March 10, 2008

Yesterday night I broke down..I just don't know how to handle things anymore and to bring another child into this caotic world i so called live in is just the stupidest thing in the world but its a little too late now..first i am cleaning out my room that me and my daughter share at my grandparents house which is like 300yrs old and i am not lying either its really 300yrs maybe even older than that..but anyways...so i am trying to straighten out everything so i have room to fit another baby in..it was bedtime for my daughter but she was not trying to have that she wanted to be with her mommy i believe she can sense when i am feeling down..i really want to get my own place but it cost too much to live in the hamptons especially when it is spring time all the RICH CITY people come out and buy these fucking houses and turn them into masions and leave us low income families who lived here all they life and bust thier ass to make a dollar in this town out to dry..basically its too much money right now. so i am stuck in this old ass house with 2 kids in one room..my daughter won't let me clean so i can go to bed and then the phone rings...but its the one person i love to speak to everyday..the love of my life, the one i share one beautiful daughter and soon to be handsome son with..but the bad part about it is that he's in jail..he has about 7months left to serve and won't be home anytime soon..now when i talk to him i like to be in peace but then my older sister comes barging in my room trying to see my daughter..and its sleepy night night time and she just doesn't understand..not to mention i really do not like her at this point in my life and of course my clothes has to be out on the bed for her to look at and here comes the questions..can i borrow that..no you can't!!..why you can't fit them now so let me get them?..mind you they are brand new pants not yet worn..so i walk out the room because i am on the phone trying to talk to my boo. why the hell did i do that my daughter starts screaming i am getting frustrated my baby daddy is yelling at me to get back in the room because he knows my sister like to take things with out people knowing..my question is for her why the hell you always over here if i had my own place i sure won't be where i'm at i will be at home..but back to the drama so now i am back in the room olivias crying, my sister is snooping and my BD is calling me dumb because i left my sister in the room..at that point i was done. my emotions kicked in like you wouldn't believe i was crying and i mean the crying when you try to speak and you can't..and supid ass on the phone doesn't understand why i am crying he thinks its because i don't want to clean the room..which is not it..so i spent my entire night explaning to him why i was so upset..which made him upset because he can't be home to help me out or comfort me which tells me he is changing and hopefully is really starting to catch on to what love is..but i still am upset because he is so far away from me..then i hve my family who try to help me but make it even worse..so i am crying and upset and my mom trys to take my daughter so she doesn't have to listen to me cry and i flip on her because everytime she does that i hear my grandparents talking shit saying that when BD calls i neglect my daughter and what not and how he is such a bad person cuz he makes me cry..if only they knew the real reason..and how he controls me from jail and basically saying how i am a bad parent..now i can just imagine what they say now that i am bout to have two children with him...oh yeah and they don't realize that they add fuel to my fire because they always tell me when, how and what i do with my daughter.. talking about someone controlling my life boy do they controll my life..and i do what they say out of respect but where do you draw the line????

April 23, 2008

I haven't updated in a while so i thought now would be the perfect time. I am in 30weeks and boy am i excited. 9 more weeks to go!! My situation at home is a little better but i am still missing my baby daddy!! He just got back into the shock program and will do 6 months and be home October 2nd (thats only if he don't fuck up). I took a bus up to see him to give him the strength to get through it and let him know that i was there for him but it just tore me apart to see him and not be able to take him home to his family. It was an 8 hour ride so his mother kept my daughter overnight. in the visit you can't hold hands touch no nothing. one hug and kiss at the begining and at the end. thats was so fucked up i know the program is a disiplinary type boot camp but damn!! he was so happy to see me. i was so sad to leave but soon he will be home. Then on monday my feet were swollen real bad and i started to have pain in my lower stomach but i knew it wasn't contractions. my feet have never swollen before and my sister had toxemia when she was pregnant with my niece so i went to get checked out. the doctor said i was showing signs of pre-eclaimsia so to take it easy and lay on my left side to help my heart do its job. then the next day in the morning the swelling went away but then came back in the afternoon. i hope everything is ok. but let me end right here i will update soon.

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June 17 2008

Hello Ladies I kind of figured it was time for an update. Not much really going on except the usuall pregnancy complaints up all night long pains in my tummy, tired all day, feet swelling, back hurting. Like i said nothing but your normal end of pregnancy complaints i hope all of you are doing great. LABOR DUST to all my friends and mothers to be!!!!