September 22, 2008- Well today I am officially 12 weeks pregnant. Once I got off of the pre-natals I felt a ton better. Not even sure If i had morning sickness, just those darn pills. Now I take flinstones and seperate folic acid and OMG was that the best thing I could have ever done. I still sometimes feel nauteaus but alot of the time this is bc I do not eat enough....I dont have a big appetite. I am now a vegetarian. LOL. When I brush my teeth I gag and almost get sick. Well enough of that yucky stuff. In about a month I will have all the genetic testing done. I am so worried about everything. I just want to have a healthy baby. I dont care of gender, although I will find that out in about 6 weeks. Doctors appointment wednesday but I am switching doctors to the same as my friend had. Still not really showing. I cant really tell a difference...im sure that wil change within the next few weeks though.

September 24, 2008- Doctors appointment today was just like the others...super long. He couldnt find the heartbeat with the doppler so he had another doctor come and try and she found it right away. She said it sounded good. Thats a relief. I lost a couple more pounds...Oh and Charles im'd me like every day. He was being cocky. I dont know where his attitude comes from but I really realized today, I really do not want to have a baby with him. Obviously its a little too late but I wish I just would have been smarter when sleeping with him. It makes me sad this baby was not made with love. It makes me sad that I have had feelings for someone for so long that will never have them back and never wanted to try to date me or anything. Like I am not good enough for anything but sex. And look what happens. Now I am stuck with this jerk of a BOY to deal with for the rest of my life. I know its best for my baby to have a father but right now I just really hate him. He thinks I am full of myself when I say he should feel privilaged to sleep with me. But its the truth. He should treat me better than he has. Even now he trys to make a point, saying little dumb shit as if to burn it into my skull that we will never be together. I just hate him. I kinda just wish he would never come home from Kuwait. Hes a selfish piece of shit. I had to rant today bc im too emotional these days to keep it inside and Id rather write it then tell anyone that doesnt care anyways. Not that there is many people to tell these days.

September 30- Ugh today was a mixture...on one hand i went to my first appointment with my NEW doctor. This makes like 6 appointments I have already had at 13 weeks. Oh well I do think I will like this one better. They also offered me the Downs testing...I got poked in the finger ( and of course proceeded to get faint and dizzy as usual when ppl get any amount of blood from me) and also got an ultrasound. This one was VERY different from the 8 week one. It is not a blob, but an actual baby....The ultrasound tech didnt say much about the ultrasound but I asked if it looked normal like others and she said oh ya so hopefully everything will be good. I am extremelly nervous and comparing the ultrasound pic to ones online.....I feel crazy but I just want everything to be okay.

October 7- Well today my doc called really bright n early....early to me is anything before 12 because i basically go to work from 4-anywhere from 10-midnight and then sleep the following day until 1ish. But anyway she called at 8AM to tell me that my results for the downs screening from last week were normal. So I was very happy for that wake up call. With everything else that is going not so great in my life that overshadows it all, so it was very relieving. My stomache is looking kinda poochy. Nothing that can be noticed by anyone but me and I can just feel the roundness but its still pretty much the same. I am trying to eat better but i usually sleep so dang much and then i eat before work and then once after work but nothing ever seems very good. I wish I had my appetite back. And I sleep so much bc i wake up so often with a full bladder, and I never really sleep contently. I have vivid dreams and i remember them all so that must mean i am not sleeping soundly?

October 16- What the bajeezes! I have been peeing constantly today. Every half hour my bladder is screaming to be emptied. I drank a large water today with my OLGAS :) carryout, but that is all. The only food I can seem to scarf down. Wierd. But I didnt' have anything else to drink today and usually I drink a juicebox, like 4 glasses of water with crushed ice, and I usually have a glass of milk and a cup of hot chocolate in the morning. No work today, my one day off a week. I HATE that place with a passion and I feel overly sensitive to people and everything in my life these days so waitressing and dealing with them jerks is not really the best situation, but I have no choice. I wish I had a nice little desk job where I could snack lightly all day and not have to bust my ass like i do to make literally no money, and in a quiet setting without awful people around me. yep, keep dreaming, I know. I have been feeling real lonely lately, kinda like im just annoying to everyone, or actually, just dont exist, because I am pregnant. I dont know why I feel this way. I dont talk about my pregnancy with anyone other than family really, bc thats the only ppl who seem to care anyway. Charles texted me today and asked me how I was feeling. He texts me alot but NEVER has he asked me how I was feeling or anything like that. Usually its, SUP? Then he said he had been drinking and was on his way to being drunk, hes on a small leave and his unit was sent to some little vacation spot. So obviously he cant show he cares when hes NOT drinking, right. What an ass. But everyone is an ass to me these days, it seems in my own head. I am not making sense. Hopefully I will start to feel more normal one of these days instead of like an oversensitive overreactive bitch. Before I found out I was pregnant I was starting to become very strong. Not caring what people thought and I really liked how I was changing for the better. Now I am just a messssss.

October 21- Doctors appointment today. Finally met MY doctor. I am glad I switched doctors from the original place I was going. But then Dr.K was booked up so I had to see this other dude at the new office, but today I met her and I will see her from now on. I like knowing a friend had her and loved her. Pretty uneventful exam, but I have to go get bloodwork this week and then in 4 weeks its the big ultrasound.....I am so anxious to know what I am having. I am also anxious about this upcoming blood work. They said my last screening was normal and if this comes back normal they wont need any further tests like that. Its just nerve racking bc you dont hear anything for a couple weeks. Oh and I lost another pound but docs not worried about it, as long as from now on I can mantain my weight and try my best to eat and then I should be gaining by 20 weeks.

December 3rd- Wow been a long while since I updated. I am already 22 1/2 weeks. Found out a couple weeks ago I am having a BOY. It was very obvious i seen his lil boy parts on the screen n i could tell before the tech even said "you're having a baby boy." I am feeling some movement now. The tech said that the placenta is on the front wall of my uterus so he has to kick through that and it could be a reason for me not having felt anything. Plus everything I do feel i think is gas or something :) Otherwise I have been stressed from work. I hate going to that place, making no money, dealing with the awful people and knowing i will be doing it all over again the next night. I have been so depressed and then it doesnt help to have to deal with fuckhead. Hes going to make me look like a fool parading around with his lil whore and think that im going to cooperate and be his friend and make his life easier through this whole thing. I am the one that has to deal with everything. I hate men. I hate hate hate him with all that i have. Im trying not to let all of the bullshit in my life affect me but I cant help it. I dread waking up and facing the day. I have noone to talk to about it so i just sink further and further into it....

The ultrasound from last week, 13 weeks 1 day >