~May 13, 2008~

Hi Ladies,

Once again thank you for all your support and prayers, I haven't been on in awhile and when I came on my page I was really overwhelmed with so many new prayers and supporters, so Thank You!!

It has been a long few months and I finally started feeling a better until the past week. I am now ttc and thought maybe I caught the egg last month, but I didn't so when AF showed her wicked face, I was saddend. There is always this month so keep your fingers crossed for me.

I received the autopsy report from my OB on May 1 and of course she is blaming everything on my Gestational Diabetes. I had her fax a copy of the report and like a nerd, I went online to find a medical dictionary and typed in all the words I didn't understand and she didn't tell me about.

It said the primary cause of death was Cardiomegaly, which means enlarged heart. I keep thinking to myself, when I went for my BPP four days prior to Josiah's passing, how come they didn't see this on the ultrasound? Isn't that what a BPP is for? They also said he had pulmonary hemmoraging and anoxia(interference with oxygen). That was probably why at my BPP he wasn't doing his "Practice Breathing" like he should have been doing. I am so confused with all this because I feel like something could have been done, but at the same time from what I have heard involving Cardiomegaly, Josiah would have had a lot of heart problems and might not have survived. I still think I would have rather known he wouldn't of survived than to have it come without knowing.

I now have an appointment on Friday May 16th with the perintologist to see what I'll have to do when and if I get pregnant again and to go over the autopsy report.

I also just found out last week that my OB was sued for negligence in another birth about 10 years ago! How is that for coincedence(sp?)

I will keep everyone posted after I go for my appt. on Friday. Thanks again for taking the time to read this and for all your Prayers and Support!!

God Bless!!

Samara and "Josiah"

~April 14, 2008

Hey Ladies,

I just wanted to say thank you all for your wonderful support and prayers in my time of need! This board has been like my saving grace. Being able to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only person that went through this is what gets me through the day. I have a tremendous amount of respect and gratitude to you all. I keep thinking that if everything went okay I would have Josiah in my arms right now. I was scheduled this past Thursday April 10th for my c-section and today would have been my original due date.

I went to my OB today for my 6 week check up and she still didn't have the final autopsy report in yet. Which means pretty much that they are not going to find anything was wrong, which in return will have me thinking what happened forever. My OB did mention that my placenta looked like the baby wasn't getting enough nutrients, but that she wasn't 100% sure because his weight was normal for his gestation. It's so aggravating playing the waiting game! I will go and see a Maternal/Fetal DR sometime in May to talk about my options as far as conceiving again.

So now I finally got AF and I started some slight charting(watching for ovulation), but my OB said to wait 3 cycles which I'm not sure if I want to wait. I think I am just going to let nature take it's course and if it happens it happens. I will definitley keep you all posted on what happens!!

For everyone who has had a loss, I am terribly sorry and you will get through this, you will never forget, but remember if not just for the little bit of time that you held your angel!

For all of you that are expecting, God bless you and may you have a happy and healthy nine months!!

~Samara and My Angel Josiah

colspan="2"> br>Flags courtesy of ITA's Flags of All Countries used with permission. Cabo Verde