Hi all !


Well after spending the last 6/7 years being traumatized by what can only be described as the worst pregnancy/ birth experience EVER I am faced with the dilemma that I might be preggers..


Don’t read on if you scare easy and please bear in mind that I am in the minority of woman who have such a terrible time.


With my first baby I was really young, really ashamed and just had the worst time of it, everything that could go wrong with me did.. up until 27 weeks you would never have been able to tell I had a wee baby growing inside me, I was tiny I was about 7stone 4 which is 102lbs.. at 28 weeks it all went wrong for me I woke up one morning and my womb had ‘tipped’ overnight


The baby was fine and dandy inside me but I had the worst time ever I developed PUPPPS from 28 weeks and spent the rest of my time in cold baths rubbing cream on, crying and being hysterical scrubbing my skin and basically wishing I was dead. Its sounds so pathetic that being itchy would cause this but try being itchy neck to ankle 24 hours a day. the pics on the internet do not show the extent to the suffering had.. And believe it or not I only found out the other day it was this PUPPPS.

That wasn’t the worst of it tho my skin all split open with my 47 inch belly these were not just stretch marks these were bleeding tears in my skin, there was physically no space in my tiny ruined body for this baby to grow.


Then at about 36 weeks my liver started to fail and between that the itching and the undiagnosed diabetes my depression was horrendous.


The birth I experienced was terrible – totally no excuse for what the butchers at the hospital put me through – I would have been better being left in a field to die. With a epidural that did not work and after being injected with a local anesthetic that did not work I was put through a horrific forceps delivery that involved me being held down on a bed by four nurses while they tore my baby out of me. With every pull on his head I slid down the bed and had to be dragged into place.. his head was stuck inside me so they pulled on it for over an hour..i thought if I didn’t die first the babys head was sure to come off.. finally the head was delivered and his shoulders were stuck another three nurses were screamed at to come in the room and my legs were pinned back over my head I still had the other nurses holding me down and my baby was ‘born’


Ive never seen a midwife pale so quickly when they realized how big this baby was. My pelvis was broken and most on my insides were not quite inside my body. We started along the complaints procedure with the hospital but my partner at the time as happy with his son and didn’t really care that I was so damaged both physically and mentally.. I floated along on a wave of antidepressants for a few years got married came of the tablets and reality kicked in. so I moved home to my parents to start again


So nearly seven years on I can now look at pregnant people again.i can now feel happy for people who tell me they are expecting. My insides are not fully healed and I was offered further internal reconstruction if I so wanted. I do feel I am mentally healed now. I love my son he was a perfect baby and is a perfect child - I was just so so ill after having him and although I cared deeply for him I cant say I loved him properly until I was off the anti’d’s and could think straight…. I have always been terrified about the fact I might never have more children. I saw this website after my friend became pregnant and I think all the positivety about the experience has rubbed off on me. If I am pregnant I want to feel happy about it I want to be proud I can make a person in my tummy. I hope lightening doesn’t strike twice for me, and I also want to apologise for this post to all those people that are having their first baby, that are struggling to conceive and those who may not conceive. This is just the other side of the story, and although I am grateful that I had a huge healthy baby in the end for me at the same time I grieve for the experience that I did not have. You only have your first baby once and it really was just not a good time for me.. sorry for scaring you but that is my story.

god it sounds so depressing but i feel so so much better now!

Friday, 22 Feb

Monday, 25 Feb