My name is Hollie and I have been married for almost 6 years to Teth. We got married in a little shot gun wedding when I was 18 and he was 19. Nine months later, the best oops ever happened and nine months later we had Jaxon Riley (4.5). That was a changing point for me and the best thing that ever happened. I have no idea where I would be if it wasn't for him. I decided to go to nursing school and started when he was 4 months old. I am a LPN now and working on my RN but that's later in the story. So we got pregnant again after I got out of school and had Conner Wade (would be 2). Sadly, our world fell apart when Conner passed away at 2 1/2 months. I don't want to get too sad on here because I know that our emotions are wild but it's good to talk about it. I was at work at the hospital on October 24, 2005 and got a call from our neighbor saying that they were bringing the baby in because he wasn't breathing. My heart just stopped. He was at home with my husband and my 2 year old and I couldn't even think of what could have happened. It is definitely one of those things that you think could never and would never happen to you. My husband said that they fell asleep on the couch (he was at one end and Conner at the other, we had never had any problems with doing that with our first and never really thought a whole lot about SIDS) and he woke up because my 2 year old woke up crying and then when he looked at Conner he knew something was wrong. He called 911 and tried CPR. They worked on him the whole way to the hospital and there for a while....I ran down to the ER and waited on them to get there. It was the most horrible moments of my life. I will never forget it and the way my baby looked. My whole family made it there and were waiting outside and I was insisting they not give up working on him. I still think to this day what if....what if I hadn't went to work that night, what if I had made them keep working on him....so many things go thru my mind. One of my nurse friends just looked at me and said Hollie, you got to let them stop, he's gone. And I knew she was right but that was my baby, how do you give up on your baby? We stayed for hours and hours and they finally had to give me and my husband Valium to calm us down and get us out of there. The autopsy said Interstitial Pneumonitis (if anyone has had this come back on an infant's autopsy please message me) I have done lots of research and find that in coincides with SIDS...pretty much another way of putting SIDS but I am still looking for more info. We were and still are devastated. All I can think about is what I did wrong and how I wasn't there enough and everything else you can think of. My family says I am crazy but I feel so guilty. I just feel like I did everything wrong but I think that is a normal reaction to losing someone so close. I know that everything happens for a reason and we serve a merciful God and he saved us all from more pain in the future. We will always remember, love and miss our little bear. Jaxon was only 2 when it happened and it was hard on him but we make Conner a part of our everyday life and hopefully when he is older his memories will still be fresh. I want anyone that has went through any kind of loss to know that life will get better and as bad as it sounds...life goes on. You leran to live with the pain you thought you could never get through. I just pray that I will make it to that beautiful place and home that my baby is making for me in the sky. I think sometimes that maybe that is the reason...to make sure we all live right and make it to him. But I also know that I'm not to lean on my own understanding and I am to trust in the Lord. One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Conner is my treasure and we will all be a family again someday.

We tried again in November 2006 but the pregnancy ended in M/C at 13 weeks, so we waited a little while and started trying the beginning of the summer with no luck which was a surprise because getting pregnant didn't seem to be a problem with us. Then we decided to wait because I got a letter of acceptance to the LPN-RN program I had applied to. So I started that class the end of August and got a BFP the end of September. We thought we were being very careful but there was this one day and as you all know it does only take once!! It's kinda cool though because I know exactly what day we made our newest prize! We are so happy. I am now in the 2nd semester of the very craxy and fast 3 semester program, work 40 hours a week as the school nurse and I'm 19+5 weeks pregnant!! I guess God's plan was the best one for me (as always) because it is all working out wonderful!!

If I could give any of you moms a bit of advice, it would be to take every moment and let it soak it. Don't take anything for granted. Having a child is the best blessing ever and like everything else, it's not promised. I have so many regrets but I look forward to the rest of this pregnancy and my new baby because for me it's going to be a time of bonding and healing. I am going to be off all summer and I'm never leaving my family's side. Even the "bad" parts are not really bad. I have been kind of sick this time but I didn't care. I would just smile and know that everything was going good as I was hugging the toilet. Congrat's to all and I should be posting more now that I now how!!!