2/6/2009

My last post and a thanks to you all.

I never, never in a million years expected to go through anything like this, or even simply know someone personally who had.

My labor was induced at 6:45 p.m. on 2/3. After multiple doses of stadol and fentnil (sp?) and 9 hours of contractions, I got to see my angel.

15 oz., 10.5 in. long at 3:53 a.m. on February 4, 2009. Her little heart stopped before delivery. I couldnt do anything but hold her. To hubbs and I, she was nothing but perfect. So sweet and tiny. I slept with her until about 1:30 p.m., when our friend from the funeral home came to get her.

I will spare you the details of the delivery, but for confirmation sake- i will tell you about her. Like I said, hubbs and I thought she was perfect, but you could see her eyes were too far apart and just the slightest dip in her upper lip. There was hardly any firmness to her head. Other than that, there were no other outer abnormalities.

My Kaiah Wynter Missoff, I will never forget you. I will see you again one day, and I will hold and comfort you. Until then, we all love you and will think about you every day. I love you will all my heart and soul. Sleep sound sweet angel.

thanks so much to all who have been through this with me, but as it stands, my heart aches so to be on here now.

2/2/2009

Well, we saw the 2nd specialist. Its actually gotten worse. With the first specialist, he was able to see the lungs, and find the part of the one kidneys. At the second, the lungs had almost completely deteriorated, and the kindey was no where to be found. Upon his recommendation, I am being induced on Tuesday (tomorrow, 2/3). For some reason my body is not going into labor, and the specialists are worried that it might seriously effect my health. My ob will only see me once every 2 weeks. im not expecting to be seen every day, but man, alot can happen over the course of 14 days!

Im going to see the midwife today just to make sure that the heart is still beating, if not they will induce me today. im not sure if i will be back on here after tomorrow. I will try, but i dont know how im going to feel, and i dont want to make anyone else more sad. you all have been there for me, and i soooooooo greatly appreciate it. i hope i have the strength to say goodbye.

Love you all.

Kandace

1/28/2009

i called a friend of ours who works at a funeral home yesterday to see about prices as i just dont have the heart to let the hospital "dispose" of my baby. i told him our situation and his boss offered to do everything at no charge. hubbs wants a cremation done and to keep the urn at home. im not sure how i feel about all that, but if thats what he wants, im not going to take that from him.

i also called my ob last night to see if there was anything i could take to help deal with the sadness/anxiety/stress. she suggested that i have myself committed to be monitored for suicide! OMFG! are you serious?!?!?!? i screamed into the phone "i dont want to kill myself, im sad because my baby is dying, how hard is that to understand?" hubbs gave me one of his xanax- which his dr perscribed him over the phone after hearing whats happening. i called the specialist (as far as im concerned at this point my ob is mentally incapable of telling me right from wrong or safe from unsafe!) who said even in a "normal" pregnancy at this far along xanax is not going to affect it, so in my case- go right ahead! i have to admit, it was nice. i slept. i slept the whole night. i didnt cry myself to sleep either, the shaking stopped and my heart slowed enough that i didnt have an asthma attack the instant i laid down. who knows, maybe it was just a placebo effect. either way, it helped and im thankful.

i have my second specialist/opinion on friday. we have decided that if there are no changes we are going ahead with the induction. i dont have the strength to go thru this pregnancy to term. to live day by day knowing its inevitable end. i know its to be expected, the pain of the loss, but in this circumstance everyday i spend with this bean does not feel like a blessing, its torture.

we have decided on a name and both hubbs and i are getting a tattoo in memory of her. it will be her foot prints from the day she is delivered, her name, the date and "in memory of". we are naming her Kaiah Wynter. p.s. in case anyone is wondering, i have my 3 other kids foot prints, names and DOB's also. the only difference is Kaiah's will say "in memory of" over it.

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