My profile

No idea what to write here..lol...hmmm

i have PCOS and was always told by my doctors that I would have trouble getting pregnant. But instead of focusing on the negative I did a load of research and learned that because 1 in 5 women have PCOS it is now considered normal. I then went to an amazing seminar on PCOS with a range of doctors, nurses and women who had specialised and lived with PCOS and came out knowing lots more abut the link to diabetes and the fertility side of things and also about the different drugs I could take to help me. ( I was on Dianette to regulate things).

After alot of thought I decided to conquer PCOS naturally. so through exercise and healthy eating I lost a load of weight (had to work very very hard though!) and I actually started feeling alot better! not so tired, not sick after I ate etc. (I cut out 95% of breads, glutens and wheats out of my diet and relied on veg to give me my carbs) and then I went off the pill simply because the doctor told me that I couldn't use that particular type anymore.

so after a couple years of retraining my body to do what I wanted it to do...it did.. and now I am pregnant!

pleasantly surprised as it wasn't exactly planned but it feels like the right time now and I am soo excited!

My Partner

I am incredibly lucky to have Jon in my life and 2 weeks before we found out we were expecting we got engaged. Jon is a dream. he cooks, cleans, irons, cleans more, works really hard, is always available for a cuddle, and is incredibly tuned in to my needs. He is the man I am going to enjoy spending the rest of my life with and that is such an exciting prospect!

for him the baby is an exciting and scary thing. he has never been around babies alot and so is a bit nervous about what to do with them but I know he will simply be a natural!

The Pregnancy

The discovery-

So with Pcos my cycles had never really been reliable until the last year where they seemed to start understanding what they needed to do. So when I was late I thought nothing of it. In fact I didn't even register that I was late! And then one evening I was out with the girls celebrating my engagement and they had just cracked a joke about not getting pregnant till after the wedding and it was like a giant hand slapped itself onto my shoulder. This total pressure to remind me that I had not started my cycle yet...was I indeed pregnant? what would happen if I was? oh my god panic! no don't panic! oh my god i've been Drinking!

needless to say I stopped drinking alcohol that evening and then spent all night long counting days in my head trying to work out my cycle. The next morning when I woke up I thought right best way to figure this out is to do a test (just happened to have one at home.. don't ask..lol) and so while Jon was asleep I pee'd on the stick and before 10 seconds was up it said positive!

after a complete freak out in the bathroom (total mixed emotions) i crawled back into bed and while jon was still asleep started telling him that I thought I might be pregnant. After a few moments of denial he rolled over (more awake) and asked if I was kidding!

Jon spent the rest of the morning in denial whilst I went to work and on my way picked up another pack of tests. then at work I did those and lo and behold both shiny positives. I then spent a good loooong time talking to Jon on the phone who was still in denial but after the initial shock he and I started to get excited. this is what I have wanted for sooo long and to be able to do this with Jon is one of the best gifts I have ever received.

5 or 6 weeks

so at either 5 or 6 weeks I started cramping and had some spotting. it was like someone was stabbing my in my lower ab and then turning the knife only to take it out and stab me again. the pain had me doubling over unable to move sometimes. so off to the doctors I went and was sent for an emergency ultrasound. Jon came with me and we got to see our little Blobby/Blobbina. well we could only see the gestational sac and the yolk sac... the nurse told us it was measuring at 5 weeks and that we would need to come back again so she could measure the progress and make sure everything was ok.. and then she said that the gestational sac was measuring at 14mm. and when I researched that online I found that that was indicative of a miscarriage if I was only 5 weeks... so keeping positive which was very hard I decided she had made a mistake. and simply became paranoid about it...

week 7

so morning sickness had hit during week 6 and i was like ok I can handle this and then one morning I woke up and was violently ill first thing.. then I was ill again and again and again... I went to the doctor and he signed me off work for a week. I was thinking if this is morning sickness i will die from it! how did all those other women survive this? for 3 days i couldn't move literally! I just laid there with Jon trying to get me to eat and drink stuff... and then Jon came home from work one day with it... now I put 2 and 2 together then.. Jon can't have morning sickness! we had the FLU! oh evil flu! it went away eventually and jon was left right as rain.. I got back to normal nausea occasional puking and wanting to sleep al the time!

week 8

this week we are scheduled for our second ultrasound to make sure everything is fine.. I am very very nervous but trying not to think about it so have been thinking about the fact that my job is finishing in a week and I haven't got another to replace it.. crap! but have had an interview for one and so am desperately hoping they take me on.. eeeek!

I am tiiiiired! sooo tired and nauseous just want to sleeeep all day long!

so we went for our second ultrasound and everything looked good! we saw the heart beating away (though the technician would not tell me any specifics) and it was fast and steady so i am very relieved! they did give me our report that said our baby is 15.5mm so compared to the last scan where we couldn't see it there's been lots of growth!

they dated us back into late week 7 or early week 8 so we are not moving into week nine on the sat. darn! but we will move mid week and just be approximately week whatever until our next scan in about a month.

May 26 2008

I am sooooo TIRED! have slept all day today and could still sleep some more go from fine to nauseous in no time flat and could cry in a second if provoked! but it will be worth it in the end! right back to bed for me!

The worst day of my life

On August 6th i lost my beautiful baby boy.

Apparently I had an infection that attacked my placenta and destroyed my amniotic fluid. I didn't know. and I hate that not one doctor that I saw throughout my pregnancy told me that infection was a possible cause for the one symptom i had.

our baby Jonathan Thomas Casper Willocks is terribly missed. His funeral is next week and I just can't bare to think that he will be gone from me forever. He was supposed to be my Christmas present. He spent an amazing 18 and a half weeks inside me and through that time i developed a love for him I had no idea was possible. we loved our little baby. he was so tiny and fragile when I held him and now he is gone and it is hard to say goodbye...

November 10th 2008

it's been 3 months and 4 days since we lost our baby Jonathan. though I am still in emotional pain I am now feeling alot better. my Post Traumatic Stress is getting better and I am starting to want to do things again. The doctors have told me that they aren't sure now what caused my body to reject him so I have had several tests and scans and checks and now wait another 15 days to find out what exactly happened.

I still miss Jonathan. It's weird to come back here after all this time and see my profile saying I am not pregnant. I want to be pregnant....

we are trying again. i have done everything I can think of to make it happen quickly. somehow I just feel like facing Jonathans due date will be so much easier if I have his sister or brother inside me at the time.

I am excited and nervous and scared and anxious about being pregnant again..it scares the crap out of me but I can't stop myself from trying...so here it goes...try we will and hopefully we will get our desired results.

January 2 2009

today is the last day of our predicted due date. it hurts. I don't have my baby. I don't have a bfp. it just hurts. I knew it would I was prepared for it. I just find myself missing him so very much.