More....

I had a miscarriage March 27th and I am slowing coming to terms with it. I was 10 weeks pregnant and we had been trying to conceive for a year so we are absolutely devastated.

But I believe that things happen for a reason and I know me and husband will get through this. We are booking a holiday for the end of April and we are positive that we will conceive again soon.

For all those other women that have had a miscarriage my heart goes out to you. No one can understand how horrendous it is until you have been through it yourself. Life is so cruel sometimes.

Please feel free to talk to me about it as talking helps me come to terms with it.

So from now on it's positive thoughts! xx

Wednesday 2nd April

Haven't cried much today, just a quick tear when I was listening to a sad song earlier.

Thursday 3rd April

Been to see a consultant today about my heart murmur. I've had an ECG and they think one of my valves is leaking so I've got to go back on 13th May for a heart scan! They don't know why I have it but at least they're checking it out.

Been to my parents house for dinner so the day has gone quick and my hubby will be home from work soon. Feel a bit better in myself today. Some days are easier than others. Still miss the pregnant feeling like mad!

Friday 4th April

Well it's a week today since I was told I'd lost my baby and I'm feeling much better. All of you that have sent me messages I would like to thank you for helping me get through the toughest time of my life. Thank goodness I have the family, friends and husband that I have as they have all been wonderful and kept me sane through this horrible time. 24 days until our holiday. We are hoping to start trying again any day now so please keep your fingers crossed for us. I'm hoping it won't take us a year this time! Anyway, I'm keeping those positive thoughts coming! Good luck to any of you in the same situation! xx

Saturday 5th April

Had a lovely day with my hubby and went to my sisters on the evening for a meal and to spend some time with my adorable neices and nephew. Feel so much better when Steve is at home with me. Wish the weekends lasted a bit longer. The bleeding has stopped now so I think in a few days we are going to start trying again.

Sunday 6th April

Just got back from a long walk on the beach with my hubby, my dog, my parents and my niece and nephew. Feel all energised and positive. Think we're going to start trying to conceive again tonight so wish us luck! I'm a bit scared in case it hurts but I if we don't try we won't get pregnant again will we? We go on holiday 3 weeks today. I really can't wait!

Monday 7th April
Feel really positive today. We started TTC conceive again last night and although I was a bit worried it would hurt and we both got a bit upset it was nice to know that we can hope again and that I may fall pregnant again soon. Keeping everything crossed (apart from my legs) ha ha

Tuesday 8th April

Feel a bit ill today, must be my heart problems. Felt a bit tearful all morning but as usual the messages on here make me feel better and give me hope. 19 days to our holiday, it would be so nice if conceived again straight away.

Wednesday 9th April

Well today should have been my 12 week scan so I'm a bit upset. It should have been a wonderful day but instead I feel the loss again and wish things were different. Anyway, tomorrow is another day, I'm sure I'll feel better soon.

Friday 10th April

Had an ok day yesterday and felt a bit like my old self but today I feel crappy again. I just wish I knew when my period was due so I could get that over with and know when I'll be ovulating again. It's impossible to work it out since the miscarriage and I'm going on holiday in 2 weeks so don't really want to be on my period then! Grrrr not in a good mood today.

Monday 14th April

Been to the doctors this morning to ask about my heart problem and he said if when I have my heart scan on the 13th May they find that one of my heart valves is leaking I will either have to have heart surgery or be on medication for the rest of my life so I'm not very happy and very worried. He also said I shouldn't be going on holiday because of the flight but he said if I take 2 aspirin a day it should thin my blood and should be ok. I told him we were trying for a baby again and he said I should wait until after my heart scan because if I do get pregnant it will delay treatment but I'm afraid getting pregnant is more important to me so we are still going to keep trying. The chances of me falling pregnant before the 13th May are very slim anyway.

Thursday 17th April

Well this week hasn't been too bad. I've had the usual constant headache but that seems to be wearing off now. Hope it's gone by the time we go on holiday. Only 10 days to go! I've been on a diet for the last 4 days and I've lost 4lbs already so I'm really pleased about that. It's 3 weeks today since my miscarriage so I'm waiting for my period to show up next week. Hopefully it won't but I won't be upset if it does because then I know my body is working properly again and that it will be ready for us to TTC next month.

Tuesday 22nd April

No sign of my period yet and it's 27 days since my miscarriage. It would so amazing if I was already pregnant but I doubt very much that I am. I am supposed to be taking 2 aspirin a day to thin my blood before we go on holiday in 5 days but I daren't take them in case I am already pregnant as it would be bad for the baby. What a dilema!

I've done a test today and it was negative so I have started taking the aspirin. Hopefully next month will be my month!

Thursday 24th April

My period has disappeared today, there was only a tiny bit yesterday and now it's gone so god knows what's going on! Bit confused! 3 days till our holiday I'm so excited!

Sunday 27th April

Still no period so I'm expecting it while I'm on holiday. We fly in 15 hours, soooooooo excited!

Tuesday 7th May

Well we're back from our holiday and unfortunately it was an absolute nightmare. The first few days were ok but then I started getting breathless and I ended up in hospital having a panic attack. We then had to fly home early as I was in such a mess. We got home and I carried on having panic attacks so I ended up in hospital here. Yesterday I went to see my doctor and he has put me on beta blockers to calm me down and I have to go back and see him Friday. He thinks the miscarriage and the worry about my heart has all got on top of me and this is what is causing the anxiety. My AF lasted all holiday so we haven't started TTC yet. Today is day 9 so we are going to start today. Positive thoughts from now on! And no more holidays.

Monday 12th May

Had a lovely weekend but still had the odd panic attack. Today is day 14 of my cycle (I think) so I'm hoping that something inside is happening as we speak! Fingers crossed for this month and good luck to everyone else who is TTC!

Tuesday 13th May

Hi everyone, good news about my heart. Had my scan today and there is nothing wrong with my heart at all so that's one less thing to worry about. I now just need to find out why I have the breathlessness and take it from there.

Monday 19th May

Only 7/8 days to go until I can do a test. I'm dying to do one now but I know it wouldn't even work this early. It's so horrible waiting for the right day to come. I can't decide if I've got pregnancy symptoms or just the usual monthly symptoms. My boobs have grown but they're not sore and I've had heartburn and a little bit of quesiness and a few spots have come out but they could all be signs that my AF is due. This time next week at least I'll know one way or the other. Then it'll be back to the drawing board. The months seem to take so long when you're waiting to do a test. Good luck to everyone out there TTC, I know exactly how you all feel. Life has been horrible for me the past few months and I just keep thinking that if I could fall pregnant again everything will fall back into place. Fingers crossed.