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Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

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I am on this page because I have been looking for info on pregnancy stuff. I am 34, remarried,and have a 17 year-old son. My husband doesn't have any children yet and I hope to give him one. I am pregnant for the 3rd time and hoping this one does the trick.

2007 was not very good for me. In February of '07 I had a miscarriage. The first one always blows you away. In June '07 I was pregnant again only to find out it was a cervical ectopic pregnancy and needed an emergency d & c. I was devastated for the remainder of the year, but I knew I wouldn't give up. Now, I am happy to be pregnant again. Keep me in your prayers!

November 19th, 20008.

Well, things didn't work out for me once again. I lost my baby girl last week at 19 weeks. It was the hardest time in my life so far. I miss her so very much. We are having a funeral service for her this week. I was told by a priest who helped pray with us that she is an angel in heaven now and that she will also be praying for us. I really hope so.

Here's what happened...

Last Sunday I woke up thinking I was urinating on myself. I thought I had incontinence of urine and a urinary tract infection, otherwise I felt fine. Just sometimes it felt like a needle was poking me way up inside my vagina, but I didn't know that could be a sign of anything. The "urine leaking" continued off and on until Monday morning when I called my doctor's office. I told them what happened and they prescribed me some antibiotics for urinary tract infection. That night I went to work and came home Tuesday morning feeling horrible. It sort of felt like the flu. I had chills, possibly fever at times, and my legs, back, and lower stomach was hurting off and on. I went straight to bed, woke up 3 hours later and called my doctor again to complain that I felt horribly sick. My doctor wasn't in that day, but they said they would tell the nurse and have her call me back. The day went by and no one called. I hated to feel like a bugger, so I didn't call them either. Besides, I thought I had the flu or something, on top of a UTI which was making me leak, and the leaking was getting better. Tuesday night was worse though. About 2 a.m. I woke up with the worst chills. I was so cold I had to have my husband hug me to keep warm enough. I couldn't sleep for awhile, but when I finally did fall asleep I woke up sweating and feverish. At 8:30 in the morning my doctors office finally called me back. The nurse asked me what the problem was and I tried to explain. She said they would just give me a different antibiotic, but I insisted something wasn't right because I also had pains that would come and go. Finally, after putting me on hold about 3 times she said she would let me speak to the doctor. Yes! I told her, I would really like that. After explaining everything to the doctor she said it sounds like I may have kidney stones and told me to go to triage at the hospital's maternity ward.

My husband came home from work and drove me in because I didn't think I could drive feeling like I did. On the way there I started getting sharper pains in my back, groin, and lower abdomen that would come and go. I noticed they would peak and then release and I would be ok, but they would come every 3 - 4 minutes. I got to the maternity ward and told them everything. They checked my urine for UTI and said it was positive for infection and blood. The blood part scared me. I never had any bleeding, so why did I have blood? They said kidney stones caused that too. Then, the nurse tried listening to the baby's heart beat. She couldn't find it for about 5 minutes, but then, there it was. Or so we thought. With the doppler we heard the swish-swish-swish noise that was fast and steady as the nurse said "There it is, Dad." while looking at my husband. He just smiled. I felt releaved and happy. After waiting for a while, they took me to ultrasound to look at my kidneys for stones. I went back to the ward to find out there was no stones. But, why did I keep having these pains off and on? Every time I had the pain, the monitor on my stomach to see if I was having contractions showed a small downhill mark on the paper. I asked the nurse, but she said "No, you are not having any contractions." The doctor said I just probably had a bladder or urinary infection. I said, "oh, ok, then I guess I can go home then." They had me sign my discharge papers and I was about to leave when a different nurse told me she had to listen to the baby's heart beat one more time. She tried and tried for a long time. I just laid there waiting. She got two different machines to listen, but nothing. "Where did the last nurse find your baby's heart beat?" she said. I pointed to the left side of my belly button. She still couldn't find it. Then, the doctor came in with an ultrasound. In my mind I thought, 'oh good, we can see the baby'. The doctor put the baby on the screen as we looked along with her. No movement, no flicker of the heart beat, but I said "Is it asleep?" No answer from the doctor. She moved my stomach around with the ultrasound wand saying "Come on baby, Baby?". No movement. Then, doctor, after doctor, after another doctor came in to see. They said "There's no fluid in there." My heart began to pump faster and I felt hurt inside. They returned the ultrasound to the original doctor to handle it then she looked at me and said "This is your baby's chest and this is where the heart chambers should be. I don't see any movement." I didn't breathe for that moment. I think I was in complete denial and disbelief. "We're going to take a look inside of you with a speculum and do a swab to see if your water broke." I said quietly, "Ok". It was so painful as they peeked in and swabbed me. Someone said "Yeah, positive." Then the doctor told me as she sighed "It looks like your cervix is dilated and your water broke probably when you thought you had incontinence, and I can see the babies hand." Then she paused as I looked at her panicking but unable to speak. She continued "And that's not good."

The rest is a blurry memory. I just remember saying "NO! I can't handle this again! " and I cried hysterically as I held one of the doctor's hands. I held her hand so tight and I didn't want to let go. I just wanted to jump out of bed and leave that place as if it never happened. "This is my worst nightmare." I told them as I sobbed. I couldn't look at my husband for a long time afraid of his reaction. Then when everyone left the room I finally did and said "I'm so sorry." He hugged me and we both cried. I felt like I let him down. I still do, but he says it's not my fault. "Well whose fault is it then?" I told him.

After letting me cry and transferring me to a hospital room from triage, they approached me explaining what would happen. They were going to put some pills inside my vagina called Cytotec that would cause me to dilate completely and I would go into labor. They told me they would give me pain medication so I would be comfortable while this happened. I continued to cry, but unwillingly accepted their words. After they were inserted, the pains I had been having all day increased in intensity. Maybe they were contractions after all, just mild, because they only got worse and worse until I told the nurse I needed something for pain. She gave me some pain medicine in my IV called Nubain. After that everything is even more foggier and barely believable. I was asleep unless my contractions came. At their peak I would wake up and moan in pain, then go back to sleep again. Then I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. It felt like I had to poop. I sat up in bed trying to wake up, but couldn't. I moved my legs over and blood poured out. I called my nurse. She checked me to see if I was ready to deliver. Immediately she called down the hall for help and said "She's about to deliver!" I asked for more pain medicine as I moaned and hurt, but they didn't give me any because they said I was too "zonked" as it was. I told them I didn't want that stuff, maybe just a Motrin, but they couldn't give me anything by mouth either. I thought they said I would be comfortable.

I delivered my dead baby soon after. I couldn't look. I asked "Is it a boy or a girl?" They said "It's a girl." and thoughts filled my mind. They asked "Do you want to hold her?" I said " I just don't think I can handle that right now." and they took her to clean her up. They took pictures of her with a little pink dress on. They gave me a photo album and a lot of keepsakes with her footprints and a baby blanket and pillow. Later, more mild contractions came and I delivered the placenta. I just sat there in a daze in my hospital bed not knowing how to feel. I was numb. I felt so empty. I just remember looking around at my room not knowing what I should do.

It's a week later now and I can't tell you if things are better. I still cry and feel hurt. I miss my baby inside of me every day.

Isaiah 44:2 - I am your creator. You were in my care even before you were born.