Tuesday, 23 Oct

Pregnancy Survey

About You
Name?: Keon
Age?: 23
Height?: 5 feet even
Pre-pregnancy weight?: 150 lbs.
About The Father
Name?: Christian
Age?: 23
Height?: 6 feet 2 inches
Are you still together?: NO

About Your Pregnancy
Is this your first pregnancy?: No
When did you find out you were pregnant?: Aug. 2nd...His Bday
Was it planned?: No
What was your first reaction?: I cried then I laughed...I guess shock
Who was with you when you found out?: Angel and her mini-me Janiyah
Who was the first person you told?: The father of my child
How did your parents react?: Mom said do what you wanna do...Dad said well you're gonna have an abortion right?

How far along are you?: 17 weeks
What was your first symptom?: Missed Period
What is your due date?: April Fool's Day 2008
Do you know the sex of the baby?: Not yet...Hopefully in about 12 hours
If so, what is it?: ?????????
Have you picked out names?: Yes
If so, what are they?:

How much weight have you gained?: I dunno...still not showing
Do you have stretch marks?: Nope...not really showing yet
Have you felt the baby move?: YES! at 3am and more when I argue with his/her daddy
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Yes, that's when I truly fell in love
About the birth
Will you keep the baby?: Yes
Home or hospital birth?: Hospital
Natural or medicated birth?: Medicated...my mommy did natural, but I'm not up for it
Who will be in the delivery room with you?: My mom...The father of my child will probably be hoping we don't make it
Will you breastfeed?: Yes
Do you think you'll need a c-section?: I dont know?
Will you cry when you hold the baby for the first time?: Yes...I don't know if it'll be joy or sorrow
What's the first thing you might say to him/her?: I love you and I'll never leave you
Would you let someone videotape the birth?: No...all the people who should be there, will be
Are you scared or excited:
Excited!!! I can't wait to meet the person I love so much already

Saturday, 23 Feb

AUGUST 2ND, 2007

My child `s father `s birthday. I found out that I was expecting. It wasn `t planned and I cried on my floor for hours before I told him. I finally got up the nerve and drove to his home only to receive slumped shoulders as a response. I guess I ruined his birthday. We had just returned from his hometown and stopped talking. Also he had moved his 1st child `s mother in with him right before we left for that trip (unbeknownced to me).

SEPTEMBER 2007

I found out about his 1st child's mother during this month. I knew he had a son. I loved his son. I was the "mom" during so many of the past 12 months, how could I not love this little boy. He'd even called me mom one day and cried as I left for work. I told her everything that had been going on for the past year. The year I thought I was the only one. She replied with disappointment, but a sense of calm. It was strange... she offered me comfort and told me he did the same thing to her and during her 7th month of pregnant came around. We laughed on the phone swapping stories that should have told us everything, but we were both blinded by so-called love. They'd been together 5 years! We'd been together 1 year!

People ask how does this happen. It's hard because looking back their were small signs, but nothing that makes one think that there's a whole family/relationship right down the highway. I've met his mother, grandmother, father, best friends, co-workers, uncles and everything in between. I'm the girlfriend? Right? How did I miss this? I spent 24 hours a day with him. My family, friends, co-workers all of the people important to me have met this man. My dad never cared too much for him, but didn't put his judgment out there. Of course I'm thinking "no father will ever think any man is good enough for his daughter."

OCTOBER 2007/ EARLY NOVEMBER 2007

I ruined his life?!

I spend hours upon hours thinking about how I did everything right in my relationship. We've told our closest friends and families about our new addition and have stopped talking. We are around each other, but it's silent. There is no communication. Everything is very clear... I'm pregnant and he doesn't want another child. (Ignore the fact that for the past year he has told me at least once a week that he wants a daughter)

My baby wasn't planned, but I definitely want her. We take yet another trip to his hometown where I'm asked by numberous people "Are you pregnant?" Neither of us have told his family here. "How do they know?" I'm asked over and over again. I never reply... I look at her father, but never reply to the questions. A plane then passes over our heads and I start to cry. For the 1st time in months he reaches out and actually shows compassion. He holds me tight enough so that I don't collapse... my legs were giving out. I guess I felt so much pressure and I had been holding so much in that my body physically couldn't take it anymore.

NOVEMBER 12TH, 2007

The past few weeks of my pregnancy have been painful. My physical pregnancy has been extremely easy. No morning sickness, pain, weight gain, nothing. My emotional and mental state; however, has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows.I have been lied to, lied about, hit, choked, threatened with death and everything in between. I have been told that my life isn `t worth living nor is my child `s. By whom you may ask... My child `s father.

I decided to spend time with her father, at his request. I look in the bedroom only to see pictures of his 1st child's mother and him, a shrine dedicated to his son with ultrasounds, pictures, hospital wristbands, infant pillows, a Bible, and a slight grin on his face. Why would you do this to someone? It was more than a slap in the face. A physical altercation resulted in bruises yet again. I drove to the police station, but couldn `t bring myself to press charges. "He wants to be a police officer, I don `t want to ruin his life." I felt so guilty for being pregnant. It seems silly now, but that was the truth. Instead I drove home and nursed my wounds alone (I passed at least 4 different precincts).

NOVEMBER 13TH, 2007

THE BEST AND WORST DAY OF MY LIFE THUS FAR.

I have been told that God has blessed me with a daughter of my own. In the next breath I am told to go to the examination room. "I thought it was a routine check? They must have me confused with another patient.. Ah well."

My OB arrives with a sad look on his face and tells me I only have 10mm of cervix left (Average is 40mm) and must immediately see a specialist and go on bedrest. I have incompetent cervix. My cervix is starting to open without contractions or warning. My daughter may not live. Only about 1% of women have a cervix that is this short at this point of pregnancy. I'm devastated. I immediately blame myself and cry.

Is it the stress I've put her through by crying? Is it the abuse I endured, but refused to walk away from? Is it my fault? Should I have had the abortion her father wanted? Why me? Why us? Why God, Why? How can I be happy about my little girl and know she may never experience life?

NOVEMBER 21ST, 2007

I informed her father and his family, as well as mine about the bad news. Immediately I found out that my aunt has IC and my grandmother has lost several children and there's no solid reason as to why. His family immediately begins to pray for the life of my child. They love her too, I wish he did. I told him, but the only response was a text message of "O Ok."

LATE NOVEMBER 2007

His mother and grandmother call to check on me. I love his grandmother, but I'm skeptical of his mother. His grandmother and I have a great conversation about prayer and fate and my baby not being a mistake and that she will be her great-grandmother without regard to her grandson's decision. His mother on the other hand informs me that he's not angry about our daughter, but that HE doesn't understand why I told his other child's mother! Please excuse the following language, but "What the fuck should I care about his feelings?" I simply replied "I had my reasons, but I didn't know they were still in a relationship, remember I was his girlfriend." I don't feel as if I did any wrong... why should I have sugarcoated or lied to salvage another relationship for him? Is it me or did he not deceive and cheat on both of us. He's only angry because he didn't get the chance to foster some fake story to her or me. Whatever.

DECEMBER 2007

Again my cervix has shortened. It is now 5mm. I only have a pencil lead of space keeping my cervix from opening! I go into preterm labor! I have real back labor pains. Hello hospital for 3 days. I called my daughter's father only to get a return call 3hrs later, with an "o ok" response. I immediately change my phone number and lay in the hospital bed listening to nurses who look at me with the "sad face." I hear comments from doctors that "she will not make it this early." My baby is only 23 weeks... the doctors will not even attempt to save her at this point! I'm helpless and my baby is impatient. I talk to her over and over and tell her to just wait. Please just wait I beg over and over again. Finally after 3 days she listens and all the labor pains stop and I'm released. I go home with my mommy. I love my mommy... she has a disability and is in chronic pain, but has taken care of me since I told her what was going on.

JANUARY 2008

After speaking with my daughter's father's grandmother, I decide to call her father. He says that he's been trying to get in touch with me and wants to "do right by her." My heart is so full of anger by this point that I don't know how to react. Both of our families tell me to give him a chance. After all I've been through... I don't see why I should. Even though I'm angry I give him the benefit of the doubt... after all... my daughter deserves a father.

We begin speaking everyday... he no longer argues, yells, but he did try to call me out my name. I immediately let him know, if he wants to be a part of her life, that action will not be tolerated. I've been doing this pregnancy thing by myself thus far and I'll continue if I have to; no problem. He apologizes and says it won't happen again.

He visits my parents home (I can't live alone at this point...so my home is abandoned LOL). He stays for a while and it seems pretty decent, but he's put me through so much that I'm tense. My little girl, Tian, is in my stomach balled up from the tense feelings I'm experiencing.

Saturday, 23 Feb

After being through so much in such a short time... I `m working on forgiveness. I struggle everyday not be angry and to let go of the negative feelings, but it `s hard.I haven `t even had the opportunity to enjoy my pregnancy. I let him steal my happiness. For anyone who reads this, please don `t let anyone steal your happiness. Enjoy your pregnancy. Now I have to accept his late arrival and put everything aside for the good of my daughter. It `s hard to swallow your pride and let go of the past, but for Tian I `ll do anything.

Wednesday, March 5th

I am officially 36 weeks! I never thought I'd make it to this point. I had my baby shower and know I am truly blessed with the best friends and family (including my daughter's father's family). I also feel as if I have chose the appropriate name based on my experiences.

TIAN

1. Human forehead; head, cranium. 人的額部; 腦袋.
2. Anciently, to tattoo/brand the forehead as a kind of punishment. 古代一種在額� �上刺字的刑罰.
3. The heavens, the sky, the firmament. 天空.
4. Celestial bodies; celestial phenomena, meteorological phenomena. 天體; 天象.
5. Nature, natural. A general reference to objective inevitability beyond human will. 自然. 泛指不以人意志為轉移的客觀必然性.
6. Natural, innate; instinctive, inborn. 自然的; 天性的.
7. Natural character/quality of a person or thing; natural instinct, inborn nature, disposition. 人或物的自然形質; 天性.
8. A reference to a particular sky/space. 特指某一空間.
9. Season; seasons. Like: winter; the three hot 10-day periods [following the summer solstice]. 時令; 季節. 如: 冬天; 三伏天.
10. Weather; climate. 天氣; 氣候.
11. Day, time of one day and night, or especially the time from sunrise to sunset. Like: today; yesterday; busy all day; go fishing for three days and dry the nets for two [a xiehouyu simile for "unable to finish anything"]. 一晝夜的時間, 或專指日出到日落的時間. 如: 今天; 昨天; 忙了一天; 三天打魚, 兩天曬網.
12. God, heaven, celestial spirit, of the natural world. 天神, 上帝, 自然界的主宰者.
13. Heaven, heavenly, a superstitious person's reference to the gods, Buddhas, or immortals; or to the worlds where they live. Like: go to heaven ["die"]; heavenly troops and heavenly generals ["invincible army"]; heavenly goddesses scatter blossoms [a Vimalakirti Sutra reference to "Buddha's arrival"]. 迷信的人指神佛仙人或他們生活的那個世界. 如: 歸天; 天兵天將; 天女散花.
14. Anciently, the king, monarch, sovereign; also referring to elders in human relationships. 古代指君王; 也指人倫中的尊者.
15. Object upon which one depends or relies. 所依存或依� 的對象.
16. Dialect. A measure of land [shang, about 15 acres]. 方言. 垧.
17. A family name, surname. 姓. 3

Saturday, March 15th

So I'm sitting here having contractions every 6-8 mins... some painful and some not. I'm 2 cm dilated and tired of going to the hospital and coming home pregnant!

I worked so hard to keep her in for the past 37 weeks and now she doesn't want to come at all. I guess she's going to have a personality like her father... the kind that annoys me LOL. She's already huge too! 7lbs! No baby in my family has ever been over 6lbs! I'm 5' tall and I'm now doing the waddling pregnant walk.

Speaking of her father... he's actually been really great lately. I still remain on edge and don't trust him. I now find that I'm the person who constantly curses him out (even though sometimes I don't really mean it). I guess I'm still angry about everything he did to me and even though he's doing great now I still harbor intense feelings of hate. I don't want to admit it, but I still love him too. I go through times where I'll ask him to sign his rights away because I think it'll be easier on me. I know that's wrong, but he refuses me anyway. He's actually told me he wants to be there for her. He even drove 2 hrs just to get the crib I wanted LOL! I had to have this crib with the scalloped headboard. It's 3' high too, which I love, b/c most of the cribs I saw were damn near taller than me! He got a new job and seems like he's going to be the man I met and not the man he became during my pregnancy. I hope for Tian's sake, more than mine, that he continues down this path. I also hope I can truly learn to forgive... completely.

Now if I can just get this little girl out of me!