Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. So far my baby is doing well, but I know anything can still happen. It has been an emotional roller coaster and I am so hyper and stressed, I've got no nerves left. Writing this will hopefully spiral me down a little.

On Saturday July 19 little Sarina entered my world almost 6 weeks early, a huge surprise. As I was asleep my water broke around 11:15 pm, went to the hospital (me in a huge panic, nothing ready) where I started having mild contractions about 20 min apart. I was given an internal in the ER to determine my water had indeed broke, was sent upstairs to a private room where within the next 4 hours my contractions went from 20 min to about 5 min (and very intense) apart. I wont go into the rest of the details for the rest of you who are still pregnant, but you pretty much know the deal! She greeted us at 5:45 am, It was a short yet traumatic labor. I still cant believe she's here, she was born a tiny 4 lb 6 oz. and went immediately to NICU, since has "graduated" to Special Care (the transitional room) and can breathe and eat on her own thankfully. She does forget to breathe sometimes and still has trouble regulating her temp, but is eating more than before. Her weight isn't going up though & she also has jaundice.

I drive to the hospital 2-3 times a day to feed and change her diaper, and the best part is just sitting there holding her. Its hard, I cry when I look at her & I tell her how sorry I am, that she is out here so tiny out here trying to survive, when she should still be inside me nice and warm growing properly. It's that part that makes me feel gutted, wondering what I did wrong to deliver her so early. I'm crying now as I write this. We've all been told that the kind of love you feel for your child is undescribable, and it's so cliche but true. Before I thought I could never love anything more than my husband, but now the love for my daughter makes me cry and I know I would truly shrivel up like ashes if I ever lost them.

Well here are some tidbits I'll share (to dry up my eyes too) - Epidural is itchy! I dont think this happens to everyone because I never heard anyone mention it before, but I got my epidural about 10 min. before I delivered, and the shot made me ITCH like crazy all over my body. I was scratching my legs, arms, stomach and especially my face. I was given benadryl which I should have never accepted - it did nothing for the itching, but it did make me feel very drugged and groggy, robbing me of the whole birth experience, because after the benadryl shot I could not keep my eyes open. I barely pushed her out and was fighting to stay awake while they were handing me my baby. On top of that I still had to be given more drugs because my placenta would not come out, and after 20 min of tugging at it the doctor had to do a D&C.

- While on the way to the hospital, my husband and I were still disagreeing on names! Here I was, hyperventilating because I was scared sh@tless knowing I was going to give birth, water gushing down my leg, and we still had not chosen a name. My daughter was born nameless, we had a few picked after family members but I just couldn't get used to them as first names. In the end I wanted her to have her own name. We decided on Sara, then finally the variation Sarina. It sounds nicer with our last name, and Laura is her middle name after her aunt whom I love dearly. This is after 2 sleepless nights worrying in the hospital, and asking the opinions of everyone there!

- I'm pumping my milk. The hospital sent me home with a machine which is so easy to use, but pumping hurts! I always heard that it's easier than breastfeeding, less painful, but I guess I am more sensitive than most. TMI - I knew my breasts would get bigger, but I never thought they would take on a totally different /size/shape/feeling than when I was pregnant! They are almost square, very dense like huge rocks and they HURT. I wonder if that gets worse or stays the same. I just hate them & I hate pumping, but of course I want her to have all the important antibodies & nutrients so I'll keep doing it. I miss my pregnant boobs, when they were a little bigger & still squishy LOL!

- For those of you not breastfeeding like me, after each time I bottle feed her my milk & burp her, I put her under my shirt for skin to skin contact and she falls asleep that way. There is nothing like it in the world! It is the most amazing feeling, and the nurses told me that skin to skin with Mom actually regulates their body temp - either raising it or lowering it - whereas the Dad is just a heater!! Nature is amazing.

- My husband is more of nazi than I am with the questions! He normally does very well under stress & pressure, I have never seen the poor thing so worried. And he hardly ever holds her, especially if he just came from work and hasn't changed his shirt - but also because he doesn't want to breathe on her or break her. Men are so funny. Your husbands & boyfriends will probably be the same, but then again maybe not since most of you will have big sturdy babies!

- I've put up a few pictures of my baby - and repeat offenders already know this but for first time moms - you can never imagine how your babies are just going to break your heart once you see them. Its even stronger than the love you have being pregnant, it makes your knees just buckle under you. I wish & pray you all carry healthy and as close to term as possible! xxxx