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5th November

Seen midwife this morning. Heart 140ish so she says thats cool. Had a 12week scan which was fab but dont get another! So annoyed at that - apparently only if something may be wrong would I get one and the funding only allows one scan. They see it the opposite from us - we are looking for everything to be alright - they're looking for what might be wrong. She used the example if an organ wasnt quite right and they picked it up and told me then I would be worried sick however it could easily rectify itself before birth and I would have had needless worry. Fair enough but its all down to money really and that pisses me off because I have my taxes and national insurance since I was 16years old and Im now 37!!!! This is the one and only time I have ever used the NHS and I dont think the care or service is good enough and Im not even giving birth in hospital yet!!!! Our system in the UK is all wrong and for us people who work, pay their way and ask for nothing - man we certainly get nothing. Fair enough we are blessed with the NHS but us taxpayers fund that and we should have much better value for money.

Sorry for the rant!!!

15th November 2007

Havent updated for ages - Pregnancy all good feeling loads of stretches and growing pains but only felt 1 real movement I recognised but my pal tells me I may not be aware of the movements as they happen cos we arent always in tune with whats going on due to other stresses in life!! Wish I didnt have these and could feel my wee angel letting me know he/she is having a great time in mummys tummy!! Anyways, my life is still topsy turvy with my Stepdaughter. My man Billy is still doing his damnest to save this child from the system and her mum has tried so hard too, to try and make her realise that making a mess of things now could well put her on the wrong path for life. The child wont listen and causes nothing but grief for both parents and immediate family involved. Ive done my best so far to keep it all together but I feel major frustration and resentment once again because she cannot and will not grow up and try and make things happen for herself. I never did but I think I may now believe that she might be a little jealous of her brother/sister on the way and doesnt like the fact that the spotlight will no longer be on her and her antics and is doing her damnest to maintain it for now?? I hope Im being a bitch and thats not the case cos if Im right she is gonna be 10 times worse when he/she arrives and Im not gonna be a happy bunny. As all you mums to be out there know these miracles growing inside us are the most important thing in life to us and any threat at all its like WAR!!!!!!!!

4th Dec 2007

Im at breaking point. Things have gone bad in my relationship over all my stresses and baby daddy just cant seem to handle real life - ie. me pregnant, needy and tired. Apparently I nag all the time - asking him for help at night with dinner and cleaning up. We have been doing work at our new house and this has been getting to him too - Im an organised person, he isnt so we clash over getting things done. My hormones are telling me to prepare a nest for my baby his are telling him its a shame his life is upside down. His daughter is now not even worth talking about as she is a complete waste of space but she is his daugher and unfortunately he cannot handle the fact she is not a nice wee girl but in fact an absolute tearaway and a very unhygenic one at that. My baby must wish it had another mummy because all I do is cry and stress.

17th December

Saw midwife this morning and heard baby's heartbeat - was like a wee train at a hundred miles per hour!!! It just makes me melt when I know my chicken is safe and sound inside!!! Size is perfect even though everyone keeps telling me Im really big. Im quite wee so dont know if thats how I look dead fat! Dont care anyway as long as my angel is happy. My SD is still mental and her dad is still stressed but Im kinda seeing things clearer now and so is he so we're pulling each other through the hard times knowing what we have together is making it worth surviving for!! Its hard at times though and anyone with step children, if they are honest, will tell you its hellish when they are hurting your partner and you can do very little about it! You cant possibly feel the unconditional love they have for the child so things are said and done out of text and turn and tempers flare. Only good thing is that I have learned so much from all this and hopefully know where NOT to go wrong with my child. But Im not gonna preach cos you just dont know whats in store for the future!!

29th January.

Havent updated for so long! Everything with pregnancy is so good and Ive been very blessed with good health. My stresses are easing although not much has changed however stepdaughter does seem to be calmer and her life a lot quieter. Billy is mega excited and just wants the baby to pop out now! Im like no Im not ready!! Im getting really big and people are always telling me Im so big but to be honest Ive been lucky in that Im really all baby although I have put on weight obviously. Got my crib ready, changing mats, bottles, breast pump, nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, sheets, blankets, vests, babygros, towel, feeding cloths, bibs, safety pack, bath, car seat, bottle warmer, sterliliser. Still got other things to get though and cant even think about the room yet! Im not stressing cos our angel will be in with us for a while anyways. Daddy isnt let him/her out his room for a long time he says!! Guess who'll sleep through the wailing though??? Anyways, thought we'd wait to see if we have boy/girl then through time give them a funky colour themed room. Makes sense for us cos our families are helping buy cot, furniture and stuff so its less pressure all round and lets me concentrate on the essentials. My head is mush most days anyway so it suits me to have less to worry about!

Im so in love with my baby and never imagined I could feel so much. Ive never been a very maternal girl and Im probably still not - I dont go goo goo over babies although I think theyre lovely and Ive never been a dreamer of babies and family life but Im overwelmed with love for my own child. I just cannot wait to hold him/her and tell them how much I love them and I will always no matter what happens. I am very scared of the birth though and cannot imagine how I will cope cos I had a sore tummy and had bad cramps and was very aware of how bad its gonna be!! But I cant do anything about that and can only hope I have time and good midwives to give me as much pain relief as I can take.

5th February

Had such an uncomfortable day yesterday and Im so confused with the Braxton Hicks and Ligament Pains. I dont know what Im getting. The whole day my bump was so tight almost fit to burst! I cant get any relief other than lying down and even then its so uncomfy and moving around is a major thing for me! Im not in pain at all but feel like Im a walking beach ball!

Other than that I cant complain! I have been keeping so well and absolutely love being pregnant and feeling the movement of my baby. However, nothing prepared me for how I would be emotionally affected by pregnancy, I have had many many moodswings and crazy crazy shenanigans and my BF hasnt exactly helped but I think by the sounds of things many men struggle with our needs during this time. Working up till 7 March and hopefully can last that long, my due date is 31 March so all being well I'll have 3 weeks or so at home to basically do nothing before my life changes for the next forever many years!!