More....

11/08/2007: I go for my first IUI tomorrow. I get all nervous when I think about it. I want this so bad- as we all do. I am suppose to test on the 25th if no AF.

11/12/07: I have been trying to think positive all weekend, but I feel so bad. I feel like I am NEVER going to have a child of my own. We got me straightened out and now we are working on him. I just pray it works.

11/16/07: Well, I still dont feel like the IUI worked. I dont feel any symptoms or anything. I know it is still way early, but I just hope it did work. As I read about some having symptoms and then getting a BFN I think maybe if I did have any symptoms then I would just think it was me wanting it so badly. I test in 9 days if no AF.

11/17/07: 8 more days until I test. No symptoms, just lots of prayers.

11/19/07: 6 more days until I test.

11/20/07: 5 days until I test. I am going crazy.

11/21/07: I tested this morning. Got a BFN. I know it is early, but I just had to. If no AF, I will test again in 4 days.

11/27/07: BFN!! I am kind of sad, but not surprised. We are not gonna stop BDing in December, but no IUI. He goes to the doctor in December so we will wait and see what they say before we try the IUI again.

11/30/2007: Well, AF came during the night. So I am back to week 1. I am now trying to decide if we should go ahead and try again and pray really hard that his count is good this month or if we shoudl wait until he goes to the doctor. He said we should go for it. If when I take the sample in and if it is low again then we could opt to wait and not do the procedure. I think we are going to go for it and hope for a Christmas miracle. I have two days to decide.

12/2/07: We are gonna go for it. Took first dose of clomid tonight.

12/10/07: Hyperstimulated ovary. Can not do IUI this month. DH scheduled an appointment to have count checked.

12/24/07: Sent sample in to see how good the swimmers are. Get results back ont he 8th of January.

1/8/08: Results not good. Only 26 million with 30% mobility. Wanted to send us to a specialist. DH didn't want to go. Then we discussed donor sperm and he said "I dont want to raise someone else's child. I would rather adopt first." What was he thinking when he said that?! Is he saying if he cant be the father than I cant be the mother? He then tried to say that is not what he meant, but he could not explain what he did mean. He actually told the doctor if it is meant to be then it will happen. I almost got up and walked out. I am so sad right now. All I want is to have a baby. Adoption is great and I would so do it, but I dont think my DH will ever do it. So I guess I will be childless for the rest of my life. I guess it is time to accept that fact and move on with life.

1/9/08: Making plans to talk to my DH about our options. Got to do this carefully with lots of love and nothing that sounds like judgement.

1/11/08: There seems to be a strange energy between DH and I. I dont know what it is and I dont like it. I want the relationship we had back. I know they say you cant go back, but I do feel we can grow stronger. I will be working on my relationship for now. No attempts at baby making.

1/13/08: It has only been two days and already it feels like the stress level is so much lower. My DH and I are enjoying each other and there is not a lot of tension between the two of us. I dont feel like we are back to where we were, but instead I feel like we have anew connection. We seem closer and a bit stronger than before. We planned a nice trip for our anniversary in May and I am looking forward to that. When we start trying again I hope this experience will teach us not to let it all get to us. We want TTC to be fun and not a big ball of stress.

1/14/08: Going to the doctor in a few hours to see how my ovary is doing. I am going to discuss not continuing the fertility treatments for a few months. I know he will tell me we need to continue due to my age, but I am only 31 and I dont see where 3 months is going to hurt. I ordered FertilAid and I want to try it and see if it will help with DH's motility and count. All prayers are welcomed and appreciated. I will still be online and keeping in touch. I will also be praying for each of you. **Baby Dust** to all. And as always thank each of you for all the love and support you have given me these past few days and weeks when things have seemed so bad.

2/14/08: Today is the day for lovers. I got the usual flowers and chocolate. Then I got an amazing gift. (Not a BFP, but still amazing to me). Let me forst say I love elephants. I collect figurines, and most anything with an elephant on it. Well, my DH must have thought it out good or something cause for Valentine's Day he adopted an elephant in my honor at the local zoo. How sweet was that?! All the money went to feeding and caring for the elephants. I cried cause it was so sweet.

2/18/08: I have not given up, I have decided some day there will be a child for me and my DH. I have even looked into adoption. Just because a child is from another womb does not mean he/she cant be in my heart. We are not currently able to continue on any fertility treatments cause of the ovarian cyst, but maybe one day soon we will be able to decide what we want to do next. I have another month on the pills and by then the cyst should be all gone. I go back to the doctor in a few weeks so we will also see then where we stand. We have discussed many options and IVF would be great, but we are on a budget, so we want to look into it and adoption. We know with adoption it is not biological but it is a baby 100% guarantee, but with IVF we might not get a baby. I believe there is a child God has picked for me and he will guide us to the right path to get to the child. I wish all of you good luck because I have read that a lot of you were BDing Valentine's Day. I hope around the first of March I start seeing lots of BFPs popping up.

4/11/08: Great News! No BFP, but we have taken the first steps to adoption. We have made some phone calls and set up some paperwork for us to fill out and we will be having a home study done and some inspections and I am soo excited. We are going to have a child. He/She may not be an infant when they arrive in our home, but he/she will be loved so much. Having a little person we can hold, love, and help mold into a wonderful adult is going to be like a dream come true. Christmas will finally be like it was when we were kids. Getting up early that morning to watch the surprise and delight on the little face. To hear a little voice say I love you mommy and daddy. Or to feel little arms and legs crawl across you in the middle of the night because they dont want to sleep alone. The panic of whats wrong when we hear a cough or see blood. The falls the scrapes the bike rides, trips to the zoo, the school reports, teaching him/her to drive, puberty, the adolescent arguments, buying the first car, seeing them graduate highschool then college, watching them get married and having a family of their own. I want it all and if we start from only a few months of age or at age 5, it will all be so worth it. I have so much love waiting for a child . I am so excited and scared and I just feel blessed that my DH has thought things through and decided he is willing to raise and love a child no matter adopted or natural conception.