A little about my name, which will soon have to change...

mlmm: My daughter Mikayla Lynne Marie.

djm: My son Drew Joseph

2/20/08: Hello all! I am a 27 year old stay at home mommy. I have a 4 year old son Drew and 7 year old daughter Mikayla, #3 was definitely a surprise for all of us! My hubby and I have been together for 8 years. I can't wait to get to know you all as we share this together. I'll add more as time goes on. Let the crazy cravings begin!!!

2/23/08: Mr. Sandman where oh where did you go??? I have been so tired lately only sleeping about 3 hours a night. I fall asleep fine, it's staying asleep I'm having a problem with this week. I wake up about 3 hours after I fall asleep every night like clockwork. After that it's impossible for me to get back to sleep. Hopefully this will pass soon. I'm anxiously awaiting my first OB visit on 3/7/08. That's really when it all hits you I think. That's all for now...

2/29/08: Will I ever be full again? This week I have had to eat every 2 hours to stay full. I'm not talking a huge meal but it can't be an apple either. At this rate I figure I will weigh about 840 pounds by October. I'm trying to keep it healthy but I have to say those Corn Pops scream my name every time I walk into the kitchen. Since I don't drink milk I figure a bowl or 2 of cereal every day is ok. I'm going to get Total Raisin Bran though next time it's chock-full of vitamins and good stuff for my little bump. I'm also still not sleeping very well, although on hubby's day off I did go to bed at 6:30pm and didn't wake up until morning. I'm thinking maybe it's because I knew he was here to watch the kids. It was definitely nice to have a good night of sleep I'm hoping it will become a trend.

3/10/08: I had my first OB appointment and to my surprise they did an internal ultrasound because I wasn't 100% sure on my AF dates. Turns out I was close but no cigar. They bumped me back a week I measured 8 weeks 2 days, but I was soooo happy to see my little bean's heart beating strong. My due date was moved to Oct. 17 which is very close to my first child's due date. She was due Oct. 18, 2000 however she didn't grace us with her presence until November 1st so I hope this baby will be a little more cooperative. I was given a new prenatal vitamin, it's actually 2 so I'll try it for as long as I can but it makes me a bit sick to my stomach and I actually think it's making me burp. I have another appointment in 9 days then I will start the monthly visits until later on. It was so nice to see the heartbeat and be certain on my due date. Until next time...

3/19/08: I went for my second visit today. I got there and they told me my due date was wrong...again. She changed it to October 15th. I was happy to see she had brought an ultrasound machine with her, and couldn't wait to see little bump again. Unfortunately after 4 ultrasounds on 2 different machines and several doctors they were unable to find a heart beat this time. HUH?!?!? I have no symptoms, no spotting, no cramping, my BB still hurt like crazy, and the cravings??? As the world crashed around me they told me my options to either let nature take it's course or have a D&C. It was like being hit by a bus, I feel like I should have known. Why did my belly grow so much this weekend? Why did I not feel different? How could I not have known? So many things swirled through my head. I asked them to measure the baby and our little angel measured 9 weeks 4 days. Our bump went home on Palm Sunday, is that a sign that it was God's will? I want to scream and cry and fall apart but I'm trying to stay strong and still let myself grieve. My husband has been my strength through all of this, without him I would be lost. I'm just so confused, as bad as this may sound I wish I didn't feel pregnant anymore, it seems so cruel to let me still feel it. We go for the D&C on Monday....

3/31/08: I haven't updated in a while it's been a roller coaster ride these past 2 weeks. The D&C went as well as can be expected. For the first couple of days there was no pain or bleeding. Friday I lost all pregnancy symptoms, I know I wished for them to leave, but I would give anything for one more second of it. After my hormone levels returned to normal on Friday I had severe pain and lots of bleeding . I was also having what felt like contractions, not as painful but I could feel my uterus tightening and releasing and I passed a lot of tissue shortly after. (sorry TMI) Emotionally I am doing ok, I wouldn't say great but not horrible either. The first few days were the worst moments of my life. Now I'm realizing these things happen for a reason. Our baby would have had a horrible defect of some sort and I wouldn't wish that on anyone let alone my own child. The one thing that has made me furious several times is the doctor calling my baby fetal tissue! I was horrified just before the D&C when we asked my Dr. what testing they do afterwards and she said they just check to verify it is "fetal tissue"!!! I thought my hubby was going to kill her. Since when can anything but a baby grow inside a mother's womb and have a heart beat??? Although our BABY's heart stopped at 9w 4d it was a child to me and always will be. We asked them not to test for gender since it would just make it that much harder to cope. We aren't going to pick a name either, we will forever remember him/her as Bump. The kids and my hubby are amazing they have been here by my side, and so has my family. There have been several times when I felt hopelessly alone even though everyone was right there, but I think that's a normal thing. This baby was inside me and it's my body having to feel it all. Hubby's work was wonderful, he came home that Wednesday and they told him to stay with me as long as I needed him and he would be payed. He returned to work today, I can't stop real life from happening forever, yes I wish he could be here but I understand he has responsibilities to attend to. We aren't going to try again, I would have cherished this baby, but we weren't planning for him/her. I am planning to go on Mirena just to be on the safe side. I don't want to count out the possibility that some day we may want another but for now I am not in any rush. I don't think I could handle this ever happening again, and now I have that fear that it might. I never knew m/c wasn't preceded by cramps and bleeding so it was a real eye opener. Well that's about all for now I wish all my friends expecting nothing but wonderful things and to all those who have m/c life is not over, never feel guilty about wanting to try again. There isn't a damn thing wrong with trying to get what you yearned for from the start. Thank you for all of the wonderful messages I read them again at times I really needed some lifting, they helped me more than you will ever know. Love to all.....

~October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day~

Light a candle at 7 pm (no matter the time zone) to remember all of this years angels.