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I had my first son Brock when i was just 16 and unfortunately i lost him in my fourth month! I love and miss him very much and cannot wait for the day i can see his beautiful little face again!

I had my second son Jordan when i was 17 and he is now aged 4. I had a good pregnancy with him although i had some bleeding at 18 weeks. I laboured with him for 36hours from 5cm dialated and pushed for 2. He had shoulder dystocia and got stuck so they had to break my pelvis to get him out!! I had an epidural but it did not work for me so had to do the whole thing drug free!! He was a very healthy 9p10oz!!!! OUCH!!!

My third son Ryllie i had when i wasd 20 and he is now aged 18mths. My pregnancy with him was all very smooth and i had no problems. Because of Jordans size and the dificulty i had getting him out the doctor decided to induce me early with Ryllie. He was Born 4 weeks early and weighed 7p8oz. I was told that if he had gone ful term he would have been around 12pound!!! I was only in labour for seven hours and he just looked perfect when he came out, no blood or muck on him at all!!

I found out i was pregnant this time on the 8th of August. I had vomited in the morning and Jordi had been telling me for weeks that there was a baby girl in my tummy! I sent my man Scott up to get a home test and as soon as i peed on it a dark purple line came up!! When i told Jordi he said "see i told you there was a baby girl in your tummy!" Hope he is right about the girl bit!!

20th August- Had an ultra sound today to see how preggas i am. I am 9 weeks! Baby looked like a little BBQ chicken and i could see its little heart beating!! YAY!!! Baby will now be called Chook until we find out sex.

17th September- 13 weeks- I had the neucal tranlucency scan today to see if Chook has Downs syndrome. Results all clear!!! YAY!! I asked the doctor if he could check and see what sex Chook is. Chook Spread his/her legs and he said he definately could not see a willy but it could be cold in there so he cant say for sure that its a girl! FINGERS CROSSED!!! Chook was bouncing around every where, I think he/she had hiccups, oh sooo cute!!

CHOOK @ 13w

26th Septhember- 14 weeks- Saw my doctor today. I have lost 3kg!! Doctor couldnt find the beat! He was not worried but i was!!!

5th October- 16weeks- I hired a Doppler and i heard Chooks heart beat today! YAY!!! It was beating at 156bpm and sounded like a horse galloping along. I am feeling very relieved now i know he/she is ok.

7th October- Still have morning sickness and i also have PSD (pubic symphisis disorder) and it is very painful!!! Cant walk up stairs very well and cant roll over in bed!! I still have to get up a million times to go pee in the middle of the night! AAHHHH!!!

11th October- 16 weeks- Had my hospital booking appointment today.The maternity ward at the hospital i chose is just beautiful!! I had to give the midwife my life story which is always really painful especially talking about my childhood but im glad i told her every thing because now i will only have a female doctor which makes me feel a lot more comfortable!! The midwife was very annoyed that my doctor didnt worrie when he couldnt find babies heart beat and said he should have sent me straight to the hospital to be checked because of my history of misscarriage. I also discovered that all the crying i have been doing is not normal and i actually have depression and i have been advised to move back to sydney where all of my friends are as i currently live in the country and i dont know anyone except my inlaws and i never see them. My next appointment is with the Ob and that is on thursday the 18th and i have booked my next ultra sound for the 22nd of october and i will be finding out my babies sex!!! Yay!! My baby is moving while i am writting this! Time to pee!! Talk soon!

13th October- 17 weeks- Well its been Two days since i have had morning sickness!!! I am still really tired! My babies heart rate has been consistantly 160bpm. Only 9 days till i find out the sex of my baby!! Im so excited but a bit nerviouse! I have been sure the entire time that i am having a girl but now i am worried is a boy. It wont be a bad thing if it is a boy its just that i already have three boys and would love a little girl to play with! To dress up and play tea parties with and go shopping with! This is my last baby as i am high risk pregnancy and its just to hard for me to go through all this again. Im going to keep my fingers crossed for my little girl and i will let you all know what happens. I keep getting this feeling of pressure in my down stairs area and my doctor says its just cause baby is sitting low. Hope she is right! I have only been getting up twice a night to go pee which is good and hopefully soon i will get a full nights sleep! I have started taking FAB iron and i think it has helped the morning sickness and it has given me a little more energy but im still waiting for that big energy boost that is ment to hit a few weeks ago!!! Will update you all again after my next hospital appointment, till then take care of your bumps!

18th October- 17.5weeks- I had my first appointment with my OB at the hospital today! My OB is lovely and its so great having a female rather than some old man that wants to shine a bright light up my WOO WOO! Baby is measuring perfectly for dates and she heard the heart beat straight away. I had to have an internal to check on my cervix because its a bit swollen and i was so embarresed because my legs are really hairy cause i just cant reach anymore to shave them, but my doctor just laughed and showed me her hairy legs and said "im not preggas so i dont have an excuse!!" It was really funny and i felt alot more relxed after that. My OB made me bleed a little with the speculum and my woo woo is still a bit sore but she told me that the spotting and pain wont effect the baby which is good! I have three diry cold sores on my face and i had asked the chemist if i can use anything and they said no but my OB said i can use Nyal Cold Sore Cream!! YAY!! finally something to take away the itch and pain!!! I have only vomited once this week and im not feeling as tired but i could still do with a nap in the arvo just to help get me through the early evening with my boys! Only three more days till my U/S where i will find out the sex of my baby! Im so excited although i have a very strong feeling its a girl!! I have already got alot of pink things and even got a Gold Bangle for the her i think im having! Cross your fingers for me girls! Until next time take care of your Bumps!!

22 October- 18weeks2days- Well ladies today was the day!!! Today i had my ultra sound to make sure that my little baby was growing properly and was healthy, plus i got to find out the sex!! Yes thats right ladies after three boys somebody looking down on me finally sent me my baby girl!!! Charlotte Grace is her name or Charley for short! She is just perfectly healthy in every way and im so excited now i cannot wait for her to be here!! Her God Mother Shan bought her a cute soft teddy with butterflies on its tummy and an awsome lady beetle dummy and i bought her some beautiful clothes plus the bangle i ordered her and a cute purple blankie arived in the post today!! I got the coolest photo's from my U/S of Charley with her hand on her knee and then of her holding her foot and even one of her girl bits!!! Jordan is thrilled to be having a baby sister and i feel so weird that from the begining before i knew i was pregnant he told me i had a baby girl in my tummy!! I have my next appointment in a week and a bit so i will update u all then but in the meantime take care of your selves and give your bump a rub for me!!

30th October- 19w3d- Well girls im actually feeling fairly good these days! No more morning sickness!!! YAY!!!! I am still very tired though but i guess its because im running around after two kids all day. I am still a bit in shock i think about the fact that i am finally having a little girl! Dont get me wrong i love my boys with the whole of my heart but i have always been a girly kind of person, you know i played dollys when i was young and wanted to be a princes and wear pretty dresses and stuff! It took my ages to get used to playing in the dirt and wrestling and having farts thrown at me by my boys and now i am used to it i am worried that it will take me ages to do the girly stuff like tea party's and letting Charlotte do my make up and stuff! I dont know i guess being a mum to my boys came fairly naturally exept the rough play stuff and i am just worried that i have wanted a daughter for so long, now i am finally having one i might screw it up or some thing! Ok your all right i do worry to much!! LOL!! Im so excited!!!! My best friend is having a baby around 6 weeks before me and i cannot wait!! Our Children have always been really good friends and are around the same age (except Ryllie, sorry Ryllie blame Aunty Shan). We had Angie and Stephen who used to be good friends but unfortunately Stephen had to be placed in foster care as i was not his biological mum (although i raised him from 2 weeks old) and i was not aboriginal, which apparently he was, mind you he was whiter than the moon! But on the upside i dont have to deal with his prick of a father who is also Jordans Father! Then we had Dion and Jordan who were best friends and saw each other most days to play. I remember one day just before Dion tragically drowned in January 07, when they were holding hands in my lounge room dancing in circles singing "I love Jordi" & "I love DiDi"over and over until they got dizzy and fell to the floor laughing! Now Angie and Jordi are good friends even though we have moved to the Blue Mountains and they dont see each other often, when they do its like they were never apart. I think they supply each other with good memories and feelings from when they played with Dion and i think Angie feels a closeness to Dion when she is with Jordan, not just because they were best friends but they are the same age and Jordan is very aware of Dions spirit and has given Angie hidden messages from her little brother many times. It is an absolute joy to me to watch Angie and Jordi's eyes light up when they see one another and i cant wait to move back to Sydney so they can be together when ever they like! Plus i miss Angies mummy! We always have such a good time together! We were seeing each other every day for a long period of time but never once did we run out of things to say! We honestly never stopped laughing! I just knew from the day i met her that we were ment to be friends and i felt like i had known her forever! Its so lonely here in the mountains and actually makes me really depressed that i dont get to see my friends as often as i would like and that Jordan does not get to see his, but the count down is on! We are moving back to Sydney at the end of January at the latest!! YAY!!! Anyhow enough rambling from me!! Have a great week and take care!

15th November-21w6d- Had a hospital check up today! It was good, i heard Charleys Heart beat again and it was 150bpm. My blood pressure was 125/75 which was good. My strep B results came back negative! YAY! Charley is measuring 5 weeks bigger than she should so i have to have a scan in three weeks to find out whats happening with my due date. I have also been told i have to get Rinocort Nasal spray for my nasal congestion to help me breath at night. I have another appointment with my doctor at the hospital in two weeks and she also wants me to see the mental health team about my depression to see if i need anti depressants. Also i am getting married!! YAY!! On Valentines day 2008. I cant wait! My best friend Shan is going to be my attendant along with my two boys and we are having it on the beach. Its only going to be small and simply especially considering my baby girl will be born just after! My tummy is getting really huge now!! And Charley moves all the time! Hope your all doing well! Give your tummy a rub for me and i will keep u updated!

29th November- 23w6d- Had a hospital appoimtment today. my blood preasure was 110/70. Baby is still measuring big but i will find out why when i have an Ultra sound on Tuesday. I heard my little princesses heart beat and the doctor had to chase her around to get a good count!LOL! She was very active. After i saw my doctor i had to see the mental health team about my depression and i got asked the weirdest questions, like do i love my baby? Ofcourse i love my bloody baby!!!! What a dumb question!!! Then that arvo when i got home they called to check on me!! And again this morning!! I feel like a nut case!! I am just depressed!!! Hello wouldnt u be? I watched as my best friend lost her son in January and that broke my heart and i think of Dion and miss him every day not to mention that it is the most horrid feeling in the world to watch your best friend go through something like that and not be able to stop the pain or make them feel even a little better! Then i left all my friends and support to move to the stupid Blue Mountains where you feel completely isolated and alone and everyone around you looks like they will rape or rob you!! Then i found out i was preggas, which is great, but im all alone here and being preggas and alone is hard!! Then i found out my baby was a girl which was very exciting but now i worry all the time because i was sexually abused as a child and i am frightened that if something happens to my little girl i wont know and wont be able to protect her, then i also worry that i might over protect her and not let people near her. AHHHHHH ofcourse im depressed!!! GRRR. Ok needed that vent!! Other than all that things are great!!!! Take care of your selves!!

4th December -24w4d- Well girls i had my Ultra sound today to find out why i am measuring so big. Charlotte is just fine, She is making me measure big because she is very tall (like her dad!). They arent changing my due date thank god!! And she is Definately a Girl!!! YAY!!! I got a cute pic of her face and she looks like her brother Ryllie in his U/S pic at 34 weeks so i think they will look alike!! I cant wait till she is here now!! I love her so much and they day i hold her in my arms is the day my family is complete!!

20th Dec- 26w6d- Had a hospital appointment today! Charley is doing great! My blood preasure is 100/60 and Charley's heart rate was variable which means she was active. I am measuring 28weeks now but doctor says i have to have another U/S between 36 and 38 weeks to make sure i dont need to be induced. Charley was head down and engaged 45%. I had a tour of the birthing suit and room i will be staying in and OMG i have to say it was sooo Beautiful! It was so homely and every room was a single room with its own bathroom and a recliner lounge that turn into a sofa bed incase u want your partner to stay with you! The delivery suits were huge and did not look like a hospital at all! They each have there own spa and shower and lots of birthing aids but are all hidden away in nice cupboards to get rid of the hospital feel! Im so excited! I cant wait to have my little girl in my arms! I have been so pre occupied with my wedding that i have barley had any time to notice my pregnancy zipping on by! My best friend has he little boy Jayden soon and im so excited! I cant wait to meet him! My god daughter has just started standing on her own which is cool and she is coming to have a sleep over with me just after christmas! She is only one in January! I cant believe that it is nearly christmas!! I love it but i cant wait till its over this year!! Well before i go i just wanted to say that today is a special little mans birthday! He is 5 today and it is his first birthday with the angels! Dion my sweetie i hope you are having a great time up there and i hope you know we love and miss you dearly! Thank you so much for all of the joy you bought to us all and thank you for sending down Baby Jayden to be with us, I know he brings with him a peice of you and i am so greatful you to be able to share a tiny peice of your spirit once again! Love you and hope you had a wonderful Birthday!

Ever Wondered Why people pick the songs they do?

Well im going to tell you why i picked some of the songs i did!

Baby Mine is a lullabye i sing to all of my little angels!** You'll Be In My Heart is my song for my Step Son Stephen who i raised for 4 years but is no longer living with me!** Tears In Heaven is a song i played for my Baby Brock at his funeral. ** I'll Remember You is also for Stephen. ** Two Beds And A Coffee Machine is a song about my my childhood and the life i had with Jordans Father. ** Puke is a song for Jordan's Father!!! ** My Precious One is a song for my children! Music really speaks to my soul especially Celine Dion! ** Goodbyes is a song for my mum who is my best friend in the world and since the death of my Nanna Jo i have thought about the fact that mum wont be here forever and i know the pain i will feel the last time she says goodbye will be horrific! ** The colour of my love & The First Time I Saw Your Face are both for my lover, friend and soul mate Scott! He has changed my world completely and given me the strength to love not only him but myself! **

I could give reasons for all of the songs on here but that could just get plain borring but i think i have covered my favourite one on here. Enjoy my song choices and give them your own meaning!

20th January- 31w6d- I had a hospital appointment today. My blood preassure was 100/70 and im still measuring big. Charley is definately head down and ready to go. My new doctor was crap!! She was running an hour behind and because of that she rushed me in and out! I was seriously in her office for 4 mins! She put the doppler on my tummy long enough to hear Charleys heart beat twice then tok it away and said yep all good! I asked about a date for my U/S and induction and she told me that we will talk about it at our next appointment in two weeks! Sh also said i may have pre eclampsia because i had a small amount of protien in my wee and i have been getting dizzy and seeing spots and my legs have been extremly itchi, but its all ok and we will talk about it next time!! Isnt it ment to be dangeriouse??? But i suppose her hunger is more important that the health and safety of me and my baby!! Hope the doctor i get perminatelty from now on is better then her!! Im so sad my old doctor left becase she was great!! Well anyway not long to go now!! rub ur bumps for me and enjoy because baby will be here soon!

27th January- 32w2d- OMG!!!! My pubic symphisis has gotten sooo bad!! I cant believe how much it hurts! Every time i try to get out of bed my pelvis pops and cracks and grinds together and i end up in tears! I really dont know if i can cope with this pain anymore! Even though it is just a few weeks, the pain is just sooo dam bad! I feel useless because it hurts to do anything and i cant pick my 2 yr old up when he wants me to for a hug and i cant stand for long periods! Im also really upset about it cause my best friend has her baby on the 1st of Feb and because i wont have my P's yet i wont be able to go and see her and the baby!!! It sucks!! Plus its making things hard for my wedding which i only three weeks away! I have to go to sydney like a million times before then and i just dont know how im going to do it! Im getting really excited about the upcoming birth of my little princess but at the same time im getting kind of depressed! I mean im all the way in the Blue Mountains and my friends are all in Sydney so i dont think any of them are going to be able to come see me. LOL then again when i was in sydney when i had my son only two of them came to see me there i suppose. Its just that i really hate hospital more than anything in the world and i feel so alone in there. Plus im finally having my baby girl and i will have no one to show her off to except my wonderful, loving Inlaws!! YAy! Anyways enought winging for one day! Gotta go lay down my pelvis is hurting so i will talk to you later! Lots of baby Dust for all TTC!

Shan-Enterprises baby Jayden! 8lb8oz 52cm long!

Happy Birthday Little man! 1st Feb 2008!

4th February-33w3d- Had a hospital appointment today. Different doctor again! This one was just as bad and spoke to me like i was three years old! He told me basically the pain i was having was fine and not that bad so just to enjoy my pregnancy! My body, my pregnancy, my life! What the hell would he know! Got an U/S booked for the 13th Feb. Will let you know. Tummy rubs to all!

16th February- 35w1d- Well ladies I did it! On the 14th of Feb i married my high school sweet heart!! I cant believe it! Im so happy i cant stop smiling and i cant stop calling him husband!LOL! Now i can relax for a little while until my little girl arrives! I Cant wait! I had my U/S on the 13th Feb and Baby Charley is doing great! She was weighing in at 5lb80z and is very long! LOL well her dad is very tall! I will add a slide show of some wedding pics and will add more as i get them, the only ones i have are from my mum's camera! Good Luck to all mummies TTC!

My TUMMY 37w2d

3rd March-37w2d- been in and out of hospital with mastitis and worried about baby! All good now though! Had hospital appointment and i will be induced on the 12th March!!! YAY!! Here she comes finally!!!!

Well Girls She is finally here!!! Sorry it took so long but my net went down!! There is a slide show of pics on her profile. Here is my birth story!

Due to complication after complication the doctors finally decided i was to be induced. The date was set for the 12th March and i was to arrive at 8am. The night before i felt soo nervous!! I just felt like it was gonna be bad!! I was so scared something was going to go wrong or that i would not be able to cope with the pain and so have an epidural and i really didnt want to! I couldnt sleep and tossed and turned all night!

I arrived at the hospital at 8am with my husband Scott and my mum and was taken to the birthing suite. At 9.15am My waters were broken and i was given 1hr to contract regularly on my own or i would be given the drip to get things moving! My waters were clear and when i stood up to go to the toilet it gushed every where! I couldnt stop laughing which just made it gush even more! It was grose! I had a shower and was then put on the monitor for the second time. At 10.15 i was contracting but not in a regular pattern so i was given the drip which was to be turned up every 30mins until i stopped smiling as the mid wife put it!LOL! That did not take long!! It was horrable being strapped to the monitor and not being able to follow my bodys natural instincts and move around but they were needing to monitor my babies heart rate due to complications in my pregnancy.

At 2pm the contractions were so bad i thought i would rather die!! I needed to push soo bad so they checked me and i was only 4cm dialated! They told me i was not allowed to push and suggested i try the gas to help take the edge off the pushing urge! I agreed!

3.05pm and there was no break in between contractions! The pushing urge was so strong i was starting to go all tense and push my feet against the floor to stop myself from pushing. The gas was making me feel weird and when mum asked what was wrong i told her my face was "Tidizzeling"!LOL i was trying to say that i was dizzy and my face was tingling!! LMAO!!

3.45pm I demanded an epidural as i was no longer able to cope with the urges to push and it was really hard to stop myself from pushing! I was checked and i was 6cm dialated. The Big A was called to give my epidural.

4.30pm He finally arrived and explained the risks and i cut him off mid sentenced and told him i know and just do it now!! He put the local in my spine and left some needle in my spine while he got his things ready for the epidural.

5pm while he was preparing his things i had a huge urge to push and could feel my babies head on the bed! the midwife said it couldnt be and said dont push! Again i had a contraction and the urge to push was uncontrollable and i arched my back and pushed with a loud scream of "OH F**K!!" the mid wife ripped the needle out of my spine and pushed me over on the bed and there sure enough was half of my babies head!! and with a few big pushes my Little girl arrived at 5.09pm! they put her on my tummy and she peed on me!! LOL! She was all covered in vernix and they decided i was earlier than 38w5days, but she was perfect in every way! She was breathing fine and her colour was good. Thank God she was fine and greatest of all she was mine!

She was 7lb and 51cm long and she is the greatest gift i have ever been given! Now some of you may be reading this and thinking how cruel a mother i am because of that comment when i have beautiful boys, dont get me wrong i love them with all of who i am and would not swap them for the world, but unless you have like me longed to have a little girl (or boy) your whole life and dreamt of that moment they would arrive and all the things you would do together you could never imagine how it feels to finally have it! I always assumed after all the other bad stuff that happened in my life that i was not deserving of the one thing that would make me the happiest of all! Obviously some one up there is looking out for me!