i guess i've never really taken the time to put my "story" out here...so, better late than never.

greg and i were married in june of 2002. we knew we wanted to try to get pregnant right away, so i had stopped taking the pill in may of 2002. we settled into a townhouse in a new town immediately after our wedding and had at it. i was pregnant in november of 2002...soon followed by our 1st miscarriage in december. of course no doctors were concerned with one little 'ol miscarriage, so we started again immediately. (the only thing that was done medically was to check my thyroid and start me on synthroid for hypothyroidism...a health issue that can cause fertility issues.) we ended up moving towns around xmas after the miscarriage. i had to find a new obgyn. little did i know that i had chosen the biggest meany known to the gynocological world. thinking back i wonder why i chose a male obgyn. it's odd for me considering i prefer a female doctor. we then conceived in march of 2003...to be followed by miscarriage number 2 in april of 2003. again, the medical world chalked it up to be nothing much. needless to say, i was quite determined that i would become and stay pregnant. i didn't waste any time trying again. so, because of my bullheadedness, we got pregnant yet AGAIN in may of 2003. my ass of an obgyn, with the least amount of compassion possible, actually made me break down and cry when i went to him concerned that i was showing the same symptoms i had during the first 2 miscarriages. he told me he could put me on progesterone to help sustain the pregnancy. that i should settle down and let him do his job...what was that? to be a jerk? well, he was a pro at that. i, after realizing that pregnancy number 3 was failing, sought the referral of a close friend that already had 3 children and began to see her obgyn. a woman who was so kind and concerned. she helped us through miscarriage number 3 which was in june of 2003...a few days after our first wedding anniversary. then the real fertility chaos began. we were not even able to conceive at all. not for lack of trying, which was every single, long month. after almost a year with no luck, we started the arduous task of fertility treatments. bank account draining, spirit draining, marriage draining fertility treatments and a reproductive endocrinologist to walk us through it all. so there started a string of fertility medications like clomid, and treatments like artificial insemination, and in vitro. of course those things were intertwined with every invasive test known to male and female. stirrups were quickly becoming the norm for me as little plastic cups in tiny rooms were becoming for my husband. we felt that we had become desperate and to hell if we were giving up... even though we were falling apart at the core of our beings. and YES, we did consider adoption. if i had a freaking nickel for every time some helpful soul asked me that...well, it would have paid for me to adopt a little one. (we did begin the process of collecting adoption information and almost set up for a home study at one point during all of the years to come...) i have four, two-year calendars with pencil notes scrawled into the tiny little squares. every time i ovulated, didn't conceive, doctor appointments, lists of procedures, and baby names i was collecting...just in case. or, as i told myself, lots of nice names for all of the pets i was going to get if this never worked. fertility problems are right up there with jobs, money, moving, death, and illness when it comes to really trying a marriages strength. sex on demand. unless one is a hormonally driven, teenage boy...it's not that easy or fun, off and on for 4 years. we did have an in vitro done in july of 2004 that was successful. i then had miscarriage number 4 in september of 2004. she had a little heartbeat that stopped somewhere in the end of august of 2004. since my tired uterus was not letting go of her, i had to have scheduled what i dreaded most... a d&c. the night before the procedure was to happen i began to bleed and double over with cramps. i was checked into the MATERNITY ward of the hospital to be observed. it was utter pain for my emotions to be there with the women that i could hear delivering their crying babies. i would later look on the bright side when i realized that if the miscarriage had happened at home, they would not have been able to analyze the tissue remains they collected to find what seemed to be the culprit that was causing all of the failed pregnancies. there is a balanced chromosomal translocation that my husband was born with that is passed on by the majority of his sperm. the odds of conceiving a viable pregnancy, IF we could even manage to conceive, were one out of four pregnancies. we took that info and tried on our own ... for awhile. we were truly determined. eventually we decided to have an in vitro done with donor embryos. we felt it was the thing to do. their batch had produced live born for the couple that donated them, so we figured we had a chance. 4 healthy embryos were transferred, but none of them implanted. i felt so sad for those little ones. it is scary sometimes just how little control we have. more time passed and we decided to do another in vitro on our own again...this time we had more technology on our side. we had 4 of our own embryos develop and had cells tested from each of them that determined if they could live or would not. 1 little girl embryo, of the four embryos of our own that we started with, would prove to be healthy and not have her daddy's chromosomal issues. she was unable to implant... we then threw our hands up in exasperation and continued to "do it" the old fashioned way. no conceptions. none. BUT no miscarriages either. i was feeling completely over the entire situation. greg was LONG over the entire situation as well. we were both taking vitamins, you know, trying to be healthy. oh, and drinking a bit more too. not healthy, but it made us feel better. then obviously, since i am on a pregnancy site, we did it. we did it? we freaking did it! oh no, we did it. holy crap. the one out of four odds we were given, that IF we even managed to conceive at ALL, were staring us in the face in the form of a stupid plastic stick covered in pee. WE did it, we did it, WE DID IT.

he has managed to be still during the majority of this ramble... leaving me be to type frantically, try to remember all the details with these damn hormones coursing through, and cry a bit over the memory of it all. our little miracle boy. little leo. he is something amazing already. what is he going to bring to this world that, against bum odds, finally let him become HIM?! i know that is many moons from now, but what a long, long journey it's been. what a story we will have to tell him through his bedroom door after he slams it and tells us we are terrible parents that probably never wanted him anyway... he will be born almost 6 years, to the week, after my going off of the pill and beginning this journey. that day won't be a moment too soon and will be jotted with a very bright color, in his very own square, in one of those very full little calendars of mine... we get to become a mommy and a daddy!