niknak's profile

niknak
niknak is 5 days overdue and is now in week 40
	Age: 33 Country: US Province/region: Washington City: Seattle Partner: Tyler Children: Pregnant: Yes Due date: 08 Oct ,2008 Occupation: LIVING
	Online: 16 days ago. Last updated: 140 days ago. Member since: 197 days
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WELCOME TO NIKNAK'S PAGE!!

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago. While trying to get my medications just right for me, I began using drugs and a lot of alcohol...self medicating. Well, I've been clean and sober since December of 2007, thanks to drug and alcohol treatment, Alcoholics Annonymous, and Al-Anon. Not to mention the close support I've gotten from people I've met in my programs. My pregnancy has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I do not care about hearing my baby's heart beat or seeing an ultrasound. I am able to take a few of my bipolar meds, but not enough to really help. I see my psychiatrist once a week and run the risk of having post partum psychosis. I have a lot of anger and rage that I control by isolating myself. My emotions have put a huge strain on mine and my boyfriend's relationship. I try my best to not look pregnant so people don't ask me my due date, or even worse, touch my belly. I love kids and babies and I have always dreamed of being pregnant and being a mom, but dealing with bipolar along with that is overwhelming. I am a spiritual person and pray that God will help me. I'm still alive so he's doing something. I don't know what the hell stickydust is, but if anyone could fax me some, that would be great. I'm not looking for pitty, but if anyone can relate to any of my mess of a life, don't be afraid to leave a comment. Or even just to tell me I just depressed the hell out of you! Good luck to all! Thanks for reading.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

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Comments 126-150 to niknak
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brie - Thursday, 15 May
Hi how have you been?

I keep reading about all of these Moms finding out what they are having and I was wondering if you know or are waiting for it to be a surprise? I think a surprise would be fantastic but I don’t think I could wait that long to find out :)

brie - Monday, 12 May
Happy Mother's Day!!!

agonzales - Saturday, 10 May

livinjoy - Thursday, 8 May
Just saying hellllo! How are things going?
Dawn

judi - Thursday, 8 May
Hi, I had the scan yesterday, and Baby is developing well. Always worry about problems, because I'm older. But she's fine. Yes, SHE! We're having a little girl. I'm SO HAPPY! Kept telling myself I didn't mind what gender, but really I was totally hoping for a girl.

brie - Wednesday, 7 May
I just got my POSITIVE!! I'm so excited we've been waiting for so long. I took your advice this month and rested my hips on a big stack of pillows after we BD. I guess it worked :) I hope your days get brighter. Take care and keep in touch!

sharra - Wednesday, 7 May
Hey, thanks for your response. Yes, we told her and she is very excited. She is still grasping the idea- a little much at first. How are you doing? How are you feeling? How is the bf situation. I was thinking about you and the church situation and hope you can find a church buddy, that would be good for you. Take care, keep in touch.

sharra - Wednesday, 7 May
It's a BOY!

melissa-s - Saturday, 3 May
we miss ehr horribly, and it is very hard not bring able to see her very much, but I know she is getting taken very well care of and she will be home within the next week hopefully. the kids have been told, but I dont think they fully understand what happened, especially not my 19 month old. yeah she is pretty cute huh?? lol

wilsonwilson - Saturday, 3 May
Hi, I wish I could say I was joking about it lol I have had a strange growth of hair all over my body lol. I am glad I made you laugh I wish my DH found it as funny lol, have a good one x

judi - Saturday, 3 May
Hi! How are you doing? I'm doing okay. Looking forward to the scan on Wednesday this coming week. My husband will come with, this time, which will be nice. I'm happy to be feeling baby move more, but you know it still doesn't seem real. With your new camera, can we expect to see some more pictures on your profile page?

melissa-s - Saturday, 3 May
just put up pics of my little baby who was 5 weeks early. shes stilll in the nicu. i miss her so much

livinjoy - Thursday, 1 May
Niknak, thanks for replying to my posts. Things are often difficult for many reasons. My hubby has some very similar stuggles as you do. Maybe not to the extent that you have had but battles lots of internal wars. I am sorry your world is a dark place right now and seems to have been for quite a while. I will be praying for you. My hubby involves himself in my hobbies and supports me so I don't think it is to the extreme my emotions/hormones are telling me. He has been praying alot, and will listen to me when I dump on him. That is all I can really ask for and leave the rest up to God to work on the insides. I am definitely not as capable LOL. I am not offended at all by your writing and I appreciate you taking the time. I have learned through some pretty serious life trials that often the things we see as the worst are being used for the best...God does work in ways we will never understand and he is trustable (is that a word?) Talk to you soon!

judi - Thursday, 1 May
Hi, I hope the new anti-anxiety medication helps you out. Baby should be pretty right, by this stage. He/she is most vulnerable in the first trimester, and the last few weeks. You know, I don't feel really connected to this baby yet, either. Don't really expect to, until the birth, because well, partly I'm afraid to, in case something goes wrong, and also it's hard to feel much about someone you can't see, even tho you know he/she is there. As an animal lover, I know you'll love being a mother, and if there's times you feel you can't cope (happens to all of us!), don't be afraid to reach out to those around you. Have you had any ultrasounds? Do you know if baby is boy or girl? Not that that makes much difference, but might help you get used to the idea of having a baby. Take care, and God bless.

judi - Thursday, 1 May
I love your photos, by the way. You're very pretty, and I must say, as a cat lover myself, your kitties are just adorable. You obviously love animals. I'm sure you'll be an excellent mom! Before I started having kids, I used to have cats. Started with four, but at one stage I had 19. They're great. Now have only one cat, but 5 and half kids!

judi - Thursday, 1 May
Hello, niknak! Thanks for the message on my page - that's kind of you to chat just 'cause I don't get many comments!
I can both relate to and understand where you're coming from. I have a degree in psychology, which gives me some insight, but I've never worked with bipolar disorder. But I have "been there", regarding alcohol abuse. AA helped me a lot, but it was a small town group, and after a few meetings, I found we were just repeating the same stories over and over, and it seemed a little psychologically weird - almost cult-ish - so I stopped going to meetings. Gradually I'm having fewer drinking binges. Recently down to only one or two a year, but they last a week or more. Haven't had any since getting pregnant. For a while there, when I was about 26 to 30 years old, I was drinking every day, often to the point of blackouts in the evening. And this was when my older kids were little. So I'm not in a position to pass any judgements.
As for connecting with the baby, hey, don't sweat it. With your first, particularly, it probably won't seem real until after baby is born, and even then, you'll be adjusting for a while. Might seem like a dream sometimes. Pregnancy brings out the best and worst in moods, and having to adjust your meds would make that whole hormone trip so much more extreme. I don't feel sorry for you. In a way, you're in a difficult situation, but overcoming it and learning through it, will make you a stronger person and a better person. Have faith that things will be okay. God/Fate/the Universe doesn't dish out more than you can handle. You'll be fine. Your a woman and a beautiful person. Your honesty confronting what your facing is your strength. Take care.
*hugs*

johnsbabymama - Wednesday, 30 April
Thanks for the reply. Although you might not like the idea of something growing inside of you. Think about it this way, this is thing is half of you and you boyfreind combined. And if you love you boyfriend like i love mine, then you will love this little person you both created even more than you would ever love him. When i think about having my baby i think of it as, if ever something happen to my realationship with my boyfriend (hopful it won't) then i will never be alone, i will always have my child that will love me no matter what. Sometimes when my boyfriend acts like an asshole i think to myself, screw you jack ass i will have my baby soon and thats all i need. I know things are rough, it seems like i cry everyday. Do you cry a lot? or are you more manic, and getting angery. DO you feel lonley? that how i feel so alone. well keep your head up.

firsttimeinvonda - Wednesday, 30 April
I will keep you in my prayers and hope that everything gets straightened out for you before your little one comes along. I know things are hard but remember that you will have someone who loves you unconditionally everyday. When times are hard the baby will be there for you. If you need to talk I am here and I hope for the best. I will add you on my friendsnetwork if you don't mind and check up on you occasionally. I wish for the best and remember that somebunny loves you and it is your baby and god......

sharra - Wednesday, 30 April
Good idea, if the church is too big, a smaller one might be ideal. I had a great weekend, did alot of potting and yard work and was pooped. My dog had surgery on Friday and she still has a temp, so I have been babying her with chichen noodle soup ans such. She is 10 years old and I am a little worried. Animals are such a big part of being complete. Good luck with the boyfriend situation. Men are not easy to deal with. Take care.

firsttimeinvonda - Tuesday, 29 April
I am sorry you feel the way you do towards your unborn baby I find that pregnancy is a wonderful thing even with all the aches and pains. I just gave birth to my first baby 13 days ago and she is the most precious thing I have ever seen. I hope things change for you and that you can feel more positive about things in the future. I will pray for you and hope that you can love your baby like I do.

johnsbabymama - Tuesday, 29 April
Hello, just wondering how everything is going for you so far. I was reading your page and i do understand what your going through. I myself am bi polar, but not to the extent that you are. I do have my moments. Like this past sunday i was so upset my boyfreind wanted me to clean the kitchen, but wouldn't help me, or let me take a nap, i flipped out and started breaking things and hitting him. And pregnancy sometimes adds to all the stress and things you are already going through in life. But i also wanted to say my mother had very bad bi polar and it really made my life HELL, so remember your baby and how you want it to have a wonderful child hood.

~*courtney*~ - Tuesday, 29 April
awwwww that's so sad... how could anyone be so cruel????? He's sooo cute still!!!!! Luckily you're his angel!!!!