Hi everyone, and thank you so much for visiting my page.

I am 19 years old and ever since i was a kid i wanted to be a mom, when i was little and played "house" with my friends or cousins i would always end up "pregnant" or just being the mom because that was my favorite part.

Well when i was 15 my dad died and he was the one that kept our family in line, so since my mom did nothing i started going out and drinking and smoking pot and having sex. then when i was 16 i got my first "real boyfriend" and i lost my V to him. i was on birth control, but one week i had messed up pretty bad on it and was late for my period that month so i thought i might be prego, i told my boyfriend that i had thought i was and he got scared, but then almost immediatly just really happy. he started rubben my belly and talking to my belly and we did not even know yet if i was pregnant or not. then when i fianlly got tested at the clinic it showed up negative. i was heart broken and really sad. so was my bf. so we decided that we wanted to get pregnant and that we were gunna try... so we did for about 8 months...nothing. but then -long story short- we ended up breaking up. and i immediately was dateing my current bf. i had told him i was on birth control, so we never used condoms and after 6 months i still was not pregnant. but i started feeling bad because i was really falling in love with him and i was trying to get pregnant without his consent. so i told him- he was pretty angry but he got over it and i have been on birth control ever since just in case. but at this point even though i am only 18 i really just want to have a baby, i mean i dont care about all those things you do when you are 18-25 because i have done enough of it and i am ready to start my life. or at least i feel like i am. i am also really worried that since i did not get pregnant after that long that i never will get pregnant.

I just really want everyone to gimme some advise and help me figure out everything

Should i talk to my boyfriend about how i am feeling?

Should i even be feeling this way?

Am i infertile or like what my family says "just lucky i didnt get pregnant"?

I just want to have my own baby in my hands, its not fair that 45 year olds and 11 year olds can get pregnant and i cant, and i just feel like crying everyday. and i dont want to see a negative pregnancy test ever again!

This all might sound a little crazy but i am a good person and a happy person just with an exception of all this.

I did not get to graduate high school (very long story dont want to type it all) but i am going to get my GED on aug 4th and then i am going to atten beauty school for about ten months and get hired strait from my school and then be entered into the work force so i do have things going for me. my boyfriend is 22 and will be 23 in december. he and i want to get married some day and have children ( he just doesnt wan tany until both him and i are financially ready) so i am pretty sure that will work out we have been together for a year now.

July 24th 2007

My mom was late for her period (shes 42) and so she thought that she might be pregnant and that made me really mad because i did not want my mom to be able to have any more kids if i could not. but it turned out that she wasnt. my older sis is pregnant and was in the clinic ready to get an abortion but then i left a text message that was really graffic and mean (i kinda felt bad) on her phone so just minutes before her abortion i talked her out of it. this made me feel good because she is 23 and has a 4 year old so to me she was just trying to take the easy way out and that wasnt right so now she is about 20 weeks or so with a baby girl that i got to name _jaden_ this makes me feel good too because if it werent for me she probably would never be born and never exist as a person. i in a weird way feel like she is mine. but i know that she isnt, i just so wish that she were.

August 8th 2007

I have not typing anything recently, sorry, but i have done alot of things since i was on here last. On the forth i took my GED test. I have not got my results back and wont get them for anouther 3 to 6 days, but i feel confident that i did good and passed but you never know, plus that history made me feel worried a little. hope all goes well though. that i means that i get to start beauty school soon i need to call the school and get more info about it. I am very excited that i am going to get to do that!

on another note. i was supposed to get my period over a month ago and still no sign of it at all. no cramps, no gooey feeling, nothing. But i have been craving food like mad. i have been eating chocolate like never before and waking up in the middle with food cravings! but i am not saying that cravings mean i am pregnant i think it is just because i quit smoking but it s ure is wild. i need to take a prego test and i probably will tomarrow at planned parenthood. I dont even know what i am hoping for, well yeah i do, i geuss its just something that is a guilty pleasure to want a possitive. i dont know if that made sense but it did to me! well i geuss i will get going now PS my food craving are taking a toll on my body now. i am getting fat. lol hey maybe that is a prego sign! HA FAT CHANCE!!!

***~Baby Dust~***

August 13th 2007

So anyway i found out my results for the GED test 2 days ago and i passed! awesome i am proud of my self. but on my other note i believe i have now missed either 2 or 3 periods i am not sure i dont count my days or anything. I took a test 6 days after my first missed period and i got a negative. but just yesterday i took anouther test. i was so sure it was negative but after looking at it real close i noticed a very faint line. now i must tell you that i have never missed 2 periods in a row before. (although my periods have never been regular) and i also have never had a super faint line before either. What do you all think about this. do you think that means i am pregnant or that i am not? I talked to my mother and she believes that would be a negative. i talked to my sis and she said she has no idea but that i should go to the doctor and get checked out.

SO please give me some input! i am anxious to know what you all have to say.

XoXoXoXo ~Baby Dust~

Aug 14th 2007

I made and appointment at planned parenthood for 1:50 and i got anxious and left a bit early and after eating i got to planned parenthood about an hour and a half early. i filled out a paper and then went to the bathroom and emptied my "sample" in a cup. i put my name on it and stuck it in the box and went out to the lobby. i sat there and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. i also had my fingers crossed for good luck. finally after what felt like forever a woman opened up the far door and called out my name. my heart began to gallop a little. so i followed the woman into a back room and we sat down. so then she said "so did to take a home pregnancy test?" and i told her that i had. she replied with "and it was possitive?" my heart really started racing then because she was really making it seem like i got a possitive. and i told her how i wasnt sure because the line was so faint that i did not even see it at first. so i was prepared to hear well, you are pregnant. but instead i heard, "okay let me go test your sample." i thought Oh no she didnt even test it yet!? so the woman was out of the room for about 20 minutes, or maybe i was just impatient, and the whole time i continued to pray and kept my fingers crossed. finally the moment was here she entered the room again. i opened my ears knowing that i was finally going to hear "Congradulations, you are pregnant." but instead i heard " well i am sorry to say, the test was negative." the woman talked and talked after that but i did not even hear her. i was just so hurt. i actually thought that for once i was finally pregnant. And then to top off my wonderfull day, on my way home i got pulled over and a speeding ticket. which really sucks because i just got one last month. so now i think that maybe god just doesnt want me to get pregnant and i just want to move on with my life, not that i wouldnt love to get pregnant still but i just want to quit trying for the impossible, if you know what i mean and in the meantime, i am still awaiting thte good ol' period, whom i have not seen in over two months. iand quite honestly i dont see any signs tha its is coming any time soon.

sorry for raining on this parade and i am sorry that this isnt a i am pregnant entry but maybe someday! have a great day.

~~~~*Baby Dust*~~~~

August 21st 2007

I have not had a cigarette in 1 month and 10 days- cool huh? so i started going to the gym this week ( i have gained alot of wieght since i quit smoking) and it was fun it made me feel more energetic and it was very good, on friday my little sister and i are going to attend the "laughter yoga" class and see what that is all about ,hopefully this all can help me to concieve, eating healthier and exercising and my quiting smoking, hopefully it will all just help me.

i still have not had a period and that is about 3 periods i have missed i have never missed like this before, i cant believe my test was negative! but thats okay i am sure i will get pregnant when the time is right. But the other day i could swear i was gunna start my period i felt the cramps coming on, i felt that gooey feeling inside my uterus and then fianlly a bit of pink discharge, i was starting... i put my tampon in and went to bed. but when i woke up the next morning and took it out there was just like three dots of pink, it was just a false alarm. but now i noticed when i do phisically straining things like jogging or having sex i start to get that feeling again ( the gooey uterus and the mini cramps) but then it goes away. but still no period. Planned Parenthood seemed to have no concern about my missed period ( times three) that is BS they dont wanna help me, they just want to make money, i geuss i need to see a real doctor maybe they will care and help me figure all of this out.

last night after john and i had sex he said, that felt like it was gunna get you pregnant (he doesnt know i want to) and so i asked him " what do you mean, physically or mentally?" and he said that he felt like that sperm was gunna get the egg in his mind but he said physically he felt it too. that is all so strange that he said that, because he has never said anything like that before. but then he also said ( directly following what he had said before) so hurry up and go get that stuff out of you. that hurt my feeling a little bit so when i layed back ing bed i said " you said that like me getting pregnant would be the worst thing in the world. and he said well we just cant do that right now, we arent ready enough. but the he paused and said, well it wouldnt that bad either. so i think that he want me to get pregnant too he is just afraid to tell me like i am afraid to tell him! crazy isnt it!

Aug 22nd 2007

In the past month and a half i have gotten 3 speeding tickets and i think that may mean the end of my licence. that sucks really bad. i hope i just have to pay a fine because i depend on having a licence, it is how i get to work and how i will be getting to school and just so mant things i need it for dang it! well i just need to vent a bit so i geuss everybody~ have a nice day.

Aug 27 2007

I am fianlly getting over AF so now i can begin the baby dancing again. somthing seems like mabye this is the month for me. that would be totally awesome if it were. and if i do get PG then that means i can put pictures of me and john and my doggy and my kitty and my puppy on here that would be sweet but until then you all will have to just wonder what i look like. lol. so thats all for now baby dust to all.

Aug 28th 2007

Okay so today i went to my old school to talk to my old techer because i was in need of guidance and i saw a very pregnant girl outside she could not have been much older than me. it made me really sad, just thinking that i may never got to be like that. i went inside and talked to my teacher about careers and all and we were talking about how i would love to be an obsterician gynocologist- OB/GYN and then she suggested to me that i could be a midwife instead. it requires less school and all then we went to talking about the pregnant girl outside and my teacher told be about how she (the prego girl) was due today! i am really sad why isnt that me! darn oh well love you all i just wanted to say that.

August 31 2007

so it is now the last day of the month and taht means we are that much close to halloween, thanksgiving (my fav), and christmas. so i think for halloween i am going to dress up like a pregnant girl. wouldnt that be sweet!? i would go and buy a wig and face moldings and maybe some glasses and of course the big ol' pregnant belly so i will look like sombody totally different who just happens to be pregnant sounds like fun to me! yippie okay girls ta ta for now have a great day and here is some ~*~*~*~Baby Dust ~*~*~*~ for you!

February 19th 2008

i have not been on here in a long time, and ALOT and i really mean ALOT has changed. i turned 19 on the 3rd of february and also my boyfriend and i decided to move to placerville in california, to start somewhat of a new life, a clean slat... refresh ourselfs, i would like to move there basically, to grow up, we chose placerville because that is where my boyfrineds brother lives so we wont be all alone in an unfamiliar place. Right now i live with my mom i work for my mom i take advantage of my mom, and i live almost completely off of my mom, i mean i pay for my own gas, credit card bills, medical bills, food, clothes, tickets, stuff like that but my mom pays for my car insurace, and she pays my wages, even though there is no work to be done at work right now so she basically pays me to sit on the computer all day, this is because of the season it is though, but what i meam is that i am 19 years old, i need to stop being dependant upon my mom and start doing things for myself, so when i move there i will pay my own car insurance, among other things, and i will pay rent in a house of my own, i will have a job that i actually work for my money, and i will finally start college and i will fianally be 100% indepent. i want to do this for the baby that i may have in the future which by the way i decided to postpone, to many of your likings. i decided after alot of thinking that i would like to have at the very least a college education and a well paying job before i want to have a baby. although john tells me he would like to have one soon i decided i would like to wait another year or too. i mean it would suck to have my 21st birthday at home with a two year old, although i am sure i would enjoy that very much, i would like to be out at a bar for the first time or at a casino concert or something and not having to worry how my child is doing with his babysitter or something. so i still need to decide what it is that i would like to go to college for but i am thinking something in business management or something like that so i can have a degree that is kinda versitile. i hope you all are happy to hear about the changes i have made in my life lately. oh and ps. i think that john and i may end up getting married at a little wedding chaple simply because he and i dont really want to spend a whole lot of money on something that we dont really need to. we have been together now for almost 2 years so it is not like it would be and impulse wedding or anything. alright well i wish you all baby dust!!!!!!!

July 16 2007

Ok so now i am 19 and a half and it is so weird to think i am going to be 20 soon. i have been trying to concieve since i was 17. there really must be something wrong with me. but whatever it will happen when it happens right? well john knows i am not on the pill and he is fine with that and he still drops the seed, he just awes over our friends babies, that everyone seems to be having. I think he does want me to get pregnant he just doesnt want to say it out loud. he is 23 years old, almost 24 and i know he is wanting one. but it seems that he and i have become distant lately. it worries me. i just feel like i should be more free be 19, not 30. i live with him, we share our finances, i cant go out and party with the girls, heck i dont even have girls to party with. but i love him so much and we had always gotten along so well before, it just seems that we only ever talk to argue. i cant stand being in the car with him because he just bickers, "your driving to fast, you need to have gas in you truck always, you cant just run it on empty forever......." urg he just drives me nuts but i feel like we have made it two years just fine, why should it go sour now? i bought him a 200 dollar ring for our anniversary and he got mad at me and to ld me to take it back and that i cant afford it! how the hell would he know what i can and can not afford, he doesnt even know what bills i have! i dont know i think one of the main reasons that i am staying with him is because i know that he want me to be pregnant and i want it so bad that it is like why leave him just to start all over with someone else. it is confuseing and it seems really hard to make any decisions anymore. he wont even let me chose my own college, i want to do my college online and he gets mad and tell me i need to go to the college instead of doing it the LAZY way!

He got laid off work a while ago like 6 months or something like that and he has just been lazy as heck and i think it is why we have been fighting, because he gets so darn bored all day long by himself that he just takes out his frustrations on me. if i leave him odds are i will only be able to find a guy that is way younger then i want or a guy who already has a kid or two. every guy i know has a kid damn near. oh wow i am venting way too much. okay anyway. i do love him very much and i know that he loves me alot too. my whole family loves him as does he. Maybe i cant conceive is because of all of the stress, i dont know but i feel like maybe i dont want a baby but maybe what i really want is freedom and then a baby later on. and to tell you all the truth... i am pretty sure that i just want pregnancy, not the actual baby, i am so obsessed with pregnancy but not at all with the baby itself, ok well maybe a little... well alot but mainly the pregnancy part. maybe i just want to feel like a woman instead of a dang kid. gosh i dont know but i feel a breakdown comeing on in the next few weeks, i hope every thing turn out good, i wont leave him until he goes back to work so i can see if he and i get along again after that but the new law passed and he just got an extra three months added to his paid unemplyment. i mean i get up every morning, monday through friday and go to work all day until 4 and sometimes later, i get home and john is watching TV or playing with his 4x4 truck or watever, so i work and he plays, but yet he has more money then i do and its not fair. okay somone help ME!!!!!!!

Oh and since i am hardly ever on this site you all should get back to me on myspace: search e-mail: kljvdsiu@yahoo.com i will definatelyt get back to you on there and if you guys leave me a message on here i will get back to you it just may take a while.

I love you all and wish you all the best of luck

+++++++Baby Dust+++++++

September 15

So it has been like 2 years now since i started trying to concieve and still nothing... obviosly. i think it would be amazing if it happened but i geuss i just dont have gods will.

Almost every girl from highschool that i can remember (nope no exageration) has fallen pregnant or allready had a baby. I am so upset when i see all of their crazy pictures and comments and all of that good stuff on myspace, and i cant help but wish that i could do that too.

One of my friends who had a baby recently though, had her baby when she was at 6 months gestation. her baby was born at 1 pound 10 ounces. so i felt real aweful for her but her baby made it and now he is happy and healthy living 4 months old now and finally home from the NICU.

I so badly want to feel the feeling of something moving inside me and kicking at me and living from me. I want it so bad. But maybe that is the problem, i want it too much.

I have been TTC for a really long time but i have never used OPKs so i think i am going to buy one today and the use it right after whenever i get AF.

Because ithink that part of the reason that i dont concieve is because i dont think that i ovulate at all. so i geuss i will just find out for sure if i do or not.

Wish me luck!!!!

Semptember 16th 08

I dont think i need to get the ovulation predictors because i am pretty sure that i ovulate. I am about 90%sure that the reason i have had sucha hard time concieving is because i probably have endometriosis. I believe this because i was looking it up on here yesterday and i actually have the symptoms. I have for a long time. i just thought that the symptoms were normal body functions. But when i read it i was like "damn that is me!!!" So i told my mom that i thought i might have it and she was like "yeah i had a laprascopy when i found out that i had endometriosis. WHAT!!!!!?????

I wonder why she waited so long to frigen tell me that. she knew what a hard time i have been having.

Women whos mothers or sisters have it, are 7 times more likely to get it then those who dont. That is about 70% chance that i have it. But then i have the symptoms as well so.... that is why i say 90%!!! So i dont know if i am glad or what.

I feel sad because endometriosis can cause a lot of big problems for women before and durring pregnancy!!! But i am also feeling releaved because now i know what i have to do to get pregnant. But will medi-cal cover it? It is only treated by surgery. Normal government paid health care wont pay for fertility treatment. so i really have to see!!! Goodness!!!!

Well i have an appointment this afternoon to be evaluated so i will get back to you all later when i learn more!!!

September 30th

So when i went to the doctor two weeks ago they said i had nothing... blah blah blah. but that doesnt matter because i tested tonight a nd got a BFP!!!!!!!!!! awesome!!!!

October 1st

So i couldnt sleep last night. john and i talked alot and he is scared but happy and excited!! which is amazing. I hope that all goes well. I really hope that i dont miscarry or anything. that would be so aweful. i had sex the other day before i got the BFP and afterwards i got cramps like iwas going to start my period. weird. so i geuss that is normal though. and i am pretty sure those tests are very accurate because both of them had darker test lines then control lines!!!! okay love you all!!