved in with Brandon and his family. I don't speak to my family (mother's side or step father's side)--other than my birth father (and that side of my family) who I just have reconnected with since I turned 18.

I was actually on birth control pills when I conceived, but everything happens for a reason, so here we are. Sadly, we are in no shape to truly support our baby. Although I would love to keep him, and REALLY wish I could, it is smarter to allow them to have a better life with people who have the ability to provide everything he. I opted out of the abortion route--which my boyfriend initially thought of--and I have decided to have an open adoption. (Personally, I need to have it open. I need to make sure I picked the right family, that my baby is safe/happy/loved.)

I had started this site while I was still pregnant and am going to continue using it though I am no longer. I gave birth to a PERFECT baby boy on May 20th, 2008 and as I have mentioned above, we have opted for an open adoption. I will be trying my best to update my journal on here as much as I can--for both Brandon and I, our baby boy, others thinking about adoption or going through adoption and even for those that are ignorant about adoption.

I would just like to say first of all that just because birth parents are doing adoption over keeping their baby does NOT mean they don't love the little one. We love our babies just as much as you all love yours. Adoption is our way of NOT being selfish on all ends--for the children, for ourselves and also for the adoptive families. I feel it would have been selfish to keep him to myself. Selfish because I would want him but couldn't give him EVERY opportunity and all my time. It would be Selfish to not think about a family that cannot have children and my keeping him over being able to provide a family for them. Selfish to myself to keep him when I'm not ready for a family and not ready to to all this I don't want to hold myself back, him back, or the family back.

Please treat people doing adoptions with love and care. We grieve too. Thank you!

http://adoptionsfromtheheart.org/

A few things I read in one of the books my AMAZING Social Worker gave me called 'Given in Love'.

-To remember is painful. To forget is impossible.

-There will probably be times when you need to let your tears flow. Crying is not breaking down, it's breaking into tears. Crying is a gentle melting. Don't hold your tears back if you need to cry. Don't be afraid that if you start to cry you won't stop.

http://rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm <--I remember my mother reading this to my brother... and it's what I have been saying to Ryllie since we were in the hospital together. I love you little man. MWAH!

My first few moments with Ryllie Julian Painter

Ryllie's first bath

Just chillin' with Mommy

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winnowillr - Sunday, 18 May
Wow, was I tired this afternoon!! I spent the morning at the hospital getting poked and prodded, but am home now. They did a contraction stress test and ultrasound on me. Baby seems to be faring well! Heartrate stayed even during contractions, and there's plenty of fluid surrounding baby. So, they're leaving it in to "cook" a few more days. It was real hard to have the contractions started, then stopped!! We tried to talk doc into leaving the pitocin drip in, but he said he wouldn't unless there was a problem. He's talking about inducing Wednesday, through!! FINALLY! I'm getting answers!!!!
Are you still hanging in with us, girl? You're at your due date now, too!!!! Ok.. So you only have a few more days now if you want to beat me.... ;)

rditts - Sunday, 18 May
it must be so hard to give up your child. for me, it would be heart breaking to let him go after feeling him kick and hiccup inside of me for so long. my fianc� and i have very little money yet don't qualify for any public assistance. but we have love for our child, and that will be good enough for us.

i am really happy that you want to give up your child, rather than abortion. i hope the best for you!

Stacemingas - Sunday, 18 May
I am a Student Finance Planner at a college (Financial Aid) so I know all about the dependency status. Hit me up and I can answer any questions that you may have . There are ways around it. :)

winnowillr - Saturday, 17 May
I'm glad people around you are finally being supportive! It must be a big relief to you. I'm sure the people who make those comments are just curious, and don't think about how it may affect our emotions.
You're so lucky Brandon will talk about how he will miss Ryllie. Eric still won't talk about his emotions. I know it's his way of coping, but it makes it hard for me. Although, the further along I get, the more he notices... Hahaha!!! He never talked to baby before, but now he keeps shouting to my tummy, "Move towards the light!". He's even patted my tummy a few times this past week. I think he's getting as anxious as I am.
Three years sounds like a good timeframe for thinking about having a baby of your own! That will give you and Brandon time to work on education and being financially stable. Do you have a date planned for the wedding yet?
I am going to get LOTS of pictures of baby at the hospital! LOL! I have my camera, my mother is bringing a Polaroid so I will have instant shots for the kids to take to school, and my pregnancy counselor is going to take some for us, also. The adoptive family is also going to order a package of the professional photos for us, since we don't have the extra money.
As each moment goes on, I am gettting more and more anxious.... Just come on already, kiddo!!! Everybody's ready!!

winnowillr - Saturday, 17 May
I am now is week 41... ARRRGGHHH!!!! No changes.
Don't you hate it when people don't show confidence? "Are you going to be able to go through with it?!" They just don't understand. It's going to be hard, but also joyful to know we helped create a family for someone who otherwise would not have that opportunity.. Stand tall and take pride in your decision! We can do this!!

cali.momma - Saturday, 17 May
do you have a gut feeling about what day you will go? ahh im so excited to see pics of him :D

allboyson19th - Saturday, 17 May
hey i haven't talked to you in a while jut wondering how you were doing it is so close did you find a family? is it getting harder for you? do you think your going to be able to go thru with it? seems so hard i know

cali.momma - Friday, 16 May
2 more days til dd!

winnowillr - Friday, 16 May
I hope it is soon for you, as I know the frustration of going over!! Today is 6 days overdue...sigh... Still no changes!
It does hurt when they check the cervix... OUCH is right! My Doc also said he wouldn't let me go over 1 week, but when the time actually comes, he goes and changes his mind! Men! LOL!
Do you know if the adoptive parents are going to change his name, or are they aware of and respecting your choice? I was just curious! I had a girl name picked out, but didn't even bring it up. Matt and Amy have had family names picked out for years, and I know it's important to them.
If you're on your feet a lot at work, you may want to make sure your boss knows you may need extra time off. Two weeks just doesn't seem like enough to me. Take it day by day, though, and listen to your body!! If you're still uncomfortable, don't go back until you get permission from a doctor. Just make sure to take care of yourself!! Yes, I'm being a "mom"... LOL!

winnowillr - Thursday, 15 May
What type of work do you do? Is two weeks recovery going to be enough? Most doctors recomend 6 weeks. Has your doc said anything about inducing if you end up late? Some will do it right away, but others like to wait until 2 weeks overdue.
Still no more progress with me... Contractions will get regular for a few hours then STOP... Then the whole proccess starts again. Also having bad cramps (constant) in my lower back, and am sooo sick to my stomach that I can't hold much down. So, not eating right is affecting my sugar levels... Sigh.. Does it get any better than this? ;)
Is your pregnancy support person going to be there for you after the birth to talk about your emotions and help you through the grieving proccess? Mine said she will be there for me as long as I need her. I still don't know how I'm going to handle all this afterwards. I know this is terrible, but I keep imagining myself just giving up the will to live. I know that's not an option, though, as my other children need me....
When is Brandon going to be able to come and be with you? Or will he just come when your labor starts? I pray he'll be able to make it there for you!

winnowillr - Wednesday, 14 May
The bleeding was thin and watery and red, like a normal period type blood. But now it has thickened into mucus and is brown. Yuck!!!
Contractions irregular, I'm thinking this may just be false alarm... sigh... I am cramping real bad in my lower back. It's a constant cramp, though. It doesn't come in waves like the contractions do. Enough is enough!!

winnowillr - Wednesday, 14 May
I think I may be in early labor.... Was dialated to 3 at my appointment. I was bleeding last night, which I never had happen with my others! I called the hospital, and was told I may be dialating further. Am having cramping in my lower back, and some of my BH contraction (are they BH??) are getting stronger.... I hate not knowing!!! Eric's at work. I don't want to call him if it's just a false alarm.

*Haiden Elizabeth and Delilah Roses Mommy* - Wednesday, 14 May
hey hunn
what if wehn you deliver you deside you cant let him go..
you say u will now but have you thought maybe u might change ur mind???
i really hope u keep him but its your choice really! GOOD LUCK

sweetlemon53 - Tuesday, 13 May
I saw your post from awhile back on the adoption page, I myself have had such a hard time TTC that I am starting to look into trying to adopt a baby. I am from SC is there anywhere you would recommend looking ect...

winnowillr - Tuesday, 13 May
Just think, another month or so and you'll be able to go to the bar and have a real drink... :) I'm glad your friends were able to take you out. I'm not a drinker, but still enjoy going out once in a while just to laugh at everyone else!
I did have a good Mother's Day. I was teased something terrible at church since I'm overdue! Friendly teasing, though. :) I got some beautiful roses to plant outside, and Isaiah planted a spider plant shoot for me in sunday school!
I have a doctor appointment this evening. I'm hoping they'll tell me something, ANYTHING to make this a bit easier... Dialation, induction, something!! So, wish me luck! I'll try not to hold my breath, though.. LOL!
Keep me updated on your progress, girl! This is the point where anxiety, fear, excitement, and all the emotions rush in at once!

cali.momma - Monday, 12 May
the thing about trying to induce yourself, is you have to keep doing it. like if you did eat spicy food, youd have to eat it about every 4 hours. and sex every 4 hrs. and castor oil every 4 hours [[but dont do that lol]].

i have an appt next monday, and its not with my doc. she bettttter check me! ill be sooo pissed

winnowillr - Monday, 12 May
2 days overdue now.... Enough is enough!!! How are you holding up?? I hope your birthday was a happy one!!!!

cali.momma - Monday, 12 May
where are you at now with dilation and effacement??

cali.momma - Sunday, 11 May
stilllll no ryllie???

winnowillr - Friday, 9 May
www.openadoptioninsight.org/birth_mother.htm
There's the website that will give you information on Birth Mother's Day... It was really neat to read! I cried, but it was a good cry....
That's awesome that all the little rememberances from the hospital will be yours! We are having 2 birth certificates with footprints made up, but never even thought of the little things like who gets the baby hat and stuff.... I was thinking of getting a white recieving blanket and having the footprints placed in a corner, so I had something I could hold when I think of the little pumpkin.
I'm glad she suggested finding someone else going through the same thing... It really has been helpful to have you to talk to! It's nice to know we're not alone, isn't it? And just think, without this site, we would both have felt so alone.
Went to the doctor today, and NO CHANGES!!!! I'm getting so frustrated and disapointed. I actually had tears in my eyes when the doctor left the room. I know you understand... I love this child, but am more than ready to have it over with. I've had enough of the aches and pains and the pressure and cramps... Sleep is the only relief I get anymore!
Well, hun, you take care.... It will be a bumpy road, but we will both get through this!
-Winnie

Mommy2twogreatkids - Thursday, 8 May
Thank you hun, I cried reading your comment. I can tell how much you honestly love him. Keep your head held high and rejoice in the fact you will still get to see him, touch him, and know him in some form. You are so blessed and I know he will continue to bless you in the years ahead.

cali.momma - Thursday, 8 May
ugh i HATE you!! hah. ive wanted to go bowling the past month or so, but no one wants to go with me! and im definately NOT going on my own. im not lame like that ahah.

i go tomorrow to the doctors :[ i hate going. when i think about the doctors, i cry now. i dont know why. i think im going insane or something lol. like sitting here thinking about it makes my stomach hurt :/

cali.momma - Thursday, 8 May
heyy. hows everything holding up over there?

winnowillr - Wednesday, 7 May
Doc says he won't let me go over a week overdue because of the GD, but we'll see. He doesn't like to do inductions unless it's last resort. All my other kids were 2 weeks overdue, so I'm feeling discouraged. I see the doc tomorrow, so hopefully will find out more.
I'm getting really hormonal and cranky and irritable and scared... I just want to lock myself in the bedroom and tell everyone to just go away. I never remember feeling like this before.... I just hope it's over soon!
Well, girl, you have yourself a very Happy Birthday!! And on Mother's Day, too!
I talked to my pregnancy counselor today, and she told me that May 10th is Birth Mother's Day... I never heard of this before. Did you know it even existed? She is supposed to send me paperwork on the history. May 10th is both my due date, AND the adoptive Mom's birthday, too. Wouldn't that be cool?
You take care, hun... Hopefully we'll be there soon.
-Winnie