kajk
kajk has 2 days to go and is now in week 39
	Age: 24 Country: CANADA Province/region: Alberta City: Crowsnest Pass Partner: Wade Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Yes Due date: 16 Oct ,2008 Occupation:
	Online: 5 days ago. Last updated: 104 days ago. Member since: 246 days
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Well, here goes....

This is my third pregnancy and I am very excited. I have two awesome boys already (5 and 2) and look forward to more boys... I am a little hesistant about raising a girl but if that's what this one is well, guess I'm in for it huh? ;)

My last two pregnancies were fantastic and the labours were just as great. As everyone who knows me says "my body is made for babies". I am an all natural birther who self induces when I am ready to have my baby. I would like to do a "free birth" this time around but my boyfriend isn't so keen on the idea, so we are in the works of finding a midwife and birthing clinic we like. Unfortunatly where we are there aren't many options so it looks like we may be doing a trek to Calgary (3 hrs away) to make this all happen. Though it is likely that with my last labour barely being 5 hours (only 45 minutes in hospital) that we will be going a day early or so. I don't know we'll see. It is still pretty darn early so all I can do is wait right now, right?

Sunday, 24 Feb

Feb.24Well still have super sore BB `s and gained a few pounds :( which to me sucks since i am basically starting at the final of my last prego weight. Now I am really mad at myself for not working out sooner! Wade bought me a tredmill though and I just bought a pair of walking shoes to use it. I am super busy with school, my practicum, work, my kids and general life stuff (like laundry!) I only have until mid-June and then I `ll have a huge break as I `ll be done all my courses for school and one of my daycare kids will be leaving which normally I would be upset about but considering it all I know it will be a relief.My MS isn `t as bad as it was though I am always unsure if I should it expect a new improved round of it. I am having better sleeps but still waking up regularly. We are still having trouble finding a doctor or preferrably a midwife due to our location but I am sure that will work itself out eventually as well. Hope all you preggers are doing well and enjoying the start to a great adventure!

March 6th

Hmmm, Still don't have a doctor/midwife and no clue where I am to have this baby. I really want to have a home birth or at least a birthcentre but it is looking pretty unlikely. I am frustrated and dissappointed with so many things in my life... maybe it is just hormones or maybe it is just hormones making me see things as they are?

I am exhausted ALL the time, no energy, no drive, nothing makes or keeps me happy for long. I don't ever remember being this extreme in either of my two pregnancies so this is very new to me. I don't remember being this moody or neasous (jeez how do you spell that?!!) .. neauseated (I don't know!) or hungry ALL the time.

I am still working from home, which isn't an issue but I am having huge difficulty working on or even starting assignments for school but I know I will be so dissappointed and upset with myself if I quite. At the same time I just can't seem to find it in me to do it any more.

Maybe this isn't just hormones... maybe I am actually slipping in to depression? It is such a fine line I don't know what to think any more.

March 14, 2008

Things did seem to be getting better but have once again... well, they suck. I am still incredibly behind in my school work, I am still overly tired and experiencing headaches, back pain and now pains in my left side. I always feel so sad and confused - my poor family. Work is sucking also, but if I don't work then a whole other mess of stuff comes up. I still don't have a doctor and I am really upset about that too. And on top of it all my once beautiful, LONG hair has been massacured by some brood at the salon who claimed to have 17 years experience and it is so short that I can't even put it into a pony-tail. I now wear a hot from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I spent hours crying and my saddness has only carried over to today.

I am such a whiner huh? You know people always say you'll miss the simplicity of your younger years and I can say I would give anything to be back to those days. I feel done. I am just done.

April 6, 2008

So only 2 days until my 24 birthday... and 5 days until my first prenatal appointment. I am not really looking forward to either one. I am coming onto my second trimester and am looking forward to having some more energy. I can already feel a difference in my ability to get things done moreso throughout the day, but am still finding my energy completely vanishing by 1 pm - ugh. I have all but failed all 5 of my classes at college (disappointing but this pregnancy has taken a whole lot out of me than ever before so what do you do..).

On a positive note, now that I am not stressing or frustrated with school stuff I have been able to do more with my kids, work on their homeschooling and getting outside more too. I am starting to feel a little better about things as they are right now, and am looking forward to working thigns out for the future....

By the way I have a great site for those who would like to see some emotions that the baby can really feel and demonstrate them.... this is a video clip of a baby crying in-utero!

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/media/fetalcryingvideo.html

you'll probably need to cut and paste it - enjoy!

April 18th

Finally begining to feel better now. I am still incredibly exhausted and have night sickness after supper, but I have way more energy and able to get some things done around the house. By the evening I feel totally done but at least I can do most of the things I want to during the day - I think the weather change is helping a lot too. I am still working. running my daycare and photography businesses, but thankfully it isn't overwhelmingly busy.

My partner, Wade, has been so fantastic. He is so patient and tries hard to sympathize with me... as shows his 10lb weight gain and mysterious lower back pains. : ) We are looking at buying a new house so we can move our family together and start out fresh.... This is Wade's first biological child, though he is a wonderful father to my other two from a previous realationship. We never moved in together b/c I didn't want us to live together until we got married, but as usual things haven't really gone to plan. ;)

Anyway, we finally have a prenatal doctor who is really laid back, hands in pockets and willing to let me do things how I want from start to finish, which is a big relief for me. I am a self birther... meaning I don't like ppl talking, touching or otherwise involved with me - that all distracts we too much and I can't handle the pains as well. We are looking at hiring a doula to support Wade though, with this being his first we aren't sure how he'll handle the pressures and stresses that inevitably coem with labour and delivery. My sister will be there as well to help coach him and me as she knows how it goes with me since she has been my labour partner through the last two as well.

Anyway... things are going better and are definatly looking up!

June 24, 2008
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I have moved my boys to Coleman, AB so we can all be a 'family' with my fiance Wade. It was a sacrifice or whatever you want to call it on my part to move as I have never wanted to or even like "The Pass". The only solace I have right now is that we will be moving out of this house - GOD I pray it is before the baby comes.
I don't know what has happened to me. I feel so... not alone but empty and what ever emotions I do have are so overwhelmingly sad. I spend a good portion of my day crying, another portion yelling and the rest feeling guilty. I lay at night wondering who I have become. I am no longer a good mother. My children flinch and are fearful of me when I become angry, which is so often that I doubt they think they can do any thing right any more. I am begining to think that this is what I should be any more. Maybe my dreams of being that wonderful, look-up to Mom isn't reality and now that I can't fake it any more I am destroying to little people in the process. What hurts me the most is that I want so badly to be a good mom. I want so badly to have fun and enjoy being their mom but I just can't any more. Everything I worked so hard to become has slipped away and I feel myself slipping away too. I can't help but think that they would really be better off without me.
While I don't agree with suicide as I have seen what it does to the family, the friends and over all community all I can think about is how much better everyone else would be without me here. My thoughts turn to this and I hate myself more but welcome the idea of not being the reason my children are so unhappy. They are still so young that I doubt they would even remember what I looked like or the sound of my voice. Oh God what has happened to me?!
July 2nd, 2008
Things are better now. I finally told my fiance how I am feeling and those aweful thoughts that were consuming me. He stayed home from work with me and got me into see a counselor. She was really great and I am now going to be seeing her on a regular basis. I never thought that 'talking' would help and I was afraid of being put onto drugs and being medicated the rest of my life so I felt so trapped and helpless. My counselor has shown me that talking things out and having a different perspective - an unbiased, non-judgmental one, can be all that you really need and that drugs are not always necessary (thank god). I feel so much better. I still have a really hard time sleeping at night which can really affect my ability to get the things that I want to get done completed, but now it doesn't feel like such a burden if things don't get so done. I enjoy my kids again and they aren't so worried about making me cry (even though it was never really them). I am smiling again and laughing again. Wade (my fiance) really handled things well and stepped up to the plate. I was so worried and scared about 'letting him in' and putting that much on him but I see that our relationship will only become stronger and stable the more we trust and depend on each other. It was one of the hardest times in my life - I have NEVER felt so low and so scared - and while I am not feeling out of the dark yet, I am feeling that the light isn't as distant as I thought.
Thank-you Wade. Thank-you for letting me trust you. Thank-you for being so patient and persistant. Thank-you for loving me. Thank-you. I love you.