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Hello all. Well my name is Molly. I found out I was pregnant about three weeks ago. I tested about 5 days before my missed period and what do you know? It was positive!! I have taken three more since then and the result has been the same. I was terrified at first. My boyfriend and I hadn't really been trying but we weren't not trying either. This is my second pregnancy. I miscarried at 5 weeks about three years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. Everything happens for a reason though. My boyfriend had started running the streets right before I became pregnant and putting me to the side. He doesn't come home when he says he will, doesn't call, etc. It has only gotten worse since I got preggo. When he calls he begs to be with me and says he wants to be a family. He says this is what he wants but I couldn't even get him to come home the night I found out. I am better off without him but it sucks not being able to share all of this with him. The relationship is over since I no longer trust him and I think he may have even stolen from me but I am still hoping he will be involved with his child. Besides all that drama, I have some amazing friends that are very supportive. My mom is still giving me a hard time but hopefully she will come around. She doesn't want to see her baby suffer but I just need her to get on board. It sucks when your own mother wishes you would have an abortion. Anyways, I will try to treat this as a diary and write when I can. Please feel free to leave comments, as I can use all the support I can get. I also appreciate any and all advice.

08/06/07

So yey!! I am six weeks! The last three weeks has gone by so slow. Tomorrow I will be having my first u/s at my mom's work so I am super excited to see my little bean!! I hope I can see her (I really think its a girl) little heart beat! I am still working on getting health insurance so that is my main stress. I may make too much money for oregon health plan and I am still not eligible for health insurance at work. Very stressful but I'm sure everything will work out. I plan on telling my dad and step-mom about the pregnancy next week. I hope that goes over well. I am sure they will be supportive but they may be disappointed with the babys father. As far as symptoms go, I have some morning sickness all day on and off. I think that may be getting worse in the near future and I am so tired. It's like that achy tired where you feel like you might die if you don't go to sleep! Well, I guess thats all for now.

08/07/07

Today I had my first ultrasound and it was amazing! I saw the yolk sac and the baby. The heart was beating like crazy. My mom and the other nurse even made a comment about how strong it was!! I feel so much better to have seen that and to know that so far is so good. They even said the yolk sac looked really bright. Not sure what that means but it can't be a bad thing. This is starting to feel real now. I am getting really excited. I feel pretty sick though. I have a killer headache and I keep getting spells of nausea. I feels super tired so I think I will lay down.

08/09/07

Well, I'm doing okay. I have had a bad migraine for the last couple days, I'm exhausted, and I have ms on and off all day. Mostly I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the baby's dad right now. Or not dealing with him I guess. I haven't heard from him in 6 days. The last time we talked he said he was coming over to bring my dvds that he has and he never showed or called. I just don't understand why he would say he loves me and misses me and he is coming over if he isn't going to follow through. I haven't even had the chance to tell him about the u/s. I just want to warn him that he is really going to regret not being involved now when he has the chance but it probably wouldn't do any good anyways. I have just started getting really emotional lately and I can't stop thinking about the good times we used to have. It's hard enough to go through this when I'm not pregnant but now....it feels really unbearable at times. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. I just wish he would see the light and realize that he is messing up something good. Before I was pregnant all he ever talked about was how he wanted to start a family with me. How he could never love anyone else. Now I have no idea what he's doing or what women he might be with. It's killing me. I just don't know if I can do this.

08/10/07

Well, good news today!! I have been approved for health insurance! This is a gigantic load off. I can't wait to go see a doctor. That's all I guess. On my way to visit a friend and go to the grocery store. Hope everyone is doing great.

08/12/07

So I am officially in week 7. That is exciting since I lost my last one at 5 weeks and it feels farther and farther away from that mark. My bf has started coming back around the last couple of days. He is saying all the right things but I am still scared that he will disappear again. I really just don't trust him anymore. He asked me last night when we were getting married and I basically told him never. I just feel there is too many secrets at this point and he has caused me so much pain. I guess if he really changes and becomes supportive like he should, anything is a possibility. I gave him one of the u/s pics and he carries it everywhere he goes. Kind of sweet I guess. He seems excited at least. Morning sickness is still a joy and I am exhausted all the time because I can't ever sleep right. Feeling happy for the most part though. Just hope my bf doesn't send me on a downward spiral again.

08/14/07

Well, daddy has started really trying. He is here everyday and has been helping me with things. I know it is still early though so I am not counting on it. I can tell he is putting an effort in, I am just not sure if it will be enough. As far as symptoms, I have had less the last two days. Maybe a little heartburn and being tired but very little ms. This actually has me a little worried but no bleeding or cramping so I think everything is fine. I never thought I would miss the pregnancy symptoms.

08/16/07

So I told my dad's side of the family and although they all agreed it would be difficult, they congratulated me. My dad even gave me a hug and acted all excited. I have a doctors appointment on Sep. 5th. It's actually with a nurse practitioner but I guess that's just as good. Don't think I will have an ultrasound or anything but at least someone will look at me. I will see the doc. a couple weeks later. Baby's dad has been with me everyday for about the last week which is nice. I'm just not sure if he is ready to grow up and be a family man. He seems to have trouble getting up a going to work and I have a feeling he will not be the contributing person I want him to be. On the other hand, he is very supportive now. Trys not to upset me, helps me with things, talks sweet to me. So we will see. I hope everyone else is doing great!!!

08/18/07

Almost eight weeks and really starting to feel it now. I have been throwing up all day today and just generally tired. I can barely sleep at night. Not sure if that is pregnancy related or just stress. I think a little of both. Robert never came home last night. He called me at 11:00pm and said he was trying to make some money for us and he would be home when he could be. Of course he never showed. Not last night and not this morining either. I need to just ignore his phone calls and let him know when the baby is born. It is just so hard though. As bad as it feels to have him disappear again, it is worth it when he comes back. He took my baby book with him and I have no idea when he will be back around. It just hurts so bad because it seems like he leaves just when we start to get things patched up. Why does he say he wants to marry me when he can't even stay around me? I think he took off because we both know I got payed yesterday and he owes me money. I can't keep letting myself get used. He doesn't care for me or the baby no matter what he says. Actions speak louder than words. I swear if it was one my friends going throught this situation, I would be kicking her ass for continueing to take him back. I just wish so bad that he would grow up. He is 29 years old for christs sake. Oh well, it's all on him at this point and he will be the one paying for his mistakes. I have made up my mind that I will not answer his phone calls for a while and when I do finally talk to him, I will let him know that he may not come back until he has all the money he owes me. It is time for me to quit worrying about what others will think and start taking care of myself and my little one.

08/24/07

Well its been a while since I have written. Morning sickness is pretty much gone which is amazing!! Still extremely exhausted and sore bbs. Robert is pretty much in and out as usual. He is supposedly coming over tonight but we will see. I just don't feel strong enough to stay away from him. I know I should but it is just so hard. I don't really know what else to say. Kind of getting comfortable with the whole pregnancy thing now. Can't wait to be further along. Hope everyone else is doing good.

08/26/07

Pretty excited to be in week nine finally. Still have all the same symptoms. I weighed myself and I have actually lost about 15lbs so thats a little strange but I am overweight anyways so I won't complain.

10/03/07

So this sucks that all my info was lost. I had so many entries I wanted to print up and read later. Oh well. I will just repeat that I am so excited to have found out that I'm having a little boy!!!

10/05/07

Met my doctor today. She seemed very nice and is actually the same doctor my sister had for her last baby. I will be taking the glucose test next visit since there is a lot of diabetes in my family, particularly gestational. I am waiting on the results from my amnio I had on Monday. To be honest, I'm really not to worried. I just know my little boy is healthy after seeing the last ultrasound. Robert had been letting me use his food stamp card. I gave it back to him for one day and he managed to sell $100 worth of them. I was really counting on that food but oh well. This is the shit he does. It's like he wants to be at all the appointments. He wants to be a father but he is incapable of being responsible. I really wish he would just exit my life but I know this will be a struggle with us. I have never seen someone so happy as he was when he found out he is having a boy. He literally glowed. It was sort of heart renching. Not that I feel sorry for him but I know how bad he wants this. He just may not be capable of getting it together enough. I am a little worried about having a boy. I just don't know anything about boys and there are certain things I won't be able to explain to him. It just makes me so sad to have a boy without a daddy. My mom is being pretty great lately. I know she is a little disappointed that I am having a boy but she isn't letting on. She already has 4 grandsons so we have been joking about how we will have an entire football team!! She will have to wait on the granddaughter. The thing is I never even had brothers so it will be weird to have a boy. I am still super thrilled of course and I love my little man so much already. I just wish I could feel him. I know I just turned 16 weeks but I am getting anxious. I have gained about three pounds since my last doctors visit, so that is starting. I guess thats all for now.

10/13/07

So I'm 17 weeks 2 days pregnant now. I'm starting to show a little. Mostly my stomach feels tight and it is expanding out a little. I am feeling pretty great to be honest. Only symptom that continues to linger is constipation but doc said stool softeners were fine so thats helping. I am just waiting on feeling my little man. I think I may have felt a few flutters but I'm not too sure. We have been trying hard to think of names. I really like the name Cohen but Robert hates it. I am also liking Mason. I don't know. I was so positive it was going to be a girl that I hadn't really thought of boy names. It is so amazing how much I already love this little guy. Everytime I read something about babys or giving birth I get all teary eyed. I just can't wait for that day!!! I hope all the other mommies are doing good out there.

10/20/07

So 18 weeks now. I have finally felt the baby now. Just little taps from the inside here and there but they seem to be getting stronger. I actually am not sure I like the feeling. I think when it gets stronger it won't feel so icky!! Lol. I have been riding horses again lately. I know it isn't the safest excercise when preggo but it really helps me emotionally. I am still in the process of shaking this looser asshole baby's daddy and when I get on a horse I forget all about the drama in my life. It is so thereputic for me and really the horses are pretty gentle so I feel safe enough. I haven't told my doctor and I have been getting a lot of flack for it but it is the only thing to keep me happy. I don't know. Maybe I will just do it until I get through the all this garbage with my child's father. Of course that could be a while. I love my son so much and everytime I feel a little movement from him it just reminds me how much I love him. I don't want to risk his well-being but I also don't want to cause him stress from my emotional outbursts. I have been farely unstable and I worry this will carry onto him in infantcy. I feel strong enough now to put Robert to the side like he has been doing to me. I haven't been answering his phone calls because if we start talking I know he will try to control me like he always does. He breaks me down and puts me down. Then he starts being all sweet and acting like he wants to be around. It's all a game and I can see that. I deserve to be treated much much better. There is no reason I should settle for a little attention now and them. I guess thats all for now.

11/01/07

Wow! I can't believe I am half way there. My little man is so busy lately. I don't feel him when I am standing but whenever I first sit or lie down, he starts in. I have even felt him kick my hand when I press on him sometimes. I love him so much and I just wish he would get here. I am still dealing with baby daddy drama but I am slowly getting strong enough to get away from him. He still continues to fall through with his promises and still hasn't gotten a job. He is just acting like a idiot teenager and the man is almost 30. I don't care about him though because my little guy is going to be amazing and we will be fine without his looser ass. Lately I have been having major financial problems. I am attempting to work through them but I seem to just go further in dept. I am living in an area of town that is really too expensive for me and it is only a studio so I am thinking of moving to a bigger and cheaper place. We will see what the future brings. I hope all you ladies are doing great.

11/10/07

Well, I am officially done with Robert. He continues to put me off for other people and I have a sneeky suspicion he is trying to get with his friends wife. He would rather party, drink, and smoke weed then be here for me and his son. That is unless he can get any money from me. I will not tell him when MY child is born and if he wants to be involved he will have to take me to court. My son is mine, all mine. He can't even hold a job so I who is going to grant him custody of a child? He doesn't even have a place to live. I hate him so much and the only thing I am thankful for is my son.

11/18/07

Lets see. My baby boy is so active!!! I swear he thinks my bladder is a play toy and loves to jump all over it. He is usually active in the evenings and early afternoons. I have a terrible sinus infection or something going on right now that is annoying. I am having a lot of depression lately. I just can't find anything to make me happy. I feel like I could never be with anyone but the baby's father and I know that will never happen. He isn't changing and now he doesn't even really want me. He isn't sleeping with the married woman or trying to. I am actually talking to her now and she seems pretty cool. He just can't ever do anything he says he is going to do. I feel really lost. I find that on my days off I almost wish to go back to work again because then I will be distracted. I have decided that Robert is a drug. Plain and simple. Nothing makes me feel better but a talking to him. Even if it's for a little bit, even he doesn't say what I want him to say. But it's short lived. Pretty soon I feel lower than the last low. It's hard to kick the habit though. I am not feeling connected to my child and that scares the hell out of me. I know I will eventually but right now I just feel, dead broke, emotionally drained, unable to self medicate, unable to rebound, and just plain crappy.

12/02/07

24 weeks! It kind of seems to be going by fast even though my son can't get here soon enough. I went to the doctor on Friday. She said baby is doing great and I am healthy (physically anyways), so thats good. I told her about my sadness, anxiety, and lack of sleep. She put me on Zoloft and prescribed me Ambien as well. I couldn't pick up the Ambien though because insurance doesn't cover it and I have no money right now. Hopefully the zoloft will help calm me enough to start sleeping more. I just can't stop thinking about Robert and how alone I feel in all this. He told me the other day that he isn't in love with me anymore. I guess I should have expected this day to come since I was never able to let go. He just doesn't want to do anything that is difficult. All his friends that he is staying with are telling him the same things I tell him but he just won't grow up. When they start making his life too hard, he will probably find new people. Nikki, the married woman he has been spending time with, is really a great girl. She has been trying to help us but he isn't doing anything. I tell him I am moving on and I will go explore my options and he gets all jealous and acts stupid. But he doesn't want me so what else am I supposed to do? Nikki and I tryed to go out on Friday and mysteriously, her ID disappeared. She is pretty sure he took it because it majically appeared on her countertop yesterday. She told him that he can't be hanging around her as much and I guess he is all sad about that. I kind of feel like I am stealing his friend but I don't care. She knows I am a good person and I am trying to do what is best for my son. I don't know, he still hasn't gotten a job and everyone else is getting tired of him living off of them. Maybe he will find another woman to fall for his games pretty soon and he can live off her. I have decided to give him the middle and last name. It's just way more important to him than it is to me. However, we can't agree on a first name. I am about to say screw it. It is my baby too. I'm the one carrying him for 9 months and I am the one who will be doing most of the work. I will just give him the first name I like. Okay I've rambled on forever now. I hope all you other ladies are doing great.

12/15/07

I think I am finally really starting to show. I even have developed a bit of a waddle!! Or maybe that is caused by a recent outbreak of hemrroids. Oh what a joy pregnancy is. I am starting to feel much better emotionally. I think the zoloft is kicking in. I also haven't talked to Robert in 5 or 6 days so that helps. I found out he has been selling drugs for the friend he has been living with. He even ran from the cops the other day. I basically told him as long as he assosiates with that person and continues down the road he is on, he will have nothing to do with his son. I am really disgusted with him now and I don't think I even love him anymore. He tried to get back together last week. Told me he loved me and wanted to come home. I think it was all fake though. I think he said those things because he knew I was planning to go out. I did go out the next day and he managed to ruin my time. He told a bunch of lies to Nikki's husband and had him blowing her up all night. I like Nikki but she is his friend and I really don't need any communication with him right now. I figure if he calls me close to the due date and wants to be there he can. However, he will not be put on the birth certificate and the baby won't have any part of his name. I feel pretty strong now. I just feel heavy. I am so ready to hold my baby in my arms.

12/23/07

So I am now 27 weeks. I am feeling pretty good. Cohen (I have decided on his name) is busy kicking me in the ribs and pelvis but thats alright. I can't wait until he is here and I can hold him in my arms. I already feel so full of baby, I can't believe he will more than triple in size before he is born. Not sure if I will be able to handle it. I am so excited right now because I just got a new car. It is a 2000 kia sportage and it is just perfect for me, Cohen, and Koby (the dog). I got a really good deal on it. I feel like things are finally turning around for me. My head is finally where it needs to be and I am happy with where my life is at. Granted, things will be difficult but I am feeling more prepared. I already had Christmas with my dad's side of the family and that was fun. I asked my niece if she would like to be in the room when Cohen is born and she said yes. I was in the room when she was born and I was the same age she is now. It was a pretty life changing event for me at the time so I thought that was something I could give her. I will head to my mom's tomorrow for Christmas and I am a little nervous. I hope no one judges me asks me questions about Robert. They can be a little judgemental on that side of the family so I am a little anxious. I already told my mom if anyone says anything stupid, I may freak out on them. She said she would take care of it. I guess that's about all. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!!!

12/30/07

Christmas was amazing!! My family was great and I had such a good time with them. My step dad was gifted some money from his step dad for his dead mother's estate, and in turn he gifted all the children $1000 each. I have never recieved money like this from this side of the family and it couldn't have come at a better time. It seems like the longer I go without talking to Robert the better my life gets. He tried to call me on Christmas and a couple days before that but I have remained strong. I know he will just make me feel bad and play head games with me. My son and I are so much better off without him. Now the bad news. I went to doctor's on Friday and it wasn't great news. I had my second glucose test and my blood sugar was 305. Doc said that was pretty much unheard of, so I was instantly diagnosed with gestational diabetes. She didn't want to do further testing because she said it would just make me sick. On top of that I am anemic and my blood pressure was high so I was sent away for bloodwork. Don't know what the results of that is yet but hopefully everything is okay. So I meet with a diabetic counsler on the 8th. I have started taking iron (as if I'm not constipated enough!!) and eating as low carb as possible. I guess now that I feel emotionally good, physically I'm falling apart. Ah well, probably just third trimester stuff. Take care girls!!!

01/06/08

Happy new year!!! So 29 weeks now. Feeling very, very low energy. I think part of it is my blood sugar and part of it is the fact that I don't sleep right anymore. I have crazy, scary dreams every night. They are super random and sometimes very disturbing. I only sleep for about an hour at a time and when I wake up it takes me a while to find a comfortable spot again. I think I just am not ever reaching REM sleep and that contributes to my exhaustion. I hate no being able to eat carbs. I am craving all this stuff that I can't have. The things I can have are not comfort foods. It's like all cold and hard stuff. I don't know. All for baby I guess. He is still really active but starting to slow down his movements a bit. Still gets a foot lodged in my rib cage on occasion but I'm sure that will only get worse. Feeling great emotionally. I can't believe he will be here in a couple months!!! So crazy.

01/13/08

30 weeks!! Went and saw my doc on Friday and all seemed pretty well. She gave me some more ambien to help me sleep. It does help me sleep but I am still just as exhausted during the day. I lost 3 lbs which is great because I was gaining like gang busters there for a while. Doctor wasn't too impressed with my blood sugars even with my diet control so she has sent me to an endrocronoligist (sp). He will probably put me on insulin. Not sure how I feel about giving myself shots but oh well. She also talked to me about induction date. Looks like I will likely be induced on the 10th or the 14th of March. It depends on if she wants to take the 14th off work. Ha. I hope she does!! I would rather have him on the 10th. Plus, if I have an induction date, it will just make me more anxious and impatient for that day to get here. I have my next u/s at 35 weeks to check how big he's getting and that will really finalize it all. He doesn't seem all that big to me. Well, actually, I don't seem all that big to me. Strangers still don't say anything to me ever. If I wear a sweatshirt, you can't even tell I'm pregnant. I am wearing maternity pants only though now and my stomach is pretty round and hard as a rock. Doc measured me and said my uterus is right where it should be. She said I just hide it well. I guess thats all for now. It's been over a month since I have talked to Robert!!! Yeah for me!!! I feel great about that. Hope everyone else is doing good.

01/20/08

31 weeks now. I went and saw the endroconologist on Tuesday. He did end up putting me on a little insulin. I just take it before breakfast since that is when I seem to be the highest. He started me at 4 units but after I faxed my latest numbers to him, he upped it to 8 units. My fastings have been alright for the most part. Yesterday, I woke up and it was 120 (not good). I took my insulin, ate breakfast, and two hours later it was 209!! Really not good. I felt really swollen all day and just pretty icky so when my break came at work, I ran to Freddy's to take my blood pressure. It was 158/93!!! I called the on call doc and he said to come in. By the time I got in there, my bp had dropped way down and everything seemed fine. I have a feeling my doc will want me to cut back on work. Not sure how that will work with my current financial situation but I will do what I have to. I haven't been feeling great lately. I have no energy and that seems to be getting worse. I feel short of breath a lot and kind of light headed. Sleep is a constant struggle these days even with Ambien. Last night my son would not go to sleep for anything. He kept kicking me hard and shoving his feet in my ribs. Then he would tickle my pelvis with his little hands. I wonder if this is the kind of activity I have to look forward to when he is born. I am also starting to feel a lot of anxiety about being a mother. Just worried I won't do things right or I won't know what to do. I am really excited for my little man to get here but I worry I won't be prepared. I guess that's normal though. Oh and also my ob's office called and cancelled my appointment on March 14th. Looks like my boy will be born on the 10th!! Yippeeeee!!!

1/27/08

So, I'm seeing the doctor every week now to be monitored. I can't believe how close I'm getting. I am up to 12 units of insulin in the morning and 8 units before bed. No big deal though. It still seems impossible to keep to sugars right but I will keep trying. I started birthing classes last week. That was fun and I went with my mom. The only sad thing is I'm the only one in class whose baby's father is not my birthing couch. I recently changed my phone number because Robert and Nikki have been playing some bs games with me. I guess he has had her phone for a while, so if she calls me, she is with him. The whole time saying she hasn't seen him or talked to him. He left me a message telling me to leave him alone and quit calling which is ridiculous because I had no idea I was calling him. On top of that I never really called NIkki. She called me. According to a message Robert left on my phone, him and Nikki's husband (he left her), are moving out of state together. Leaving their kids and responsibilies to start some business. Sounds great to me. That means Robert is out my hair and will leave my son alone as well. Anyways, I changed my number so him and his friends can no longer harrass me and I feel good about that. I started getting upset again just from him leaving mean messages so I know it's best if he can't get a hold of me or Nikki for that matter. What kind of friend sits and lies like that? I kind of think she had feeling for him all along. Anyways, enough with the drama. Friday is my baby shower and I can't wait. I get to see all my closest friends and family in the same day!! Everyone have a good week!!

02/03/08

I had my baby shower on Friday. It really was great. My sister went all out with games, food, a guest book, a photo album, and even a diaper cake she made herself!! She is the best. I am so blessed to have such a supportive family. I was really depressed though because none of my friends showed up. They all made a big deal about being invited and then none of them showed up. My best friend was there and I had my family. That's all I really need anyways. Everyone had good excuses but I think it comes down to who is your good, true, friends. Ah well, I'm over it now. I have one more shower on my mom's side, two days before I'm induced. It will mostly be mom's friends and some family but I have known these women my whole life so I'm excited. I can't believe only 5 weeks until I'm induced. God, I can't wait for that day. I have an ultrasound at 35 weeks and we will see how big this boy is. As long as he isn't too huge we are sticking with the 10th. I will stay with my mom for the first week and I have a friend coming from out of town to help. My sis comes in from San Fran on the 15th and she will stay to help as well. I'm so darn excited!!!!

02/10/08

Oh my goodness the aches and pains!! It isn't comfortable to sit, stand, lay down, walk, nothing. My back hurts, my hips hurt, my legs hurt, my pelvis hurts, my feet hurt, etc,etc. I know it will only get worse for the next few weeks so I will try to make the best of it. At least I don't have to go full term. I feel like my little man has gained a ton of weight in the past week or so. Strangers are finally saying something to me on occasion. I have really popped out and I can feel the extra weight.

02/17/08

I had my u/s on Friday. It was great to see my son again and my mom went with me so that was special. He was sleeping during the whole thing which is unheard of for him but he had put on a big show for the stress test I had earlier that day so I guess he was tired. He is currently facing my back and head down so ready to be born!! The tech managed get a couple good shots of his face and oh my does he look just like his father! Big lips, same nose, everything. Ah well, I will love him just the same. He has the chunkiest cheeks too. Can't wait to squeeze them!! He weighs 5lbs 14oz give or take 16oz. So basically somewhere between 5 and 7lbs. All his measurments looked about right, except his head. His big head was measured at about 37 weeks!! Big head like his dad. Can't wait to meet him though. My doc started checking my cervix and she said it is doing nothing. She seemed a little concerned about that. Cohen is way up there too, sitting high in my uterus. We will see what happens. Still planning on the 10th of March. I am sending it an application to work at 911. Everyone wish me luck. This is a much better paying job than what I have now.

02/24/08

It's update day!! Well, still not dialated to anything and baby is still way up there. Doc is a little concerned about the baby's size. He is in the 74th percentile for his general size and his head is in the 93rd percentile (sheesh!!!). He has big head like his big headed father. Speaking of Robert, he called my dad last week. Talking about what did he have to do to be with me and be a father. Said he wanted to do the right thing and take care of his family. It's all bull though. When my dad told him he needed to provide, Robert made some comments about him not having any money if he gave it all to me, blah, blah, blah. He swears he isn't involved in anything illeagal (right) and he is going to school part time. I think my dad was pretty hard on him. He needs it. He tried to say some crap about what I've done wrong and such but my dad wouldn't get involved. He said "You will never say anything bad about Molly" and my dad said, "You're right and I never will". Basically, my dad isn't gonna sit and talk smack about me with my dead beat baby's dad. The man has stolen from me, disrespected me, abandoned me, lied and lied and lied to me and now he still wants to talk bad about me? Like I am somehow responsible for all his bullshit? I did everything I could to work things out with him and encourage him to man up. Granted, I'm no angel but the things I did to him were tiny and all just to get his attention. He severly emotionally abused me and he still thinks I am to blame. Asshole!!!! Sorry, got a little carried away there. But it is all very true. I just try not to think about it because it makes me so angry. Anyways, Robert said he couldn't help me because I he couldn't even get a hold of me because I changed my number and I won't talk to him. My dad said he could bring child support over to his house every month and he would make sure I got the money. Well, that pissed him off. Robert said,"I'm f***en done with this conversation!" and hung up the phone. Just proves to me that he is still manipulating and full of shit. Oh, he was also trying to get info out of my dad about when the baby was going to be born. Dad wouldn't budge!! Gotta love family. I might and I mean might, let him know when Cohen is born but I haven't decided yet. I don't want Robert to ever say I denied him seeing his son when he was born but I also don't want any drama. I want him to see this child so maybe something will spark in him when he sees a little peice of himself staring back at him. I don't know. Any ideas??

03/02/08

Wow. I can't believe that in 8 days I will hold my little man in my arms. The whole thing is so surreal. It has been such an incredible journey and sometimes I thought I would never see the end of it. I am feeling really tired at this point. My body aches and I can't sleep at night. Partly because of anxiety and partly because of the hip pain, numbing hands, etc. I am really swollen but I guess that's just part of it. Last doctors appointment reveiled that my cervix is still closed and Cohen has yet to drop into my pelvis. Doctor is worried he is just too big to get in there and a c section may be my only answer. I refuse to believe it. I have Big birthing hips and I am doing everything to prepare my cervix. My mom and I visited a friend that is an ob on Monday. She used to be my gyno but has recently retired from ob work so that's why she isn't delivering my baby. I have known her since I was little. She started by giving me a free ultrasound. It wasn't very clear but I could see Cohen sucking his thumb and sticking his tongue out (so precious). She said she thought he looked great and we would be able to get him out vaginally. On her recommendation, I am taking evening primrose oil both vaginally and orally, I am drinking loads of red raspberry tea, and I am going in for acupuncture tomorrow (she is going with me). I have faith that with all that prep work something will happen. If not, I am prepared for a c section. Whatever it takes to have a healthy baby! Robert sent me a message on Myspace last week. I did not respond. He labeled the message "my kid" and talked about how he didn't want to fight with me or my family. He said my dad said if he came up with $400 he could see the baby and asked me to call. Said he really needs to talk to me. I don't give two shits. Who made my dad the baby's keeper? Maybe $400 isn't enough? One thing is for sure. If I contact him now he will only get me upset. He acts like we just had a disagreement and we are both in the wrong. That fucker has done nothing for us and if he gets to see this child it will be on my terms only. He won't like that and I know we will fight if we talk so it's better I wait until the baby is here (after I send the birth certificate away). I guess that is all for now. 8 more days!!! I have my other baby shower on the 9th and then I am admitted that night. I will try to update before then but I have little access to a computer and this is my last day of work. Take care everyone and wish me luck!!!

03/23/08