I never wanted children...and i was the last person on Earth who you would ever expect to be pregnant, but it happened. I found out I was "accidently" pregnant at the end of April. The first day, i cried and cried because I had no idea how I would ever be a mom. Within the week, I was shopping for baby clothes and telling everyone I knew. I actually WANTED to be a mom and It was about time, considering I had been married for over 5 years... I went back to the Dr. on the 8 week checkup and everything looked good. I got to see the heartbeat and there seemed to be no complications. Around a week later, i saw a drop of blood. I freaked out and called the on call doctor who told me that sometimes you just bleed a little and that I should just get off my feet. I did...and it stopped. I never had any pain or anything, just a little dime size drop of brown blood. A few weeks pasted and everything seems fine...my nausea was decreasing and I actually had an appetite again.. then friday night I had a little more brown blood. I stayed calm and got off my feet. The next day, it turned a light brown, then pink, and by sunday, it was bright red. I never had cramps or pain. So i had hope that everything was ok. I called the on call doctor who informed me the last time that if it turned bright red or if i had pain, to call back. I called and she told me that I needed to come in the next morning for an ultra sound. She said sometimes you bleed, but i still needed to come in. She also said if i was having a miscarriage, it could not be prevented.

I was terrified. I went to the dr. the next day and waited to be worked in... finally i was in the ultrasound room. The tech lathered up by belly and did the ultrasound. I could see my baby this time. It didn't look like a blob. I could see the little head and shoulders. the perfect little body, but i knew something was wrong. i didnt see that thudding heart beat. The tech told me she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound. I changed into the robe, sobbing, and came back into the room. she confirmed that she could not see a heartbeat and told me that the heart would be bright red if it was pumping. she told me how sorry she was and she went to get the doctor. The whole time she was gone, i was crying hysterically. i didnt want to believe it. The doctor came in and began his spill about somethings this happens, and that it's very common. He told me i could let it pass naturally or have a D&C, which he recommended. I didnt want the D&C at first, because I kept thinking that maybe my baby was still alive. Maybe they were wrong...but they were not. I know my baby was gone. I agreed to have the D&C and the next thing I know i'm scheduling the appointment for the next morning. That evening I cried and cried and didnt want to believe it was true. I couldn't understand how someone who never wanted kids, never asked to be pregnant was given a baby and then had it taken away. i was so angry and hurt. i felt like there was something wrong with me. That for some reason, I was being punished. I felt so bad for my mom. She was so excited. I am an only child and this was going to be her first baby. I dreaded telling everyone.

The next morning I had the procedure. These two days were the worst days of my life. The nurse even started crying while talking to me. I just could not hold anything back, and i'm the type who doesn't cry in front of others. when I woke up from the procedure I was so cold. I was freezing. I remember waking up and puking. I went home and laid in bed the rest of the day. The doctor gave me some medication for the pain/depression for the first few days and i was in a daze for a while. One problem that I had was trying to understand how I lost my baby at 9 weeks, 1 day, yet i did not know it until i was supposedly 12 weeks. I felt like I should have known i was no longer pregnant. It bothered me to know that I carried my baby for three more weeks, rubbing my stomach, and buying clothes, and all the time it was already gone.

I still have some problems feeling sad every now and then. I have so many fears for my next pregnancy. i'm trying to stay calm and relax because I don't want to put stress on the next baby. I'm on my second menstrual cycle now, since i lost my baby. With my doctors advice, We plan on trying to conceive again at the end of this month. This time, i'm taking my prenatal vitamins and am trying to prepare. My husband and I never knew we wanted children until this happen, now, thats all we want. I'm not a religious person, but i pray that everything will go well next time. I try to stay positive that things will be different this time. I named my baby and I talk about him/her daily. I don't want to ever forget my little angel.