14/10/07

My name is Niamh (pronounced 'Nee-iv' in English!). I am at 11 weeks now and I just went to the doctor yesterday and found out my first scan will be at 15 weeks, and then the 'big one' will be at 20 weeks. That is too far away for me. I can't wait to be showing (although I do feel the slightest of swelling feelings in my belly) and to have something to show for all this tiredness and sickness! I can't wait for my skin to get better and to have some colour back in my face. I feel rough most of the time -- very sick and very tired and drained. No energy. This site is great and so helpful; I use it more than my pregnancy book!

15/10/07

I am at university in Wales at the moment, and it is really difficult to be away from my boyfriend Stephen who is back home in Éire, but he is coming to visit me on the 21st of October so the idea of that is keeping me going! I wonder if I will regret not having been near him all through the pregnancy though. I suppose I am feeling negative at the moment because I am so sick all day long, and am finding it really hard to get any work done for university, so most of the time I am lying down and watching movies on my laptop! I really need the sickness to end very soon, because I hate being so unproductive! Well, I suppose I am being very productive indeed inside! So maybe that counts! I think so...

I am already so looking forward to Christmas because I will have a month off to be at home in Ireland and to enjoy Christmas with Stephen and my family. I can't wait to feel better and have more energy! My Mam rang me last night and told me that they moved all my stuff out of my poky little bedroom at home, and put it all in the massive guest room upstairs, which is cosy and warm and has a king-sized bed with a feather mattress; velux windows; and loads of space! I was so happy I cried! I felt it was such a lovely thing for them all to do for me. I can't believe that they went to all that effort for me. I feel I don't deserve it. It's going to be so nice for me and Stephen to have all that space over Christmas, it'll be comfy and cosy and lovely!

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have felt like I am going to have a boy, so I can't wait to find out if I am right! But I really don't care as long as it's healthy. I am not going to find out on a scan though; I'm going to be old-fashioned and wait. It's more exciting. See, I have more will-power than all of you! (Probably will want to find out though when the time comes!)

17/10/07

The days are going sooooooooo slowly with all this sickness and tiredness, and waiting for Stephen to get here on Sunday. I am SICK of feeling SICK! I can't eat proper full meals without feeling awful so I am living on snacky foods, fruit, and fruit juice... I will be so glad when this sickness is over and I am feeling more myself again, and maybe even feeling good! Wow! Hope so... Can really feel changes where my uterus it; like a swelling feeling and weird sensations -- very slight but definitely there. I can't wait to have a belly. I am still quite slim; no one would really be able to tell... although my boobies are quite mahoosive!... I really really hope I feel better soon; can't take much more of this!

28/10/07

Three months pregnant today and still no sign of this sickness shifting; it is really exhausting me by now and my mother is suggesting going to a homeopath to see if they can offer any remedies. I have a feeling that there are no remedies for this though, so I just stay in bed lots! Can't wait to be able to eat a full healthy meal again; I've missed my veg and all the other food I used to be able to eat! Fruit and yoghurt have had to do for so long now! Stephen was over with me for four days this week and it was wonderful! He looked after me constantly; he couldn't do enough for me. He cooked, he shopped, he rubbed my belly, he made me feel so loved and looked-after. I am so lucky. I got really REALLY down when he left though. But I will see him very soon; 9/11/07 till 19/11/07 for a break in Éire. Managed to do something creative today towards my course, but also watched an awful lot of stuff on the net. My first scan will be on the 8/11, so I cannot wait! I will finally be able to see what's going on in there! I don't know how to do all the computery stuff that you need to do to scan pictures, but I'll try my damndest to put my scan pic up like everyone else does! Fingers crossed I'll wake up tomorrow and this awful sickness will be gone; the spots will be gone; and I will have energy! (I cannot imagine it....)

P.S. It's not fair; I want a camera so I can take belly pics but I don't have one and digi-cams are so damned expensive... I'm ragin but maybe Santa will bring me one?!?!?

31/10/07

Happy Halloween! I think that finally my all-day-sickness is winding down! (Fingers crossed though!) It seems I can finally eat full meals again, and, although I am definitely not feeling great or 100%, I am feeling like I can cope and things aren't overwhelming me as much any more. Please PLEASE let this be the ending of the constant nausea! It is hard to get good sleep at the moment, because I constantly -- CONSTANTLY -- need to pee. The uterus must be bigger now because I did need to pee lots of weeks before, but now it is much worse, the urgency! I feel like someone's got their foot stamped down on my bladder the whole time... Maybe he/she does?! Heheh. Have my Mam, Da, and little bro over visiting me at the moment, which is GREAT, so I've been getting meals cooked for me etc. I'm loving it. Going home for ten days on 9/11/07, which I can't wait for. It's reading week then here at uni, so a good chance for me to visit with family and Stephen. Looking forward to my first scan the day before going home; 8/11/07. Exciting! I've said earlier here that we wanted to wait until the birth to find out the sex of the baby, but now I don't know, having seen everyone else writing about seeing what they're having! My will is waning! Definitely have a belly now so I am happy! Still easily hidden but I know it's there!

03/11/07

I had my first midwife appointment today, down the road at the hospital. It was supposed to be at 1 o'clock, so I was there on the dot, and the lady said, "Oh, Sue's out on visits today, and she's running late, so she's rung to say she'll be back at 2." So, I decided to wait in the waiting room, feeling AWFUL, with a splitting headache and horrible nausea (which is now waning I think but definitely still comes and goes). Got up once to go and be sick, and then waited on.... Went back to the ante-natal ward for 2, and she said "Oh, Sue is still running late, so she said she's really sorry and she'll be back at 3." ARRRGGGHH!!!!! Yes, I wanted to scream, but mostly I wanted to lie down! So she said wait here in the ward and she put me in the room where my meeting with the midwife would be, and there was a bed THANK GOD, so I lay down and waited and fell asleep! I did not care what she thought when she walked in to see me there sleeping! I hate that people think because you haven't got a huge belly yet, you aren't 'that pregnant' and that it couldn't possibly warrant you lying down for great big chunks of the day! They can all feck off!!! I feel AWFUL most of the time, and from what I've heard this is (or can be, for the unlucky ones) the WORST stage of pregnancy, so I am going to milk all the sympathy I can get! I'm going to have people carry things for me, and make tea for me, and play with my hair! So, anyway, it was great to get the appointment earlier when the lady finally came in, and she checked the blood pressure and urine sample, temperature, and weight, and all was fine. She took medical history and because I had Anorexia for a long time when I was in my teens, she will also get me in touch with a consultant... I don't feel I will need it but I know she's right to do that. Scan on Thursday and janey mac time is inching by! I'm loving this site it's so helpful and everyone is so lovely and supportive! I'm so glad I found it!

04/11/07 - 14 weeks

14 weeks! I can't believe it! God I need to get some work done! Home in five days...

08/11/07

OH MY GOD EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have just had one of the biggest shocks of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Apart from actually getting pregnant in the first place!!!) Had my first ultrasound today and I AM HAVING TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, TWINS!!! I cannot believe it!!! I could not get over the shock!!!!!!!!! A trainee-lady-nurse started off the ultrasound; rubbed the gel on my belly and moved the thingy around for about two seconds, and when the supervisor nursey woman saw the first pic on the screen, she said, "Ok, I think I'd better take over here," and of course I was scared, thinking she'd seen something terrible. (I was already really nervous about the scan, because it was my first one and I got myself in knots thinking about it -- couldn't sleep the night before). Then she said, "I'll break the news to you now," as she was still scanning around at these unrecognisable (so far!) shapes and staring at the screen. I was thinkin, what does she mean, she'll break the news to me? I already know I'm pregnant! That's why I'm here! And then she said, "There are two of them!" AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I am so glad I had my two good friends with me, to calm me down, because I got into a state!!! It was just so unexpected!!!! So, after the nurse-woman had checked all the different areas (still looking unrecognisable to me), she finally brought up full images of them on the screen!!! My two little babies!! Perfect so far; no signs of problems (touch wood) and completely recognisable little people! With arms and legs moving and kicking (0ne looked like he was waving!) and little hearts and brains and ribs and spines I could see everything!!! that calmed me down immediately! I could finally see their little shapes!!!! So, I still am not over the shock, and Stephen and my family and his are over the moon but SHOCKED as hell!!!! I don't know what the sexes are; in all the shock I did not think to ask whether or not she could tell, but I wouldn't have asked what they were yet anyway, because Stephen wasn't there for this scan. We will find out in December perhaps!!! Next scan: Dec 11th!!!! Girls, I cannot believe it!!! I am raging because I tried scanning my two pictures of my two babes, but it was so unclear I decided not to put them up, and maybe get myself to a better quality scanner somewhere!!! I would love to show you but I can't today!!!! BUT WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Double trouble!!! I am shocked but I don't mind at all as long as they will both be ok; please please let them be.

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Baby A and Baby B! I don't care what sexes they are as long as they are healthy! But if they both turn out healthy etc, of course it would be lovely if we got a boy and a girl! But really we do not care, just please God let them be healthy.

21/11/07

Well, here I am at 16 weeks, definitely showing now, and there was I thinking it would take me so long to have a belly to show off! Well, what with the two babas in there, it has expanded more quickly than I ever imagined! Still concealable though, if I wanted to conceal it that is! I have decided that, when I go home to Ireland for my Christmas holidays, I am going to stay there and not come back. Da rang me this morning saying that he and Mam had discussed it and felt that because it's twins I will need all the support I can get from my family, and that I would be taking on too much to go back to University after Christmas. I am of course very disappointed I will not get to finish my course, but I will do as much as possible while at home, and overall I am so happy to be going home and staying there at Christmas: It gave me such a feeling of relief to have that decision made today, I realised it had been worrying me. I am trying to get assignments done and feed myself well, and get my skin to heal (my face is still full of spots and it really gets me down). I am going on an iron supplement because it's twins and they are draining my iron level! And also on antibiotics at the moment for the Strep B I was recently informed I have, which I hate because I detest being on antibiotics at the best of times, let alone when I am pregnant. But, they say they are 'not known' to cause harm so I must trust that they know what they're on about, and in the long run it is better I get rid of this now rather than have my babies in danger during birth.

Right now, I'm just waiting really for Stephen to come over on the 10th of December, and for us then to go for our 20-week scan on the 11th, and then travel home together to Ireland on the 14th. I can't wait! I have definitely felt my babies move -- one more vigorously than the other, but I have definitely felt the other a little more vaguely. The one on my right was having a little party in there the night I went to see his Daddy play a gig during my holiday home on Reading Week! Wow it was amazing! He was doing somersaults or kicking and flailing in there! What a wonderful feeling -- he felt so strong and ALIVE! It was gorgeous! I love my babies! Hope everyone is well; I am so grateful for this site and all the advice and tips I've received, and all the friends I've made! It's great.

25/11/07

Two weeks tomorrow till my love gets here from Ireland! He will arrive on the 10th of December and we will have our scan the next day! I am so excited! We have decided we will probably not be able to resist finding out the sexes of our babies on that day (presuming they shall be courteous and show us their goods!)! Before, we were going to wait, but now that we have two babies to get to know -- two brand new tiny people to come into our lives -- we decided it might be better to find out so we can think of names and get organised! If we find these two babies to be healthy and developing well on that day, I will be so happy. That is the main thing to me; the real thing I worry about. I know that I am young and have no reason to think there would be anything wrong with either of them, but I have never been one of life's optimists, and tend to think negatively before positively, but I am slowly changing and becoming calmer and worrying less, with the help of my wonderful man and my determination to be a good mother...

My boobies are doing funny things at the moment -- I just got into my 17th week -- the bit around them has widened and darkened, and (now, I am sorry to share here, but this is my page!) sometimes leak something a tiny bit! It might sound disgusting to some people, but to me this is so exciting! All these changes! And yesterday I was singing my head off to myself in my room (I have always been a singer!) and I think I felt both babies move, most likely in protest! I am so excited all the time, I love to watch my belly of babies grow!

01/12/07 - 17 weeks and 6 days

Week 18 tomorrow, and this last week has been a week of tiredness, frustratedness, and worry. I can't help it, I worry all the time about everything; I worry about whether or not the babies are both ok in there, or if one is ok but the other isn't or something, and I worry about my belly size -- is it big enough, I wonder, for this number of weeks with twins? And then I tell myself not to worry, and so do other people, but I can't help it. I am tired and frustrated here at Aberystwyth, and more than ready to have Stephen come here for the scan, and then go home together. I am tired of waiting. That's all I am doing here; waiting. I probably won't be able to finish my course from home, for reasons I won't get into because it's all boring administration and money stuff, so now I feel no urge to do work here, and no inspiration to write either. I am tired out and frustrated, and on top of all that the girls I live with are all having petty fights amongst each other and coming to me to bitch about each other, and no one says anything to anyone's face, and it really frustrates me further. It must be because it is approaching end-of-term and everyone's tension is high, but I wish they would leave me out of it. I don't want to be involved; I just can't be arsed and I feel the need for peace. I hope my babies are ok in there, I hate not being able to check on them, and I want them to be growing and developing well and properly. It would be a nightmare for me to go to the scan and find out something horrible. I want that to be a happy day. I wish I could feel movements because they haven't really been doing much lately. That's another reason I worry so much. Anyway, that's my rant done with for today...

02/12/07

2nd of December and 18 weeks today! I feel ROUGH! It's terrible; I feel drained, ugly, unhealthy and awful. These babies are taking it out of me! On top of it all, I also look terrible, with my skin in absolute tatters and looking horrible. If the myth is true (a boy gives you beauty a girl takes it away) then I definitely have at least one girl in there! I have a terrible headache all day today, and just feel wrecked, no energy at all. No nausea mind -- I haven't had that for weeks now so I'm happy about that -- but it's just the constantly not feeling up to anything that gets me down. Can't do work properly -- no inspiration. I am just waiting and waiting for December 10th (Stephen arriving), Dec 11th (ultrasound!), and Dec 14th (going home!). I can't wait. The time is inching past. I miss my beautiful homeland and all my family and friends! I am going to be the happiest woman ever when I go to meet Stephen off that train next Monday. I will be so happy. I told him I'm finding it hard to write all the prose and poetry I'm supposed to be doing, and he said stop looking at it like it's work, and don't worry it'll be great! He's so good at motivating me and keeping me feeling good. He's so positive and wonderful.

No movements that I can feel from these babies today or for what feels like an age! But I've had lots of reassurement from my friends on this site that it is normal and that this early you're not necessarily supposed to feel them all the time. I cannot wait to see them on the screen again, so I can see if they're all right. I want to see those two heartbeats again!

09/12/07 - 19 weeks pregnant

Well today is the 9th of December -- my Daddy's birthday -- and tomorrow Stephen gets here! I cannot contain my excitement! His plane gets into Birmingham at 10:20am, and then he should get the 12:05 train, and I will be waiting in Aber for him at the train station, probably half an hour early! I need him so much now; I know I could not possibly wait another day. I am tired of waiting. It is going to lift me so high to be with him again! And then the day after tomorrow we will have our scan! We will get to see our babies! I hope they are both doing well and healthy! I went to the midwife last Tuesday (4th December), and got to hear the heartbeats (for the first time ever! it was amazing!), so that reassured me for a bit! You can't help worrying about them, hidden away from you in there. We will also be finding out the sexes hopefully! If they will show themselves. I know it can be harder to find them when there are two! We shall see... I will be so, so happy when Stephen gets here. I need him now, it's like a huge thirst!

11/12/07

Well not only is my man finally here with me, but we have also found out we are having A BOY AND A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are so thrilled! And both are healthy so far!!! When Stephen arrived yesterday he said he couldn't make up his mind about whether or not to find out because people kept telling him not to and to keep it as a surprise, but I was so dying to know at this stage that I just said, "Well let's wait and see how we feel when we're actually in the ultrasound room!" And then while she was doing the big long check of each of them (Baby A on the bottom and Baby B on the top) I just asked, "So, if we wanted to find out the sexes today would you be able to find them?" and she said, "I could have a look and try to find them all right, if you want! Would you like to?" And I looked at Stephen and asked him if he wanted to, and he just smiled and I said "Yes please!", and then she checked Baby A first, the one on the bottom, and I said straight away, "Is that what I think it is?!" and she said, "I think so, yes!" and she had another look around and it was DEFINITE!!! I could see that willy!!! Hahaha! We were thrilled! I just squeezed Stephen's hand and was so happy he would have his son! And then she checked Baby B, on top, and didn't see no testicles there! And so we saw our son and our daughter! I can't believe we know now! But I had such a feeling there was one of each; I just knew it! It is wonderful to know both of them are healthy!

18/12/07 - 20-weeks-and-a-bit

Burgeoning more and more with every day! My belly is definitely here! Myself and Stephen are trying to get a list of names together... I really am in love with the names Ailbhe and Liadan for our girl... Just can't decide which I love more... Our boys' names we are slower to get a list together for... Tonight I was thinking maybe Rúaidhrí, Donagh, Oisín, etc... (If you are not Irish you will most likely not have any idea how to pronounce these!)...

02/01/07 - 22 weeks and 3 days

So up-and-down emotionally; keep getting awful feelings of anxiety, irrational worry, etc. I imagine the worst things, I have terrible thoughts. I can't write them here. I get so depressed about having two kids on the way; it seems so soon, and I know it sounds so selfish but I keep thinking, I will never be free again. It sounds awful, I know, but I had so many ambitions, so many aspirations; I wanted to go on and do a masters in creative writing, be a writer, travel, have my times of decadence... Now all that seems impossible. I feel like I go from one trauma to the next in my life, from a tumultuous adolescence with depression and anorexia, to a horrific accident last year (2006) and now an accidental pregnancy which turns out to be two babies! Do not get me wrong -- I am a very motherly person, I have always wanted kids, and for the most part I have been admirably positive about everything, I feel, but I just get so scared now. It'd be different if I was financially stable and set up for life, but I am completely dependent right now on my family; neither myself nor my wonderful boyfriend have a proper income of our own. I hate being dependent and feeling so helpless. Also, I get so afraid of how my body will have changed during and after the pregnancy -- will I ever get back to what I was like before? Will I be covered in stretchmarks? Will I be saggy, fat and disgusting? I am used to being supple and slim and I am so afraid of what I will be like after. I am afraid my boyfriend won't remember what I was like before, and that it was actually once a good body! Ugh, I know I am being petty and vain and superficial... I just needed to write this out.

Other than all that, I really am -- for the most part -- managing to be positive! My man is wonderful -- I could never ever have asked for more support or love, and I feel so lucky! I love feeling our two babies move and kick and squirm in there! It happened a couple of weeks ago that I felt them from the outside for the first time, and it was amazing; I had given up waiting to feel them! And now Stephen has felt them too, and we love it. I love our babies already. We are finding it hard to think of names... Boys' names are more difficult to get a shortlist of...

07/01/08 - 23 weeks and one day

Well, I am now 23 weeks pregnant, and today my belly feels like it is STRETCHING. I feel uncomfortable and it's like all the muscles in my belly are being pulled tight, and those babies are growing fast in there. This kind of spurt happened a few weeks ago, and now it's happening again, and I'm sure the feeling will keep coming each time I get a growth-spurt until I am as big as I'm going to get! Already my back gets a bit sore and uncomfortable (imagine what I will be like later on in the pregnancy!) and I don't sleep very comfortably. I wake up feeling sore on whatever side I was lying on. I couldn't get to sleep for ages last night because whatever way the babies are lying, they are doing something to my bladder! I kept having to get up. It is very cold here today, but not as cold as it used to be in the winter; winters are getting warmer... What does that say for the world?! It is scary...

I am very emotional as usual, worrying about everything from the big things to the stupid, petty things. I have to stop worrying; it wears me out. It begins to feel I am fighting the pregnancy, and all the changes that come with this, and that is not good. I can't let myself do that. I have so much love, and although I always feel like I am a burden (and have always been a burden) to my family -- counting on them for EVERYTHING; financial support, a roof over my head, transport, etc -- I have to try and keep myself positive because I am so prone to pessimism and depression. I can't let myself go down that path again.

I wonder what it will be like to be a mother to two children; all the love that comes for them as soon as they arrive, like the milk! I can't imagine watching these two babies grow into children, into people of their own. I hope I can be a good mother to them.

20/01/08 - 25 weeks and one day

I am so lazy all the time, getting bigger and lazier as I go along! I have decided to do more walking; I used to do lots of long, brisk walks and stopped when I was so sick with morning sickness, bu now I really need to get more exercise. I also want to go swimming, but being a rather self-conscious person anyway (before pregnancy, etc) I don't know how I will fare showing off my half-naked body at a public swimming pool! But my sister said she might come with me so that would make things more bearable. I think I would really enjoy the water, the swim. The babies move around so much, I think they wake each other up in there, kicking off each other through the membrane. I love putting my hand on the patch of belly that's moving, and feeling how close they are to my hand, right underneath it! As I wrote in my previous updates, my feelings about the pregnancy do vary drastically depending on my state of mind, or the day, or my mood, etc. I sometimes feel scared, overwhelmed, unready; resentful, even. I struggle with these feelings but I don't try and deny or fight them because I know I just need to understand why I feel like this and to overcome it rather than try to ignore it. Other times, I am completely in love with being pregnant, after all, I am carrying the babies of the man I love; what could fulfill my primal desires more perfectly?! I love him so much, he is so supportive and loving and protective. We are so alike in so many ways, and I feel we were meant to be together. I am so honest with myself in my mind, that I know I would not be able to fool myself into thinking such a thing if it weren't true.

My skin is still quite bad, but improving (touch wood): My problem is I keep at it when it is bad, which only makes things much worse. I would do anything just to have a week or two in the hot sunshine, I know it would do wonders for my skin and for my mood! The winter has never suited me; I was a summer baby myself (7th of August '85) and it is definitely my season. I thrive in the sun. I was actually going to be travelling to Portugal with Stephen for a week tomorrow, but we decided against the flight because of the belly, and because taking any risks when it comes to the babies is just stupid. He is going there because his parents have an apartment there, and he is going to get some dental work done over there as it is so much cheaper to get done there than here. He needs about six fillings (!) I was raging not to be going with him, just for a dose of sun (even though it's not like it'll be majorly hot over there at this stage, it'll still be much better than Irish weather!) Anyway, hopefully we will get a good summer in Ireland this year -- we are owed one! Last summer was awful; muggy, cloudy, rainy, crap! I would like the first summer my babies arrive to be a beautiful one.

My mother has been wonderful, offering so much support. When I get depressed and worried, she makes me feel so much better, and also assures me I will get my old figure back, saying, "Niamh, you're lucky, I am here to help you; I will give you the help I never got when you all were born." I love her so much she is such a wonderful person and mother; a difficult woman to live up to, no joke.

22/01/08 - 25 weeks and 3 days

I feel so angry today about something in particular. There is a couple who live up the road from us here who are close friends of my parents', and have two adopted kids from Vietnam, and the husband also has two kids back in Holland from his previous marriage. They have both, at separate times, shown me in no uncertain terms that they think my pregnancy outside of marriage is bad and wrong, by telling me/asking me not to answer any of their young sons' questions about my pregnancy etc. This has really hurt me but at the times I felt myself get really flummoxed by what they were saying, and had I been properly 'with it' I would have replied in strong words and sentiments to what they were saying, but I didn't get the chance to because I was so flustered by their meaning. I can't believe they would dare to treat me with such little respect regarding my pregnancy -- after all, at 22, I am an adult, and cannot exactly see how they can dare to take the moral high-ground (the husband having left his first wife for the other woman (my parents' friend Jeanne) while she was pregnant with their second child. I feel like they are holding me up as an example to their children about what is morally wrong. They are instilling prejudices into the minds of their children. Ron, the husband, said something else about it to me the other night, something about marriage, and the conversation around the table was about to move on, but I said, "What were you saying about marriage, Ron?" and he said, "Well, you know, people get married before they have kids..." And I said, "That's a bit old-fashioned, don't you think?" And he said, "Well, it's the natural progression...", etc. and I WISH I had said more back to him but again the words escaped me, even though ordinarily I am very articulate and strong-willed and will do anything to get my point across and be interpreted clearly. I feel so angry, and, because my sister and I were discussing them earlier on today, I can't clear my mind of it, and feel the anger brewing. I want to bring it up with them again so I can properly call them on it, but how should I do this? How to engage them in a similar conversation again? I want to say it straight out to them, how they have insulted and hurt me, but my sister advises against it, I don't know why. She thinks I should go about it more subtly. I feel so strongly that I can't let them away with this, for my own sense of dignity and pride. They have watched me grow up from a young teenager to an adult, and feel they have the higher ground I suppose. They have always talked down to me and acted as though they feel they are parent figures to me and my siblings; like figures of authority, moral and otherwise. I am so annoyed, so angry, and feel I don't want to know them any more because of how they've behaved towards me. The time I came home from university after my first scan and just after we had found out it was twins, I came home from the airport all excited and happy, and the first thing Jeanne (the wife) said to me was, "Don't say anything to Jack or Tri, about the babies etc, I want to answer any questions they have myself..." or something to that effect, and at the time I didn't know how to reply, as I didn't really know what she was getting at. Now, though, I really want to communicate to them somehow that I am an adult and demand respect. Any advice on how to make it clear to them I will not be disrespected?

25/01/08 - 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant

Well, I am almost 26 weeks pregnant, and I feel my babies move around so much! I love it! They shudder my whole belly with their kicks and wiggles and squirms, and they feel so strong! I have another scan on Tuesday as I have to go for one every two weeks, and this time Stephen can't come as he is in Portugal at the moment, but my best friend Niamh is coming instead, she can't wait! She is fascinated with my belly and even bought me a pregnancy cushion thing to help me sleep the other day! I am getting bigger and bigger, and sometimes I cannot imagine getting bigger than this! But I know I will... Anyway, I am not being very productive as far as university work is concerned; I can't seem to get motivated or inspired, and all my work counts on that, as it is all creative writing. This evening I will have the house to myself, though, so I am going to try my best to get something started. I really need to get going!

27/01/08 - 26 weeks pregnant

The babies comforted me this morning by kicking me and moving about as much as ever, after I woke up from really strange and quite upsetting dreams about them. It was horrible; I mean, just upsetting really, and I woke up after the first dream only to go back to sleep and dream another one just as unnerving! They were probably brought on by 'maternal anxiety', anyway, in the first dream, we were having the babies, we were in the hospital, and I can't really remember what else happened until we were about to leave the hospital, and somebody came in to visit and started talking to us, and I said to them, "Look, we have a baby, our little girl," and Stephen and I were all happy and smiling and showing our little baby girl to the visitor, and then suddenly it dawned on me, we were supposed to have a son as well, and I looked at Stephen, shocked, and said "Where's our little boy? We were supposed to have a boy as well!" and he looked all sad and then a doctor came and explained to me that the baby boy had never really been alive in the womb, and that he was born dead. It was awful; such a horrible dream, and sorry for sharing it with you if it upsets you to read it but I had to share it I was so upset, I woke up and was so confused, and then I felt them move and was so thankful they were alive and well and ok in there! It was such a horrible dream...

Then I went back to sleep and had another one, and this one wasn't so bad, but it was still really anxious and nervy, and made me all nervy when I woke up: We were in the hospital and this time I'd had to have a caesarean, so I missed the whole first day of our babies being around, because I was drugged up and asleep. So when I woke up (in the dream) from the anaesthetic, I was very anxious and just had to see the babies, I had to feed them, it was this overwhelming urge to be able to breastfeed them NOW, it was such a strong feeling. My friend Fiona was there for some reason, and I was saying to her, "Come on Fiona I have to go upstairs and see the babies, where are they?" and I got up to run, and she said, "No, no, wait here, I'll go up and check if it's ok for you to go and see them," and I said, "No, I'll be allowed to see them, they're mine, they'll let me," but she just tried to distract me by giving me a PSP game thing to play with, even though I have never been into those yokes! So it didn't work and I followed her. We got upstairs to a room where there were loads of cots of babies, and I knew immediately which ones were ours because they looked just like Stephen in the photos I've seen of him as a toddler! It was weird but in the dream it didn't seem weird that they were already looking about 2 years old, I was just so happy to see them, and wasn't surprised at all in the dream that they were so big and developed! I just knew they were ours, they both looked just like Stephen, and both had his blue eyes, then also I noticed that his mother was sitting beside them. They were both sucking brightly-coloured lollipops, and I thought to myself, they'll never want the breastmilk now, they've got those really sugary-sweet things to suck on. And with urgency I went over to the nurse and said, "Can I feed them?" because I was worried I wouldn't have milk any more, for some reason, like maybe it had been too long since they'd been born for me to feed them, even though it had only been a day. So I picked up one of them and tried to feed him or her, not sure which one, but of course it wouldn't work, and I was just overwhelmed with worry and disappointment; I felt like I'd missed out on this huge part of their development or something... And then I woke up.. It was the weirdest thing ever, and I realised when I woke up that it was probably just all the anxiety that goes with being a mother etc... Mum was explaining that to me before... It was bizarre, and waking up after those dreams to find I was still pregnant and the babies were still moving strongly and were ok was so reassuring...

Other than that, I am having pain in my ribs these days, like the babies are right up under them now or something, or perhaps they are expanding to make more room. I have another scan on tuesday so fingers crossed the babies are doing as well as they were last time. Stephen is still away in Portugal until Thursday and I am missing him so, so much. He is missing me too and just can't wait to get back here. Maybe the 'nesting' period has started as, although I am normally an incredibly messy, untidy person, I have, in the last couple of days, tidied my entire room, and hoovered it, and changed the bed linen, etc, etc. Very, very unlike me... I wonder if it'll stay this way! I've been going for more walks but still haven't had the chance to go swimming yet. Maybe I'll get to go one day week coming. My back hurts sometimes, especially the right side of it, and my right breast (the one that always leaks) was really sore when I woke up the other day, I mean really sore, and it felt swollen and was leaking a lot. I read up about it and it said it's just the glands and milk ducts preparing for after the babies are born. It's not hurting any more...

10/02/08 - 28 weeks

I am so, so depressed. I have always been prone to depression, and was actually on anti-depressants before I got pregnant, and when I found out I was pregnant, I came off them. I have coped well over all I think, but am finding the days very hard at the moment. I am still enrolled in university, and have a lot to do before I finish, but am not getting any work done at all; it has come to a complete stand-still. I do English Literature and Creative Writing, so a lot of what I have to do is creative and has to come from me, but I feel so uninspired, so uncreative: It's like pregnancy is draining me of my creativity and I am getting nothing done. It is a downwards spiral because I get depressed about not doing work, and that makes me too tired and down to try, and so it goes on and on. I wish I could be productive, but I have no energy. I miss my old body and have zero confidence. I am afraid of what my body will be like after I've had these babies, and I am afraid of having no life. I am being very selfish, I know, but I am knackered and feeling awful. All I want to do is curl up and do nothing, only then I feel even worse because nothing -- nothing -- creative is being done in my life...

Other than all this boring depression stuff, I am fine and healthy enough I think. I take all my vitamins, Omega 3, and iron, and I am eating healthily. The babies move around a lot and feel stronger and stronger, which I am happy about. Another scan on Tuesday up in Holles Street, and we will see how they are getting on and how much weight they've gained etc. Stephen is wonderful with me as usual, always giving me pep-talks and treating me like a queen; I love him so much. He gives me so much love and happiness, and he makes me feel completely loved and at ease. I just wish I could hide my depressed side from him, but sometimes I can't help melting into tears. I get so paranoid, too, because I feel so unattractive and big, and I worry that someone else will snap him up (!)... My worries get so bad they go beyond irrational. He gives me no reason to be paranoid or jealous but I get like that anyway. My mood sways with violence from one extreme to the other, and I get so touchy and up-in-arms sometimes; I am sure I am very difficult to live with. I want the babies to be healthy, and I know I love them, I just can't help feeling I want my body back to myself again. The process has felt so long, and I am already so heavy and uncomfortable, I just can't imagine getting bigger and even more uncomfortable. I am all complaints these days...

16/02/08 - 29 weeks pregnant tomorrow

I am very big now, and not too uncomfortable yet but definitely finding sleep more difficult and it is progressively harder to put socks and shoes on! Since I got pregnant my bra size has gone up from 34 D, to 38 D, to 40 C! My ribs are expanding at a great rate to make room for these babies, and the muscles around them hurt and twinge so much sometimes. I thought I would get used to not being able to sleep on my front, but throughout this entire pregnancy I have definitely not gotten used to it; I still yearn to roll onto my front, and sometimes lie awake at night knowing that if I could just lie on my front I would conk out. I rub oil and lotion into my belly every day twice a day in order to try and keep stretchmarks away, and I still don't know yet if it will have been a waste of time! Oh well it never hurts to keep the skin moisturised and supple as possible, and I won't know for a while yet whether or not I will get the scars. I am 29 weeks tomorrow. If I was to go full-term with these twins, I would have 11 weeks left...

I struggle every day to ward off the depression that threatens me, and some days I am successful, others not. It's like constantly treading water just to keep your head above the surface. Work for university is going nowhere, but I ordered a load of books from Amazon so that I will keep reading, keep inspired, and then hopefully write something good for this damned writing project. I am desperate to be creative, productive, but my brain, inspiration and creativity seem to be drained during the whole pregnancy. I am so consumed by it that my mind cannot get free enough in order to write. I didn't realise how all-consuming pregnancy would be. Our latest scan was on Tuesday 12th February, and the sonographer said to me, "You're probably not managing to get much writing done, are you?" and I was so surprised that she knew this and she was dead right! When I said, "No, I'm really not," she nodded and said, "Yes, strange things happen to the brain during pregnancy..." So true, and I felt so glad to have my feelings validated: my inability to achieve anything creative seemed understandable all of a sudden; seemed excusable. I get the odd burst of inspiration, but it fizzles out after about a paragraph. I keep reading though, knowing it keeps the juices going. I feel I need to validate myself as a person by creating. I feel that, otherwise, I am not worthwhile; I am a waste of space. At the moment, I am just a vessel. That's how I feel. A vessel for these two other lives, these two other people. And yet, I feel desperate to use the short time I have now before they get here, because I know I will have no time to myself at all after they're born. How did I get myself into this mess? In the summer, before this happened, I was finally becoming carefree for the first time in my life; the world seemed a friendlier place for me and I felt the future stretch out before me like a red carpet; I was almost finished university, I was on my way to becoming a novelist, a poet, and I wanted to travel. Freedom was in my hands. Now, I am trapped. I love my babies, but I do struggle with that fact. I would love for Stephen and me to have had more time together alone before they were created; time to travel together, to linger in lust and carefree times before we were tied down. I do feel guilty for having these feelings, but I know they are only natural. Stephen is wonderful as always, and brought me roses and chocolates on Valentine's Day, even though I wasn't expecting anything. He gives me so much love and happiness, he is the only one who lifts me, makes me feel able and strong. He is the perfect man for me: Understanding, laidback yet serious too, manly but so tender, so, so affectionate, and he sees the best in me. I don't know how I got so lucky. He is what keeps me going.

29/02/08 - 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant

Had a scan on Tuesday (26th Feb), and found out our baby boy is BREECH! The doctor said he may still turn, but that if he doesn't turn before 34 weeks then he definitely won't. He said if he hasn't turned by our 34-week scan appointment, we will have an appointment made there and then for a Caesarean-section for 38 weeks! If he has turned, then I will be induced at 38 weeks, so either way the babies will be here in just over seven weeks! I cannot believe it... Time is going so quickly. So, after all that, I kind of got my head around having a C-section, and made my peace with it, and then the next day (early evening, after having sex) me and Stephen went downstairs to make dinner and I was having an awful pain on the lower right-hand-side of my belly (presumably where the baby boy resides!) like a really bad stitch -- that kind of sensation -- and it was really painful. Both the babies (girl up high, boy down low) kept throwing really weird shapes, jutting out at weird parts of my belly, and causing me a lot of discomfort (they always move around, but this was very weird, they felt like big, big movements they were making, like proper rearrangements going on in there!) I was in a lot of pain, so I would not be surprised at all if baby boy has turned... Does it sound like that could be what was going on? Them changing positions? I know it sounds awful, but I was all for a vaginal delivery and wanted things to be as natural as possible, but after hearing I would probably have to have a C-section, I kind of felt relieved (!) and happy that I would be able to pee without agony after their birth (!) -- I am such a wimp... I have been against having a C-section all the way through this pregnancy, but when I heard I would probably have to have one I felt relieved and now I am wondering whether or not he turned that evening!... Anyway, from the scan on Tuesday we also learned that they are both growing beautifully (doctor's word!) -- Baby Boy 3 pounds 15 ounces; Baby Girl 3 pounds 4 ounces! I am getting bigger and bigger by the day, and I do wonder how I can go another 8 weeks with these two growing in here! They are taking all the space they can and I don't know how much more I can give them! We have pretty much decided for definite on the girl's name: 'Liadan'. I am letting Stephen have the final say on the boy's name, so we'll see! I am happy with 'Liadan' for our daughter; it is an Irish name, but it isn't common (in fact, I don't know any people with that name), and it means 'Grey Lady'. It is from a legend about a poetess called Liadan... Another reason I like it! I never realised how difficult it would be to choose names though! At least we finally have our baby girl's name...

03/03/08 - 31 weeks and 1 day pregnant

I am so uncomfortable and tired; I can't believe I have seven more weeks of this to go. And how on earth can my poor belly be expected to get bigger?! Surely that is not possible?! My mother and I went shopping for babies' things for the first time today. It's sad but I find it really hard to get all excited about babies' things; I think this is all still a shock to me and really hard for my to imagine. I can't get excited, or maybe it's more like I feel I amn't allowed get excited, or shouldn't, because this was an accidental and ill-timed pregnancy, and I can't help feeling that it's the wrong time, but my mother reassures me and so does Stephen... I wish I could get excited when I look at all the cute, tiny baby clothes we bought today, but I can't help feeling like they are for someone else, and someone else's babies... My mother said that the way I am feeling is natural, and that no matter what stage women are at in their lives when they get pregnant, they are scared shitless! (I was glad to hear this!)

14/03/08 - 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant

We had another scan on Tuesday 11th March; both babies doing wonderfully, "growing beautifully", according to the doctors, and weighing 4lb (girl) and 4lb 3oz (boy). But Baby Boy is still breech. I was so sure he had turned since the last scan, as I felt some huge (and painful) movements the day after it, but evidently he has not. The doctor (an arrogant, falsely-nice man whom I have only met twice in that terrible baby-factory, Holles Street Hospital) said we will book the Caesarean-section at the next scan appointment at 34 weeks, on the 25th of March. The operation will be booked for 38 weeks. The babies must not have very much room in there, so it is understandable that baby boy has not turned, but at first I was optimistic about the idea of a caesarean-section, and now I am so afraid of it. I suppose that's because I have had time to think more deeply about it and read up on what it involves, and how the body recovers, etc. At first, I thought, Wonderful; no having to go into labour, no lacerated and stitched-up vagina; just a nice, clean, straight wound, a calm operation, everything controlled... Now, I have read up on Caeasarean-sections, and realise that, usually, recovery takes much longer after them than it does with natural delivery (I so wanted to go the natural route), which is obvious to me now, seeing as I have realised that it is major abdominal surgery. I also read that it is harder to get one's figure back after a c-section than after natural delivery because the cut through those precious abdominal muscles. I so, so wanted to be able to get my pre-pregnancy figure back, I had a good figure -- slim, flat-belly, proportionate features (not to brag, here, but you understand how I feel!) -- and I am so young, really, at 22, and did not have it in my plans that I would be sacrificing my figure so soon. I have nightmares of slack belly-skin -- that dreaded 'mother's apron' flap -- and of more stretchmarks etched on me like punishments (I have already found 2 stretchmarks on my lower abdomen -- one one each side. I was depressed for a whole day after that. I know this sounds incredibly vain but I don't care.) I know that the main thing is that the babies are healthy, and I will be so happy if I get to deliver them safely into healthy lives, but I can't help feeling despair and fear and anxiety over the thought of being doomed to a body I cannot bear to look at... Aside from all that, I am usually in all-right form, but not managing to get much done for the writing project: Getting my degree is beginning to seem pretty impossible... Stephen is wonderful as always; looks after me so much, wants me to be happy, gives me so much love and affection I can hardly believe it... The babies' movements really have peaked this week; big, big movements and baby girl is lying at the top of my belly, transverse, so that when she stretches out I can feel her feet on one side of the belly, while her head sticks out on the other side! I love cupping them and feeling their growing strength. They are strong, healthy babies, and please god will enter the world that way. I keep getting Braxton Hick's contractions after sex, they come regularly and are not painful, only slightly uncomfortable, and last for hours after sex, sometimes all through the day or night, depending on when we've had sex. They only started recently -- I have not had them at all during pregnancy until very recently.

17/03/08 - 33 weeks and 1 day pregnant

Had a bit of a drama the other night: Stephen and I went up to a gig for a friend's EP launch, and I was getting Braxton Hicks all evening -- just the tightening of the belly, no pain, just a bit of discomfort -- after having had sex. Then, towards the end of the night, I felt like I was getting period pains, quite intense ones, and then I was getting pain in my lower back. I was getting these pains and the tightening quite regularly, and it seemed to be getting more intense, so I said it to Stephen, and he said, well, we're in Dublin anyway, we may as well go to Holles Street and check it out... Little did I know, of course, that they are very reluctant to let you go home if you come and admit yourself and have been having pains and are expecting a litter! I was raging... After the internal (highly unpleasant!) the nurse told me my cervix was closed, so I thought, Great, they'll let me go home now, and the pains had stopped. But no, they wanted to give me a shot of steroids and have me stay in all night for monitoring, and then give me another shot of steroids 12 hours later... Well, it was now about 3am and they had been trying to keep track of both babies' heartbeats for ages and I just knew everything was fine and that nothing was going to happen, but they really wanted me to stay in (to cover their own arses I suppose) because they're twins and twin 1 is breech, but I put my foot down, saying I'd take the shot of steroids if they let me go home, and they said yes but I'd have to come in the next day for the second shot. I said fine but then did not go in the next day, and got a phonecall the next evening saying, "Where were you for your second shot?"! Woops... So we went in today and got it... I just thought, well, what's the point? I know these babies won't be coming early, and I should have known it was nothing when I was feeling those pains the other night... Oh well, it was a dry run, as Stephen said; a kind of practice... Even though when the real day to give birth comes it will be a scheduled day; all planned and readied-for... I am so tired today; Paddy's Day tomorrow and we have no plans as yet, but Stephen says he doesn't want to go out drinking anywhere if I'm going too, because he won't be able to relax because of what happened the other night, and I feel very old and very pregnant and I miss any trace of carefreeness I had before! I told him nothing's going to happen and I just want to go out and have a bit of a laugh and not go mad or anything (it's not like I'd be drinking!!) but he is reluctant to do that so we may just go to his and ask some people over or something... Oh I need to have these babies and have my body back. I am tired. Five weeks to go...

30/03/08 - 35 weeks pregnant

These babies are SO BIG! I feel their sizes now with my hands, and it is amazing to feel how big they are in there! They push off each other and push each side of my belly out at the same time. At our last scan, 25-03-08 (last Tuesday), they weighed 5lb 3oz (boy) and 4lb 150z (girl)! So those are really good weights! Our caesarean-section is scheduled for 22nd April and that is 3 weeks away! I can't believe it! But our next scan is 8-04-08, and if the babies are good weights at that scan, and our shown to be as healthy as possible, then I will ask the doctor to bring the date of the c-section forward a week. I am uncomfortable and so stretched, and I just want my body back! I know that the sooner they are out, the sooner I have to actually look after them (!) but I need to be comfortable again! And the sooner I have the operation, the sooner recovery can begin... I will see what they say... I found my first stretchmarks a couple of weeks ago, and got really, really depressed, but they weren't bad then. They are much worse now. They are kind of purple-coloured and quite itchy, and they are multiplying... I hate them, and am angry because I tried so hard not to get them... I reckon that if I was only having one baby I wouldn't have got them, because I never would have grown this big, and this fast. Oh well, it is all worth it as long as the babies are healthy. When I got upset about them in front of Stephen, he just kissed them! He is amazing... I don't know where I'd be without him...