Hot Pants!! April 21 **23 weeks**

I am nearly distressed! I am outgrowing my maternity pants!!! Thank God, the seat and thighs still fit or I would want to DIE, but the belly bands HURT my tummy!!!! They need to hold out just a few more weeks and then I will buy some HUGE skirts and things for summer!

I have also been holding out buying bras and have been wearing large camisoles but they are soon going to be too warm, too many layers! I hate buying bras, esp. when pg!! You never know how big you are going to BE! My "boozies" are lookin' good right now, but I got a ways to go yet! If my own history repeats itself, they will want to take over the world before this thing is over!!! LOL!!!

Middle name update: I have relented with Gilead - still hoping, but not nagging!! I have offered up Haddon, after one of my favorite and Tom's absolute favorite dead preacher: Charles Haddon Spurgeon. Hubby is thinking about that one.

Meanwhile, my granddaughter is yet to have ANY name at all!! :) My DIL is so darling pregnant! She weighs about nothing and is just so in love with my son. It makes me nearly cry with JOY when I see them! Yesterday in church, Coleman stood next to me. As we sang "All Will Be Well", I tucked my arm around his manly, husbandly, fatherly waist -- this same baby boy that I first gave birth to and raised for thousands of hours and millions of heartbeats -- and cried a little. It was a beautiful moment of worship to God, the Generous Giver of all these things... ...

I am one blessed woman! Even IF my pants are too tight!!!!

April 11 ** 22 weeks**

So I'm NOT announcing a name. We have run into a little disagreement! :) Hopefully we will figure something out really soon. Tom chose the name Ty. Just Ty. He is very into simplicity and being somewhat "normal". I love that and thought that I could kindof have the middle name... apparently Gilead is not "normal" enough for him. (Sadness.) I like to start calling "baby" by name so this is a good exercise in patience for me!

I really like my quiet times right now. I get tired easily and a little moody/emotional when I'm in social settings. I'm probably anemic (usual for me) and need to be better about taking my vitamins. Today a little treat for me is going to the fabric store. I want to peruse around for curtain fabric - something charming that will compliment the killer-deal my sister got for his crib bedding!

And Sunday I turn 44! My wonderful husband has a few nights for us in Carmel to celebrate and get away. I am truly blessed! And everywhere I go now, I take little wiggling Ty with me. It is a wonderful feeling to carry him around. I always wonder if my little ones think anything in there... we don't remember enough to recall anything of enutero time but does that mean there is nothing there to BE remembered or some other mystery??

I bought some boy things the other day including two toys and a pair of pacifiers. When I showed Tom that night he was upset to find them made in China. With all the news about lead we are going to take them back. The miniature coat hangers were made in USA! Only the ones from WalMart; the ones from Target are made in China! Go figure!

The only other news is that I'm outgrowing all of my "regular" pajamas! Even the BIG ones I bought!! I am starting to look like a round rag bag when I go to bed and that MUST be stopped!!!

March 27th *Tomorrow is 20 weeks! 1/2 way there!!!*

Okay. Regroup! We are having a BOY!!!! I have so many feelings attached to this fact... the last 48 hours have been pretty up and down... but this morning I feel HIM moving around in there and picture him on that screen - a real person, strong and whole (thank You God!!!) - and it melts my assumptions and self-agrandizement and even renovates some dreams! I thank God for His forgiveness and His knowing me better than I know myself!! Even when I couldn't help crying with the news (just quiet tears that wouldn't stop and then would come unbidden all day) He loves me and gently leads me into the beauty of His will ~ His marvelous plan for me, for all of us! This boy must need us and we must need this little boy! He is knit together in my womb and God breathes life into him. Whatever lies ahead for us will be good and beautiful!! Even if it won't be pink!

His name is almost complete. I will announce it soon! :) God bless all of you with your little blessings ~ here or on the way!! :)

An afternoon note: I just finished my first workout with Shiva Rea's Prenatal Yoga (Gaiam) and it was great! I have done yoga off and on for several years but was surprised at how seized up my body was! I can already tell a difference in my posture (which has suffered) and my breathing. My back and shoulders have been bothering me for a few weeks now. I knew it was time! Of course, the relaxation section was wonderful! "Guided" didn't mean with spiritual meditation, only physical - which affects the spirit of course. I would highly recommend it for strengthening in preparation for that wonderful day: labor & delivery!!

Thursday, March 13 *tomorrow is 18 weeks!!*

I will give this quick update and then I must be off! I have so much to do to get ready for Ben's Going-Away Shin-Dig. This will be my second son to leave the nest for the US Air Force! We are having about 100 people here on Saturday and they expect to EAT!! :)

Doctor appt yesterday went very well. What relief!! It took him a minute to find that heartbeat (he wasn't worried, but I was!!) but he did! He smiled real big and declared, "You have made it! I believe you are going to have this baby with no problems at all!" And we talked ever so briefly about labor stuff... ... Oh, that's right, I have to go THERE to get the baby! The spinal disaster bloodwork tests all came back Negative!! That was wonderful news!

Next stop: the 20-week Ultrasound wherein we hope to discover Boy or GIRL??!! That is scheduled for the 25th!! I can't wait!!

Meanwhile, I finally purchased a Denise Austin pregnancy exercise video along with a Prenatal Yoga -- I need to get this body limbered up after it's lying in!!! And my DH didn't say anything, but I could swear I hear him gulp a little as he watches - month after month - that little scale going up and up... My worst nightmare would be to outweigh my husband!!!

Wednesday, Feb 27 *almost 16 weeks!*

Goodness! Where does the time go? Several times have I sat down to update and reply and to post pictures and have accomplished NONE of it! Sorry! The nausea is back -- it's pretty low-key though just constant and wearing. I have tried unsuccessfully to ease off the Zophran. Mistake! It's not worth the malaise that settles in. It has been commented that throwing up is bad (and I hate to read how some of you have suffered!) but that the constant nausea is worse. Thank you. I think the reason may be because nothing really validates how you say you feel and the way you just lay around feeling (and looking!) miserable and unable to DO anything! Like the 9 month flu! But ENOUGH of my complaining!!!! A few days a week I am able to do small chores and I even took a walk the other day! We live on the edge of town. In a short distance, I am in fields with birds and rabbits surrounded by beautiful hills. I love to pray out there.

I have MUCH to be thankful for! Hubby and I DID have a WONDERFUL time in Tahoe. It was just gorgeous! Our room was like a small condo and we enjoyed it immensely. We drove around the lake and took a long walk in the snow - something I haven't done in far too long and the beauty of it nearly broke my heart... [I can't post the pictures by myself - I don't know why they aren't showing up in the browser! As soon as I can nail down my son he will be glad to help me.]

Baby update: All is well! I did have the tiniest bit of spotting but Dr. examined me and declared baby moving and heart strong and cervix nice and tight. Just happens sometimes. I did not like that AT ALL! Regardless of all my mixed emotions about starting all over again just when I began "retirement", the thought of losing this one just about killed me! I thank God for His kindness in the very midst of my doubts, frustrations, & fears... I get bloodwork done this afternoon (ugh!) to check for spina bifida and our 20 week US is scheduled for March 25. We are so excited to find out if we have a boy or a girl!!

A word about reading. I zipped through A voice in the Wind - what an amazing story! FR does such a great job at character developement that I find bits of myself (past, present, or dream to be in the future) in all of them. Very good for considering one's ways. Then I finished Sense & Sensibility (finally!). That was a little self-governing action that I insisted upon before picking up the sequel to Voice in the Wind: Echo in the Darkness. It is too good! But I am finding myself becoming impatient as usual. I hate feeling hostage to a book! I put in movies while I quilt. They are only 2 hours (a book takes so much more time!) and I can do something else at the same time. (Not Zen at all I'm afraid!) But this story is so good I can just sit in my robe all day and READ!!!

Sorry for the abrupt ending but I must get going! God bless all of you!

Friday, Feb 8 **13 weeks!!**

I have a love/hate relationship with time. When things are good - I hate it! I want it to stop, or at least go in v e r y s l o w m o t i o n so that I can soak in all the details. But when things are not so good - FLY LIKE THE WIND!!!

Time is my friend today! We may have actually made a truce last night! It started with Bruce at the pharmacy window. I pulled up and said sweetly, "Hello Bruce. [then more gutteral] GIVE ME MY ZOPHRAN!" Bruce responded post-haste and I thanked him VERY kindly. :) The medicine has given me a headache but I will gladly trade that misery for the nausea!! Yesterday I went to the grocery store. I felt like a stranger in a strange land! And I bought all kinds of STRANGE things.... like frozen lasagna! And this handy bag of shrimp with veggies and a hopefully tasty little packet of sauce. All I have to do is make some brown rice and viola! I took a little cruise over to the meat section but started to gag so made my way quickly back to the concealed-food isles. Then - wonder of wonders - I cooked! Just a quick stir fried rice, but that was the first time I've pulled out a pan since before Christmas!! My cutting board looked at me like it didn't even know me!

And this morning I awoke feeling so nearly normal I could have cried! I actually thought about laundry before the food that I usually have to get into me which is torture in itself. I am SO grateful!!!

We see WD* next Wednesday and Thursday DH and I head to Lake Tahoe for a few days. So we will turn 14 weeks in a hotel with a fireplace and balcony and hopefully some snow!

Is anyone else getting caught up on reading? I don't usually read fiction but have indulged in some recently. I have just started some Francine Rivers, whom I have heard much of but never read. The plot of A Voice in the Wind (book I of the Mark of the Lion series) has me totally captivated!

Tuesday, Feb 4

Friday, Feb 1st **12 weeks!!**

I turned the calendar today and realized this oddity: January was almost completely EMPTY! Usually we have so many things to do and places to be that there is hardly any more room to write! Not now! My days have been "honed down to structure" - bare structures. But the month did go out with a bang! I vaccumed! :) My DH is glad to get a LITTLE help from his full-time-housewife-on-sabbatical! Then, wonder of wonders, I went out to dinner with my sister! I actually sat up at Chevy's, ate, talked, and laughed. It was wonderful! I am so grateful for the glimpses of normal life - when I don't feel like curling up in a ball of nausea, wanting to die!

Now we wait for Monday. It's the NT ultrasound. I'm so nervous. There is a definite pattern: leading up to an appointment, I get afraid of hope. I can't hardly even refer to the baby in conversation. What if something is wrong? What if the baby has died and I don't know it... then we see the little person - healthy and strong and bouncing around! For about 2 days I feel elated! Yes, this is happening! I can't believe it! Look what You have given Lord! And I can SAY, "I'm pregnant." Then as the days & weeks go by, the fear slowly sets in again. My HEAD knows that God is in this whole event! That He ordains the number of our days. That this person has already been designed by Him for a purpose. But my heart has lived awhile and has known pain and disappointment and is so afraid sometimes... so I just keep having to be real with it all and give it up afresh to my Faithful Heavenly Father! Whatever He does is good. (even when it doesn't feel like it...)

We are hoping that I will feel well enough to get up early and get ready for church this Sunday! Haven't been since before Christmas!! They have been so kind to send food and cards, but it's not the same and we miss the fellowship.

I got some beautiful pink cotton yarn last night. I think I will drive to my Mom's on this sunny day and sit with her while I begin a baby blanket... either for mine or my Granddaughter!!

Friday, Jan 25, 2008

So I'm sitting on the couch, watching Fiddler on the Roof - it was the gorgeous "Sunrise, Sunset" wedding scene - when the phone rings! It is my son. He is being very natural, but I can't stand it anymore and say, "SO! What are we HAVING??!!" Very proudly (and why shouldn't he be?!) he says, "You are are going to have a... grand...DAUGHTER!"

Where did the years ago? Full of Joy and tears... right now just tears of joy!

Thank You Lord!

Thursday, Jan 17, 2008

Yesterday we have another ultrasound (the older you are, the more you get!) It took Hubby and I to a whole new level of REALITY! For there, bouncing gently and folding it's little arm & leg buds to and fro, was a little PERSON! We could even make out the profile of the cheeks!! The little heart was beating up a storm. Our WONDERFUL Dr. said, "Your little baby is growing perfectly!" [The only test we are taking is the non-intrusive NT, and only that in case we should deliver at a more "advanced" hospital, for we consider this a life and not ours to take just because we may get some "bad" news.]

We went straight from the appt to Motherhood and bought maternity clothes! More good news: WD *(Wonderful Dr) said to make it through this miserable sickness two more weeks and, if not better, he will prescribe Zophran! YEAH!! (Of course it would be more than marvelous if -for the first time ever- I could just STOP being sick in a pg! We shall see...

Wednesday, 16 Jan