I don't know where to begin. If I could use one word to describe my labor experience, it would be TRAUMATIC!

Let me paint a brief picture of my view of the perfect birth. I expected for there to be lots of pain. I expected to be in labor for a whole day…who knows. I expected to have my baby at the midwifery birthing center in the water and a few hours later head home to start our new life. I was well educated on natural birth, my husband and I took a 10 week class to help us prepare. You see, I am not one who can handle much pain (or so I thought) and I desired to have my birth naturally, so I figured that I would educate myself and learn techniques to help manage the pain…The classes definitely helped and I would recommend anyone who is planning on having a natural birth to take a class for a few weeks, it’s definitely worth it!………Well, feel free to read my story to find out what happened.

My water broke at 3am on Saturday, April 12^th. I woke up at 1am to use the bathroom and I had a trickle of involuntary liquid roll down my leg. It was not enough to make me think my water had broken, but the very small traces of blood let me know that it was going to happen soon. I went back to bed, not really having any stress. I woke up again around 2:50am because I felt like liquid was gathering in my inner thigh, so I got up to go to the bathroom and low and behold, cloudy water started trickling down both legs, so I rushed to the bathroom and when I sat on the toilet, a small gush came out. I was certain that my water had broken.

I didn’t want to wake my husband, because I knew that labor had not started and I was planning on going back to sleep. I knew that we were going to have a long day ahead of us and I didn’t want to alarm him…well, so much for that, because he came and peaked into the bathroom and I said “Babe…my water broke” and he said “Are you serious!?”, “We need to call Helaine” (Helaine is our natural birth instructor who we had no reason to call), so I said “Babe, what do we need to call Helaine for?” and he said “Oh”. Then he said “Well, I’ll go get ready so that we can go to your parent’s house!” (We decided that I would labor at my parent’s house because our house is 45 minutes from the birthing center, as opposed to my parent’s house which is only 25 minutes.) I said, “honey…It is 3am, I’m going back to sleep” and he said…”Oh ok”.

After cleaning myself, I called my midwife and told her what happened. I asked her if it sounded as if my water had broken and she said that it did and that I should get some rest because labor should be starting soon and to call the next midwife who would be on call at 7am because he would probably want me to come in to get checked. We went back to bed and I tried my best to rest. When morning came, labor had not started, so I took the opportunity to REALLY define the term “Nesting” I was running around like a mad woman trying to make sure that the house was tidy and that everything was ready for the baby.

Once we got everything set, we headed to my parent’s house. I was having slight discomfort….they were like mild “period like” cramps. When we got to my parent’s house, we just chilled out. We went to the grocery store to get some stuff for the birthing center. We watched our last minute coaching videos to make sure we were ready. I called the midwife around 9am and talked to him. I told him that I was having period like cramps, so he told me to call him around 4pm to get checked if labor had not started by then. I called him around 4pm and told him that I was having mild contractions here and there and that I had bloody show when I used the bathroom, so he said that it sounds like active labor should be starting shortly, there was no need to come in to get checked and to call him when my contractions were about 5 minutes apart and to continue to try and get some rest.

DAY 1

Well, active labor did not start that day. I actually slept through the night. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I call the midwife and let him know that nothing had changed since I spoke with him the day before. He told me to come in so that he can do a stress test to make sure that the baby was ok and so that he could take some blood, etc. Upon arriving to the birthing center, we got started on the stress test and I had a few contractions, but nothing to stop me in my tracks. He said that he was not going to do a physical exam on me because I was at risk for infection being that my water had broken. He gave me a few ways to get labor started, such as an herbal labor tincher and a recipe to use with castor oil.

Once we got back to my parents house, I took the labor tincher, then we walked about a mile to the pharmacy to get castor oil. I took the castor oil with orange juice. It was the most horrible thing I’ve had to swallow!

A few hours later, I started having stronger, but bearable contractions. When evening came, they started to get stronger and stronger, about 5 minutes apart. Around 8pm I called my midwife who told me to come in to the birthing center so that he could check me and that it looks like we may have a baby that night! So my whole family and extended family packed the car and headed to the birthing center. My husband was speeding the whole way there with me yelling at him telling him to slow down and that I love my life!

When we got to the birthing center, everyone got settled in and comfortable, expecting a long night. I went into my room with my husband and mother to see how far along I was. When the midwife checked me, he said that I was only 2 centimeters dilated and 90 percent effaced. I was like, 2 centimeters!?!?!?!?! And yes, I felt like crying. By the way, those physical exams are not fun at all! The midwife told me to go home and rest and that it just was not time yet and that the baby will come when she is ready. So with sad faces, the 3 of us walked out of the room to give our family the news. When we told them we were going home, everyone had a look on their face, like, “what in the world is going on, no baby tonight?” It was a long confusing ride home.

When we got back to my parents’ house it was about 10pm, so everyone went to bed. My contractions started getting harder and closer together, but they were not regular. The whole night I labored hard! My contractions were between 1 to 3 minutes apart and lasted between 45 seconds to a minutes and a half. I could not lie down because my contractions were much worse in the bed, so I had to sit on my birthing ball with pillows on the edge of the bed and rest my head that way. I was at the point to where the contractions were so intense and so irregular that I could not take it anymore and I was ready to go to the hospital to get an epidural.

DAY 2

I called the midwife around 2am and he told me to come in to get checked. So my husband and mom headed to the birthing center with me. When the midwife checked me, he said that I was still between 2 and 3 centimeters dilated and 100 percent effaced. I think I started crying at that point! I inquired about pain medication and he recommended Stadol (a narcotic use in labor), so I gladly accepted! He said that he would insert the Stadol through a hemlock and a shot in my hip. Once he administered the Stadol into the hemlock, he told me to turn over so that he can give me a shot in my hip. I remember turning over and dosing off. I heard my husband laugh and the midwife said, “Well, I guess there is no need for the shot in the hip” and my mom said “My children are not use to drugs!” I was out like a light!

I remember waking up later on that morning and feeling sooooo much better, in fact, my contraction were gone! I found the midwife and told him how I was feeling and he seemed to be quite stunned. He said that the Stadol should not have stopped the contractions, but ease them and they should have picked up by now. So I decided to go and walk up and down the stairs to get active labor moving along again. The midwife suggested that I go home and get some rest and to call the midwife who would be on call next to check in with her and that she may want me to come in later on to check me. He also suggested that I continue the natural ways of inducing labor. I said “No thank you, I will let labor start when it’s good and ready!”

I called the midwife later on that morning and she asked me to come in to get checked. When I got to the birthing center, the new midwife on call asked me if anyone checked me to see if my water had actually broken and I told her know and that I am sure that my water had broken. Then she was like, “Yea...ok”, and said that sometimes midwives are caught up in the story that the women tells and they don’t actually check to see if the water actually broke. So she did 2 tests. First she did a physical exam on my and said that she can see the sack of water (she was looking through some tool). Then she did some ph test and said that the paper should turn blue, but it did not. She told me that my water did not break and said that it is ok for me to take a bath, have sex, etc. (of course Will was happy about that!). I was not happy with her! I was certain that my water had broken and I was feeling very confused.

After leaving the birth center, we went to Trader Joes, Marshalls and Noodles and Company, so that I could get things moving by staying active. After that, we went back to my parent’s house and chilled.

DAY 3

That night, Will and I went back to our house, being that we did not know when labor would start. We got in the bed and went to sleep. Shortly after falling asleep, I would up with strong contractions that were about 7 minutes apart. I called the midwife who told me to do a series of activities such as eat something, drink something, walk, and take a bath and continue doing those in order. She told me to call her every 2 hours. My contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I labored again all night long. I was so exhausted and felt like the end was near. Around 5 I called the midwife and she told me to meet her at the birthing center around 7 am and she would expect me to be about 7 centimeters dilated. By this time, my contractions were about 3 minutes apart and very strong. I didn’t want to disturb my mom by calling her in the middle of the night, because I knew that she would be up with me all day while in labor and I wanted her to be rested. When I called her in the morning, she said that she could not sleep and wanted to call me, but didn’t want to wake me up….of course she said I should have called her.

We left our house to go and get my mom and head to the birthing center. My husband sped to my parents’ house. We honestly thought I was going to have the baby in the car. I felt like it was time. We picked up my mom and told the rest of my family that we would call them and let them know when to come.

When we got to the birthing center, the midwife checked me and to my surprise, I was still only 3 centimeters dilated! I cried, not understanding what was going on and why my child was not trying to come out. The midwife checked me into a room and allowed me to continue laboring at the birthing center instead of sending me back home. I labored there all day long. Another woman was in labor and we actually heard her giving birth. I was terrified! She was screaming to the top of her lungs. I was lying on the bed trying to stay calm and my husband who was sitting in the chair, whispered to me “Babe, do you hear that”. I think I ignored him and covered my ears; he clearly did not help the situation! Shortly after, we heard a baby crying. So I guess she was crowning when we heard her screaming.

The birthing center was pretty busy that day, along with the other births that the midwives had to attend to at the hospital nearby, so I kind of had to sit around and labor and wait until they got to me. The midwife and his student came to check me to see how far along I was. The student checked me and said that I was still only about 3 to 4 centimeters dilated, but that she felt the baby’s hair, so my water must have broken. Apparently, my water had not broken all the way because on one side, she felt hair, then on the other side, she felt the water sack. She also said that the baby was in a posterior position, which is sunny side up and that’s possibly why I was not dilating.

After waiting a few more hours one of the nurses came in to try and help me get the baby turned before the midwife came to check me again. She said that if the baby did not get in the correct position by the time the midwife checked me, they would possibly transferred to the hospital for Pitosen and we would take it from there. Well the nurse had me practically standing on my head and some other weird positions using gravity to our advantage. When the midwife came to check me, I was still only 3 to 4 centimeters dilated, so we prepared to go to the hospital for Pitocen. I was actually ready to go to the hospital at that point. I was secretly planning to get an epidural. Can you believe that after 3 days of labor, I was only ready for an epidural!?

We left for the hospital and got checked in. The nurse started me on Pitocen and Stadol. Of course my contractions got stronger and closer together to the point where my mind was gone and I only remember a few things from that time. I remember that someone had to hold my head as I had contractions; I guess it made it more bearable. When I was having contractions, it felt as though my body was about to fall apart. During my labor, I also had a breathing pattern that also helped me manage the pain….Thanks Helaine!

After almost 8 hours of being on Pitocen, the midwife came in and checked me and said “You are 6 centimeters dilated; we are going to need to do a C-section”. I started to cry and reason with the midwife to see if anything else could be done. He said no. He said that when he checks me, he can push the baby’s head out of the birth canal and that by this point; she should be lodge in tight. I finally said, “I guess there is no reason for me to argue with you if I don’t have a choice”. A C-section was the furthest thing from my mind. At this point, I was still only ready for an epidural. The whole room was quite. As they were preparing me for surgery, I noticed that my mom was missing. I was in so much pain I didn’t think to ask for her. I later found out that she was outside crying. When I look at pictures now, I see one with my sister hugging me and tears coming down her face. I also remember my dad kissing me on my forehead…that was his way of dealing with the situation. I know my husband was nervous also, but he said that he had to stay strong for me.

I was so scared, mainly because I didn’t want to have a contraction while they were wheeling me down the hall and there was no one to hold my head or that I would have a contraction while the anesthesiologist was putting the needle in my back. Praise God, I did not have any more contractions (that I remember).

My husband was able to go into the operating room with me and within 15 minutes the baby was out! It seemed so surreal, so unnatural. They brought my baby to me and I remember saying “Hi baby, that’s my baby!” Elyse Stefani Jayla came into this world on April 16, 2008 at 12:27am and after 3 days of labor and almost 4 days after my water broke. After meeting Elyse they took her away and my husband followed while the put me back together.

After the surgery, they wheeled me into the recovery room, where I heard my baby screaming and saw the nurse hitting her with something that looked like one of those things that the hit you with in the knee and elbow when you go to the doctor. She must have seen the look on my face and ran over and said to me “It doesn’t hurt her…see” and she tapped my arm. It was merely a sponge. I guess they were trying to clear her lungs by making her cry. We sat in the recovery room for about an hour while the nurses were prepping the baby. We kept picking her up and taking pictures and the nurse kept taking her back from us.

After sitting in recovery, they wheeled me and the baby to our room, with hubby not far behind. The whole crew was waiting to meet Elyse. It was definitely a high day for everybody. I was completely in a daze and pumped with Morphine (which of course I had an allergic reaction to…I was itching so bad that I tried to jump out of the bed not caring that I just had major surgery).

Postpartum

Where do I begin. For the first few weeks after giving birth to Elyse, I was an absolute emotional wreck. Mainly because of the c-section and feeling that my baby was taken from me as opposed to me giving birth. I had my birth plan set out and could not understand how we started at the birthing center expecting to have a natural water birth and ending up with having Pitocen and finally a c-section. Like I said earlier, after 3 days of labor, I was only ready for an epidural.

There were a few pros from being at the hospital as opposed to the birthing center, such as having people rush to my every call, the lactation support which was phenomenal, not to mention, my milk came in right on time! They say that when some women have c-sections, their milk takes longer to come in, because your body has to recognize that you gave birth. I think that since I was in labor for so long, my body knew what was happening. To this day, I have an over abundance of milk! I don’t like dripping all over the place, but I am grateful.

I also stayed in survival mode for the first couple of weeks and didn’t really feel the bond between me and baby. I loved her at first sight, and new she was my baby and if anything happened to her, I would not know how to handle it, but the emotional bond between mother and baby was not where I felt it should be. People kept telling me that when I look at my precious baby girl, everything that I went through was worth it (I understood and was ok with the labor part, but my heart did not agree with them as it pertains to the c-section). I felt really bad and ungrateful. God had blessed me with a beautiful, healthy, normal baby girl and here I am being depressed because things didn’t work out as planned. It was then that I found the ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) while browsing the internet. One of the points that stood out to me was that other people need to realize that I have the right to mourn my c-section. I went through 2 major events simultaneously and I needed to deal with both of them separately. I was getting caught up in people telling me that my c-section was worth it because I had a healthy baby, but I didn’t feel that way. And of course the postpartum issues did not help the situation.

Once I was able to think clearly, I was able to thank God for the unknown. I don’t know what could have happened if she got lodged in the birth canal and something went wrong with either of us. Sometimes we don’t always know why God allows things to happen, but we just need to trust Him. I definitely would not want to go back in time and find out what would have happened if I had given birth vaginally. I also know that David, the midwife (whom I absolutely adore) would not have called for a c-section if it was not necessary. You know midwives don’t like to resort to that.

By the way, the hospital had to do additional test on Elyse because they said that my amniotic fluid was low when they did the c-section, so my water bag did in fact rupture…..go figure! I am so glad that neither I nor the baby got an infection from following the other midwife’s suggestion of doing things to induce labor such as taking a bath, which I did. I’m glad we did not do anything else.

I hope that you have enjoyed my birth story. It took me a long time to write and it is very long, but it has been therapy in that I was able to get it off my chest. Just remember that everything happens for a reason. I do believe that c-sections are done too liberally and that women should make sure that it is their last option before allowing it to be done. In my case, it was not an emergency, but the doctor would have made the call if I did not concede.

June 29, 2008

Elyse aka "Little Miss Personality" is getting so big! She now weighs 11 pounds, 9 ounces almost double her birth weight (It's Mommy's liquid gold). I posted some pictures that she took this past week. She is so beautiful! We are taking familly portraits this coming weekend. I will post them once we get them.